AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

Giving excessive money to children you don't know is a sign of grooming, actually.

When was the last time you saw an actual groomer and abuser of children post in AIBU on MN? Not usually part of the MO if you are actually grooming kids to ask strangers if giving them £20 a week pocket money is unreasonable.

OP sounds generous but a bit short sighted/misguided as to the potential repercussions and is clearly not a fan of the kids' mum, which sounds understandable in the context, as long as she's not leaking her poor opinions to the children. But that doesn't mean she is automatically grooming these kids for sexual exploitation, for fucks sake. It's a very nasty thing to accuse someone of without a shred of evidence - and no, being overly generous with money isn't evidence.

OP just sounds like a massive idiot if I'm honest.

I agree - she sounds very naive, and is being rather stubborn here. Not sure why she posted if she's so utterly convinced she's right. I don't necessarily think that (in this case) mum's disapproval is the main issue here - OP is trying too hard and moving things too fast, and I also give a share of blame in this to the dad, because he should be taking more responsibility for ensuring things move more slowly and gradually given everything his girls appear to have been through. Spending every weekend with a new partner and their kids after 4 months is a lot. When do they get time with their dad?

I'm inclined to try and be compassionate to a degree though because IME new partners/stepmums often can't do right for doing wrong. She is at least sensitive to the potential issues that may be caused by treating the kids differently, I'll give her that.

They aren't living with the OP pretty much full time though. The OP doesn't live with their dad yet. I think if this was a fully blended family situation then the responses would have been different but the OP only met the girls for the first time in June and she and her boys don't live with the girls and their dad.

This is the worst thread I've seen for 'step-mum' bashing. It's ridiculous. And the people giving their 13yo a fiver a week pocket money? Do your teenagers never go out with friends? A fiver wouldn't pay for their day out, bus fares, a bite to eat, and a few treats. People are also ignoring the fact that the DC are saving some of their money as well, not spending the whole lot on Roblox. Mumsnet really is a cesspit sometimes.

So what? It's a bit of pocket money which their father has approved. What on earth is the big deal?

I mean we could all say so what to the majority of questions or scenarios posted here! People have tried to explain to the OP why they might have an issue with it if they were the mum, or why it could be seen as overstepping, or why they feel £20 a week is a huge amount for a 10 year old. The OP has decided none of those reasons are valid, which is her prerogative.
So so what indeed. It doesn't affect me, or any other posters, what the OP does. It might affect the kids in question, it might affect their mum but if she doesn't care about that then obviously no-one else needs to.
My post that you quoted was just adding what I felt was relevant context, that if all the kids end up living as a family together then pocket money parity would feel sensible, but that coming from dads girlfriend who has known the kids for four months, who doesn't live with them, when one of their parents isn't happy, does feel like overstepping her current position in their lives.

Their dad (who you barely acknowledge), who they live with doesn't have an issue with it so why should anyone else? It's pocket money, that's all. It's very clear that the mum is not good or sensible at making decisions. Mum just has to suck it up.

Just some Qs / thoughts:

Would you continue to give them the pocket money if you and their dad split up?

I don't know if it's right to completely dismiss their mum's wishes on account of her addiction. If she has them every other weekend then is she not deemed to have some level of capacity or safety?

If she's really so bad is there a danger she could access their money?

I think at this point - at every point- it's best to think about the kids. They are now in the middle of their mum's upset about this, your wishes, and of course their own feelings about it all. What is the way forward that centres the girls?

Apparently I didn't acknowledge the dad, you think the mum needs to suck it up. Guess we both sound like the OP.

Thank you - at last!

I really want to meet all these 13 year olds who get by on a fiver a week. They must never go shopping with friends, or to the cinema or ice skating or all the other stuff that makes being 13 bearable. Let alone ever buy themselves a book or a lipstick or a poster for their rooms.....

I thought the fact these girls used £50 for a present for their mom, actually showed what lovely girls they are and how having this money is doing them no harm, but in fact, quite the opposite!

Please note I am NOT judging parents who can only afford to give a fiver, or less. I am lucky that my dd's dad is wealthy and handles her allowance (I just give her money as a reward sometimes for doing great in school or passing a music exam or something - or when she went on a school trip for example.

But it's a thing to be regretted, surely, that not all kids can have enough money to treat themselves within sensible limits, and socialise one a week or so with friends.

Relative poverty is NOT good for the soul, I can tell you that, as a child who for a while grew up with very little till our fortunes changed!

@tragichero the amount really isn't relevant. Some kids only get pocket money to buy what they want - others their parents just give them extra when they need it. It's really not a big deal - and you also have literally no idea what other money parents are spending on their kids, things like horse riding or whatever.

The issue is that OP thinks treating kids she barely knows in the same way as her own kids isn't odd at best. She doesn't think that she's funding her boyfriend when she clearly is.

Respectfully, as a child who grew up without enough money for at least some of my childhood, I think the amount IS important. Surely all loving parents' priority is that their teenager has enough money for a decent, normal teenage social life - at least one nice day out with their mates per week, say - plus enough to spend on hobbies and interests to make them happy, be that books, art materials, Warhammer stuff, gaming, whatever their teen is into.

Stuff like horse riding is a distant dream for many of us, but obviously if you can afford that too, you do it.

I know I am lucky in that my daughter's dad can afford to give her enough to have a modestly enjoyable social life and some interests of her own. I sincerely would never judge anybody who can't afford that, as on my own I couldn't either.

But I DO, I am afraid, judge somebody who has the chance for their daughters to have that, and intentionally scuppers it due to their own hurt feelings.

If my daughter's dad and I couldn't afford to do that for our daughter, but one or both of us had a partner who was willing to, of course we wouldn't dream of objecting. Our priority is that our girl is happy, always.

My daughter's dad's girlfriend's parents buy my daughter lovely gifts for Xmas. Am I shitty about it? No. I am glad - it makes her happy. I don't know the parents from Adam, and I am not a fan of his girlfriend (who was the OW and the reason for our marriage breakdown) but so what?.I'd consider it really selfish to start objecting to my daughter having nice things, just because I don't like the woman who is seeing my ex.

One of the cruellest things about poverty is that it robs children of experiences. If you have the option to alleviate that for your kids, you grab it with both hands.

Although a ten year old is not a teenager.

This thread has really moved on from the pocket money question. Most people advising the OP to move slowly aren’t talking about the pocket money at this stage.

When DS was 13 he never went out with friends so didnt need any money. None of his friendship group went out anywhere or did anything. Even now at nearly 16 , they go out once a month. He currently gets £30 a month. I've offered more but he doesn't want it. Says he doesn't need it. So no, not all teenagers need loads of money.

You obviously absolutely despise her so the fact that she isn't happy about the pocket money situation wouldn't really bother you. In fact, I think that you are glad that she is unhappy about it. You have just come on here for validation, not for honest opinions. Their mum is obviously a neglectful and very poor mother, but I don't believe that the large amount of pocket money you are giving is a particularly kind gesture. I think that it is a big 'fuck you' to their mum.

Their mum is obviously a neglectful and very poor mother, but I don't believe that the large amount of pocket money you are giving is a particularly kind gesture. I think that it is a big 'fuck you' to their mum

I cannot for the life of me imagine grudging the children of a drug addict parent, kindness from another adult. It baffles me.

Well, DAD doesn't seem to think so. Mum is not the only actual parent.

What year are you living in??? £20 was about average for that age in 1990. It's 2025. Adjust those allowance amounts for inflation.

A week? £20 a week. It's a lot now and it was a huge amount in 1990. As a teen in 1990 I got £1.75 pocket money a week. By 1994 I was 17 and I got £40 a month but that included money for all my clothes.
I earned £1.48 an hour in a supermarket in my late teens in the mid-90s.

This isn't excessive money. This is a small allowance. The same amount MOST parents would give their children in 1990.
This is nothing LIKE grooming, and that is an offensive suggestion.

Wow, your parents were shafting you! Almost everyone I knew got around 20 when we were like 10.
I babysat by 1995, and it was at least 5 an hour! By 17 I was making over 100 a month (because I didn't want a regular job). My sister worked in a grocery store and was making 100 a week!

Many reasons, children may not value money just given to them, money can equal too much freedom and make children hard to control especially when they become teens, children can become more materialistic than mum wants them to be for example most mum's don't need or want £50 spent on them by their children, many reasons. This would be especially annoying if it came from you and not their dad. Problem you have now is going back on what you're doing. Hope you don't tell the children it was their mum's fault.