AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

£100 a month is a lot of money for kids who’s parents are still paying for their main expenses such as clothes and who aren’t going anywhere. It’s very nice that you want to treat them the same but mum ( and rightly so ) has said no and that should be end of it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. And I can’t believe that you as a mum of 2 can’t see why she’s made that decision

I know that. Hence the “ “ around step

My 13 yo gets £10 a month. What you are giving is a lot but very kind/generous.

Perhaps it would be better if their pocket money came from their dad (via you if necessary, but they don’t need to know that).

£80 a month at that age is a LOT, I hope they’re doing chores and earning it.

I agree. Because you’ve started a weekly routine and the mum hasn’t been involved, it’s unnecessary, their dad and mum decide what they get and when surely.

If their own Dad can’t afford to give his children pocket money, that’s the issue I’d be focusing on.

I would be mortified letting my girlfriend/boyfriend of just over a year give my kids £40 a week whilst I stood by smiling.

1. This is a far too big amount for weekly pocket money.
2. This is not your responsibility and it doesn’t matter that you want to do it, their Dad should have said no and that it’s his responsibility.

And you are basically some random woman giving the children £100 a month. Stop

Why do they need so much money? I'm a high earner and don't give my DS 15 that much.

Well he clearly doesn't cover their pocket money.

You've no need to be getting involved.

They're not your kids, you hardly know them and they don't even live with you.

Let their dad sort out their pocket money, it has nothing to do with how much your give your own kids.

You’re not going to get reasonable responses in the main because of who you are in the family.

£20 a week is ‘too much’ to some people and fine for others. If it’s fine for you then that’s your decision.

I’m a step mum and my daughter has a step mum and I cannot fathom why what you’ve suggested is an issue. The more people positively supporting and engaging with my child the better.

Well that escalated! Im
not Grooming them don’t be silly

I think the amounts about right for their ages. My DD9 gets £10 a week. Does their dad live with you? I would find it a bit odd if my exh girlfriend started giving my DD pocket money if they didn't live together, I'm not sure why.

I don't think my DP would give my DD pocket money before we lived together.

Yes and I included that punctuation.

The point here is that you shouldn't be using it with or without.

You are their dad's girlfriend.

I expect because they are not your children and you are not their parent. Did you make that decision without consulting?
You crossed a boundary. If I was their mother I would be upset too. It should have been discussed with both parents.

I think what your doing is very kind! Its good to teach kids how to manage money and to get through the "burning a hole in your pocket" phase when it doesn't matter. Plus learning to budget, how to allocate money for things you want Vs things you need etc.Money literacy in adult life seems minimal these days.

I think a lot of people saying it's too much are maybe not in the same kind of income bracket. I know lots of children who receive the same if not more as their 'pocket money'. Albeit it's usually exchange for a certain job ie empty the dishwasher each night.

I think you're kind and well intended wanting all children to have the same but maybe mum can't afford this much and it's made her feel less than. It would be hard if you just want to give your kids the best of everything but can't afford it all. Perhaps have your partner speak to her and tell her it’s coming from him. She might also be annoyed it he isn't giving much child maintainence but the kids are being given money to spend on robux. Tread carefully, she is probably just feeling tender x

Well there you are. She can't afford to give them anything and there you are giving them what is a LOT of money at that age.

Are you devoid of empathy? I can't believe that you need to ask, multiple times, why she's upset and why it's too much

It doesn’t matter.

Not your children, not your choice. That is literally it, end of story.

Unless you’re teaching them good money management, understanding the importance of putting some of it into savings, etc., then you’re just handing them a pile of money that is no doubt a lot more than some of their peers will be getting, and letting them spunk it up a wall. It’s not teaching them good behaviour around money going forward.

Edited for grammar but also to add - if your relationship doesn’t stick, you’re setting them up with expectations that other people won’t be able to meet. Is that the intention, somewhat? To make yourself the best girlfriend?

It's not their dad's girlfriend's place to teach them that.

If you spoke to their dad and he was ok with it then no, I don’t think their mum should be able to overrule that, especially if he’s the main resident parent.
However, I agree with PPs who think this is an odd amount and I think your reasoning is odd - you don’t want to treat them differently to your sons, but you don’t live with them right, or have combined finances with their dad? I don’t think you need to worry about treating them the same in this respect. You’re going to have different rules and different financial things (pocket money, extra curriculars etc).

Seems like OP has empathy for the girls that are in a blended situation through no choice. I think it is lovely that she is trying to treat them as equals. I don’t think she needs to have empathy for the mother in this situation particularly- she is an adult and needs to handle it maturely and try to happy for her daughters rather than bitter.

But what lesson IS she teaching them? That someone will hand them money if they’re shagging their dad?

Why would he give her child maintenance when he’s the primary carer?

I would be very grateful if I was their mother, that they are being treated equally to your children. They sound like lovely, thoughtful kids too

Yep.

Grim.