Page 6 | Why do British people (at least on MN!) Have such issues with adults celebrating birthdays?

BlazesBoylansHat · 2025-10-18T16:36:38+00:00

This has always been really striking to me & I've been on this site on & off for at least 15+ years. The idea that adults like to celebrate their birthday brings out such negative reactions. I've never understood it! Is it a cultural thing? I'm Irish & we generally love to celebrate & speaking for me & my circle, we see the joy in marking these occasions as so many dont get that privilege. But MN is another world when it comes to this! Why is that?

the80sweregreat · 19/10/2025 07:21

I guess there are degrees of it! Some really push the boat out and others ( like me) prefer them to go under the radar. Neither is wrong , but mumsnetters tend to get hung up on things sometimes!

Peridoteage · 19/10/2025 07:24

Its the aspect of demanding to be the centre of attention, expecting a lot of fuss from other people, it makes me cringe.

Some people are terrifically entitled about birthdays, expecting everyone to give up a lot of their time & money for it - weekends away etc. If i did that for all my friends and family, I'd be skint and my kids wouldn't ever see me.

Peridoteage · 19/10/2025 07:26

In real life I don't know anyone, from 21 to 91, who doesn't like at least to have a card, a present, and to have a nice meal with a cake or something a little bit special on their birthday.

Im genuinely not fussed! I much prefer christmas. I don't want everyone's attention on me.

xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 19/10/2025 07:37

I always do something for my birthday, even if it's a nice shopping trip. I always take my birthday off (have never worked it and was never at school for it as it's always during half term).

If I'm lucky I get a cake but I don't expect people to drop everything for me as I'm quite happy doing stuff on my own. I had one year where I was completely spoilt but I was away with work and they really pushed the boat out for me, it was very sweet.

This year I have nothing planned but may go for a walk if the weather is nice or go and be a tourist in London for the day.

Peridoteage · 19/10/2025 07:39

To be clear - i think its fine to enjoy a few cards, modest gifts, and to expect your husband might take you out for dinner if money isn't tight. Or to choose to do something nice that you enjoy etc.

Its when you get these people who expect a HUGE fuss, breakfast in bed, several lavish gifts, for people to take a day off work on the actual day, large parties in expensive locations or 3 day weekends away without kids. Because you are only 40 once. 🙄

BadActingParsley · 19/10/2025 07:39

My FIL is a miserable bastard about birthdays….not about other things. He was the youngest of 8 and I think his mum had run out of steam for birthdays when it got to his. So my MIL has never had a card or present from him…

a bloke at work doesn’t get it either, why celebrate the day you happen to have fallen out your mother’s womb? bit of a downer on office cakes and a card.

I love celebrating people’s birthdays and like a meal out on my own! It’s an excuse for a bit of socialising.

MN is weird about stuff like this.

Sprayandbox · 19/10/2025 07:40

The devils in the detail. Invitations to birthday parties I love. It’s when someone says for my birthday I want to do x,y,z and it will cost you ££££. I find that really cringey and bad manners . If you want me to celebrate you then you should host it.

A casual “let’s go out for drinks to celebrate my birthday” is fine it’s when grown adults want to charge you to cover the cost of the karaoke room, spa etc…: they want to attend then it gets annoying.

TaylorNation1998 · 19/10/2025 09:47

Peridoteage · 19/10/2025 07:39

To be clear - i think its fine to enjoy a few cards, modest gifts, and to expect your husband might take you out for dinner if money isn't tight. Or to choose to do something nice that you enjoy etc.

Its when you get these people who expect a HUGE fuss, breakfast in bed, several lavish gifts, for people to take a day off work on the actual day, large parties in expensive locations or 3 day weekends away without kids. Because you are only 40 once. 🙄

Edited

Why do gifts have to be modest? My dh bought me a Range Rover for my birthday, because he can - why should he buy me a trio of soaps instead when it literally affects nobody but us and our finances?

Original poster

BlazesBoylansHat · 19/10/2025 12:20

Peridoteage · 19/10/2025 07:39

To be clear - i think its fine to enjoy a few cards, modest gifts, and to expect your husband might take you out for dinner if money isn't tight. Or to choose to do something nice that you enjoy etc.

Its when you get these people who expect a HUGE fuss, breakfast in bed, several lavish gifts, for people to take a day off work on the actual day, large parties in expensive locations or 3 day weekends away without kids. Because you are only 40 once. 🙄

Edited

Interesting responses

As for the British reference, while I know there's an international dimension, I think its fair to say it's a British site with a majority of posters who are British (unless there's some published demographic survey that i'm aware of)

I also qualified it by saying 'on MN' & the whole point of asking the question was to see if this was one of those somewhat surprising wider cultural differences similar to differing approaches to santa etc

@Peridoteage i'm also intrigued why gifts must be modest?

My dh brings me breakfast in bed every morning & has done all our married life. He loves doing it & i love it too. I spoil him in other ways & we love to treat each other well. Why the hell not?

We make a big effort with each other's birthdays - special breakfast in bed (he generally doesn't like it but does on his birthday), cards, cake, presents. We often go abroad for birthdays too. And a lovely dinner out that night in a nice restaurant

The way we look at it is life is short, you have no way of knowing what's around the corner so do everything you can to enjoy & celebrate what you have.

When dc were young & money was tighter we still made the effort to celebrate & show them how we care for them & one another, one year we baked a cake for dh & had a tea party when he came home from work. There dc had bubbles & blew them all around the kitchen.

OP posts:

Readyforslippers · 19/10/2025 12:25

TaylorNation1998 · 19/10/2025 09:47

Why do gifts have to be modest? My dh bought me a Range Rover for my birthday, because he can - why should he buy me a trio of soaps instead when it literally affects nobody but us and our finances?

Show quote history

That's nice. I always find presents between couples a bit strange, even though dh and I do still do it too! When you think about it if you've been married a while the money is both of yours anyway really so it's just like buying it for yourself in a way.

the80sweregreat · 19/10/2025 14:07

We don’t bother with presents for each other. After 40 years we can buy our own ones.

Cynic17 · 19/10/2025 14:21

Because it's just narcissism to think that anybody is the slightest bit interested in you and the fact that you've survived for another 365 days. Big deal!

Having said that, I spend a fortune on presents and cards for other people who seemingly like their own birthdays. I do it because it makes them happy, but I stil don't understand it.
Being fussed over for my own birthday is simply embarassing - passing an exam would be fine, it's an achievement, but a birthday is just "nothing". Fortunately, I've managed to now convince most of my friends to ignore it.

SomeHorse · 19/10/2025 14:24

Cynic17 · 19/10/2025 14:21

Because it's just narcissism to think that anybody is the slightest bit interested in you and the fact that you've survived for another 365 days. Big deal!

Having said that, I spend a fortune on presents and cards for other people who seemingly like their own birthdays. I do it because it makes them happy, but I stil don't understand it.
Being fussed over for my own birthday is simply embarassing - passing an exam would be fine, it's an achievement, but a birthday is just "nothing". Fortunately, I've managed to now convince most of my friends to ignore it.

Edited

I think you should probably look up ‘narcissism’.

Clue — it has nothing to do with enjoying your birthday.

Mangetoutmangetouti · 19/10/2025 14:40

SomeHorse · 19/10/2025 14:24

I think you should probably look up ‘narcissism’.

Clue — it has nothing to do with enjoying your birthday.

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I feel sorry for the kids of parents like this, if they really believe that about narcissism then what other messages are they sending their kids about feeling special, cared for loved etc.
i presume it’s generational stuff 😔

Fizbosshoes · 19/10/2025 15:03

It's my birthday next month, DD has already asked me to put a list of what I want, on the family whatsapp group...and if i have booked the cafe i said we could go for lunch.....because we like celebrating birthdays! I will go out twice for my birthday because its midweek and DD is at uni, so going out once with wider family, and then again with DD at the weekend. Even DH , who is generally quite grumpy, usually wants to go out for a meal to celebrate his birthday.
Im already thinking about what I want to do for my 50th and thats more than 2 years away.

CavvieQ · 19/10/2025 15:09

Because it's just narcissism to think that anybody is the slightest bit interested in you and the fact that you've survived for another 365 days. Big deal!

Is that honestly how you feel about the people you love? Not the slightest bit interested in them? That's an extreme and unusual attitude.

cardibach · 19/10/2025 16:54

Peridoteage · 19/10/2025 07:39

To be clear - i think its fine to enjoy a few cards, modest gifts, and to expect your husband might take you out for dinner if money isn't tight. Or to choose to do something nice that you enjoy etc.

Its when you get these people who expect a HUGE fuss, breakfast in bed, several lavish gifts, for people to take a day off work on the actual day, large parties in expensive locations or 3 day weekends away without kids. Because you are only 40 once. 🙄

Edited

‘Modest gifts’? This sounds a bit fun-spongey. And people don't, on the whole, ‘demand’ people attend yhings. They invite them. I like to do things with my friends and am happy to spend some of my own fun budget on their events.

Sprayandbox · 19/10/2025 16:56

To defend the British a bit a lot of fuss is made about children’s birthdays. We lived in a very diverse area for a while and struggled because it wasn’t in people’s culture to invite friends round to celebrate birthdays. People seemed to just do things with family as we were hosting whole class parties!

cardibach · 19/10/2025 16:57

Readyforslippers · 19/10/2025 12:25

That's nice. I always find presents between couples a bit strange, even though dh and I do still do it too! When you think about it if you've been married a while the money is both of yours anyway really so it's just like buying it for yourself in a way.

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It’s that someone else has thought about what might make you happy. Not rocket science, really.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/10/2025 16:58

I agree with you, @BlazesBoylansHat - we celebrate adults’ birthdays in our family. But I don’t expect anyone else to celebrate me, if they don’t want to, and I wouldn't judge someone who chose not to celebrate their birthday.

Life can be hard work, and pretty depressing, a lot of the time, so what is wrong with having a celebration?

cardibach · 19/10/2025 16:59

the80sweregreat · 19/10/2025 14:07

We don’t bother with presents for each other. After 40 years we can buy our own ones.

But Dont you want to choose something for each other, to make each other happy? Maybe something the other person wanted but wouldn’t buy?

cardibach · 19/10/2025 17:02

CavvieQ · 19/10/2025 15:09

Because it's just narcissism to think that anybody is the slightest bit interested in you and the fact that you've survived for another 365 days. Big deal!

Is that honestly how you feel about the people you love? Not the slightest bit interested in them? That's an extreme and unusual attitude.

Exactly. @Cynic17 are you not even a little bit interested in the fact that people you live have survived another year? Odd.

ToWhitToWhoo · 19/10/2025 20:48

CavvieQ · 19/10/2025 15:09

Because it's just narcissism to think that anybody is the slightest bit interested in you and the fact that you've survived for another 365 days. Big deal!

Is that honestly how you feel about the people you love? Not the slightest bit interested in them? That's an extreme and unusual attitude.

That's a bit cynical and I say it as a dyed-in-the-wool hater of my birthday.,Most people have at least some people who are interested in them, and in whom they're interested. And theres no narcissism in that.

Personally, I strongly prefer not to be pressed to celebrate the fact that my age is now a New Number, and I'm a year closer to death, and closer to having increased health problems, and closer to having to retire whether I want to or not, and etc. etc. But evidently a majority of people feel differently about their birthdays, and if I care about someone, I respect their wishes for birthday acknowledgements, just as I want them to respect my wishes to have mine ignored.

Oh, and I'm not competively miserable, and I do enjoy good food and keeping warm and Easter eggs!

ToWhitToWhoo · 19/10/2025 20:57

cardibach · 19/10/2025 16:59

But Dont you want to choose something for each other, to make each other happy? Maybe something the other person wanted but wouldn’t buy?

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But why would they not buy it if they wanted it? If it's a matter of feeling they can't afford it, then surely it's the same if their partner buys it, assuming that thet share finances. I realize that it's different if they don't, or if one partner earns much more than the other.

I do quite enjoy exchanging gifts, so it's hardly something I criticize people for- I was just a bit puzzled by the reason that you gave.

fortinbra · 19/10/2025 20:58

I've never experienced this in real life and didn't even know it was a thing on here!