AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

The amount doesn’t matter - it’s the principle. You’ve been in their life 4 months, and are not their step mother - you are their dad’s girlfriend. Pocket money is something their actual parents should discuss and agree, it has nothing to do with you. You are overstepping massively - and judging by your responses and insistence that you somehow deserve an answer beyond “they’re not your kids so respect the boundary” makes it very easy to understand why their mother is so annoyed.

The massively obvious question not being asked here, bizarrely, is what their dad thinks!

Their mom doesn't get to dictate what the dad does with his daughter on their time with him - and not does OP. If she is happy to offer the money, it is up to him whether he allows his daughter's to accept it or not.

If he wants them to, I suggest he sets up bank accounts for them each that he can manage/oversee, and keeps the cards himself and just gives them to the girls on his time with them.

That way, they have spending money for when they are out and about with your boys, but mom isn't being forced to deal with an amount of spending power she isn't happy with.

It's not actually a freakishly massive amount of money in this day and age. It would get them a book at Waterstones and a couple of Macdonalds - it's not wealth beyond anyone's wildest dreams. My daughter gets more than that from her dad (he is a lot richer than me so he covers this and I just give her cash on special occasions or as a reward occasionally) and most of her friends seem to get similar.

£20 is just too much (unless they are buying their own clothes etc). Why do pre teens need this much money?

OP, I think it’s kind and morally fair to treat them the same… however you’re not treating them the same in terms of what their own parents can match and this is why it’s too much. Their parents can’t keep up and should your relationship breakdown this will be a negative impact. At best give them £10 each and save £10 for them.

Plus the mum maybe feels inferior if she struggles for money and her daughters see their dad’s new girlfriend as a provider.
unfortunately you’ve started it now so you’ll have to explain why it can’t continue.

Also, kids aren't stupid either.

They'll know when dad's girlfriend or mum's boyfriend start splashing the cash, they're being bought.

Too much too soon. You are not their step mother and have only known that for four months. It’s also a lot of money.

Incidently, do you all live together now? If so, maybe I can see why you give them pocket money. If not, then you don’t use them anything and there’s no reason to even things up. Maybe the occasional treat when you see them, but nut regular money.

She spends her benefits on cocaine. That’s why she can’t afford to give them anything.

Assuming you dont live together then I think yabu.

Your not 'family' as such yet and to me its a wee bit overstepping for you to give them pocket money. Esp if the dad is a low earner and possibly pays small amounts of maintenance.

I would apologise to keep the peace.

He doesn’t pay any maintenance- he is the main carer. Mum doesn’t pay anything

Sure she does. Good luck OP, hope this blended family malarkey works out for you.

maybe just give the money to their dad, he might find better ways to spend it on them than £20 Roblox each week.

He can’t afford regular pocket money because he pays for 100% of his kids’ expenses because their mum is an addict

Aw thanks 💕

Oh turn it in 🙄

But they ARE different. They're not your kids and you're not even married to their father.

Am I sensing a bit of jealously cos I’m well off ??

He can’t afford regular pocket money because he pays for 100% of his kids’ expenses because their mum is an addict

This is one of the reasons you shouldn't be giving them it imo.

You've only known them a few months. What happens if you and he split up?

Treating them on a day out or when you're all away together is one thing. Setting up a regular payment to them, that they will get used to, when their parents cannot afford to continue it should you split up is a terrible idea so early on into a relationship with them.

I put my pocket money from around that age into an inflation calculator and it's £2.81 in today money. So fractionally over a tenth of what you're giving. And that's from my parents, who both agreed on the amount, and not from anyone's new girlfriend who'd known us for 4 months.
It's generous but it's massively overstepping with kids you barely know and even more so when one of their parents thinks - like a lot of people on this thread - that it's a huge amount of money to give kids.

Ok so some back story would be helpful op

Do the children live with him ft?
How often do they see their mum?
What parenting role does each parent have?

Up to their Dad in his time with them to decide. If I were their mum I'd be pleased they spent a considerable amount that you gave them on a present for me amd I'd be pleased that yoy wanted to include them.

I think the best way around this is to buy them the Roblox cards, or but them the new clothes, pjs, etc for at your boyfriends house (as you said they live with dad mostly)

I understand you wanting to treat them, and it's lovely. But maybe buying them stuff instead of giving them cash is the compromise here.

When I started reading this thread, I wanted to give OP the benefit of the doubt about being someone who is just genuinely kind and thoughtful. Now with the bizarre replies to posters, I think OP is just a wind up. Asking why multiple times, drip feeding with the mum cocaine nonsense. OP must have just started this thread out of boredom or rage baiting.

The back story is through the thread. He has them like 90% of the time