Men suggesting home dates early on

[Sunshine386]

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

Something similar happened to me
Chatting to a guy online
he he was really polite and consistent with his messaging which was good

the following week he went to stay with his sister and her family and went out. Fine.

he then returned and I said to him maybe we should meet - maybe just a coffee or a walk.
he said no that he was raised to be a gentleman and that he wanted to take me out for a proper dinner but he had spent all his money at his sisters. I found that a bit shocking. He then said instead would I like to just go to his?!! I said no that I don’t go to anyone’s house until at least several dates in (in reality it’s at least when I feel Theresa connection or some sort of emotion which could be 4 weeks or 4 months,

Chat kind of dwindled after that 🙄

The best way to save time and effort is to say what your boundaries are.
You’ll soon figure out if that person respects you or not depending on how they respond

he was raised to be a gentleman and that he wanted to take me out for a proper dinner but he had spent all his money at his sisters. I found that a bit shocking. He then said instead would I like to just go to his?!!

I could take the insult to my virtue, such as it is, but I absolutely could not take the insult to my intelligence.

I got the ick just reading this. If he genuinely wants to get to know you, it should be no different for him if that's over dinner in a restaurant or dinner at home. Only I don't believe it to be that innocent. It seems a sleazy way to be able to make more of a move on you out of public eye.
He should know this puts you in a vulnerable position and to keep asking after you've shown you're uncomfortable with this is a level of pushy that would scare me off him forever. If he's like this now, what would he be like in another setting (when you're alone) or down the road. Red flag indeed.

To be fair I don’t see anything wrong with him wanting to have sex on third date 🤷🏻‍♀️..
However suggesting a home date, & you shutting it down & he suggests again , wouldn’t like that ..

Absolutely. If he wasn’t attracted to you it would be a non-starter, but if he won’t be patient, that’s a non-starter too

I don’t get this jumping into bed within a week of seeing someone, perhaps it’s my age but I’d like to know someone first. He’s coming across like sex is his motivator, so next time he suggests a date and mentions home date, just throw it out there. “ what’s with the push on home dating? Are you trying to save, in which case we could look at other options, I don’t really do home dates until I’m really comfortable with someone and I’m wary that they might want something more and it’s way to early for that!
if you can’t do it face to face have a chat on the phone. As I was always told, if he respects you and what you want, he’ll wait. If not he can Sod off 😂

If you say no and he loses interest, then you know he just wants to get his end away

I'd be straight up and say it's too soon for you having someone stay over or coming to your home or vice versa.. I wouldn't like that .
Just say I'm enjoying getting to know you like this at the moment .. suggest a walk and a coffee .
Take your time there is no need to rush x

Quite. I think it’s a pretty normal next stage if you’ve already kissed twice? You’re not 14.

He’s obviously attracted to you and wants to progress things.

If you don’t fancy him then don’t go on any more dates with him. If you do, why not have sex with him?

There isn’t a magic number of dates after which sex is acceptable/he won’t dump you afterwards.

It’s supposed to be fun, not some sort of test.

(I would, however, always go to his. That way if it’s awful and you don’t want to stay the night you can leave.)

Some women don't want to have sex after a date or 2 or need/want more of a connection before having sex.

The difficulty being, plenty of men seem interested until you’ve had sex, and then they back off. God knows how you weed them out

Not everyone is the same.
I love sex but I wouldn't have sex after only kissing someone twice. It was far less of a big deal to me as a teenager, which is the case for many women after they get some life experience.
No judgement for those who do want and choose to have sex very early on, but it shouldn't be that difficult for people to understand that we don't all want to.

Too pushy in my opinion. You need to keep yourself safe & you don’t know him well enough so I would say your instinct is correct here. This would be a red flag for me

It's not but, if the OP os looking for a long term relationship, being pushed into a string of hook ups can get demoralising.

I wonder what the house owner he is pet-sitting for thinks about him using the house to meet women for sex...

So dull. Early dates should be exciting, exploring shared interests or introducing each other to new things that you love. Pub on date 1 then home on date 2 is almost as dull and dire as enforced walks around the park in lockdown. If he can't be arsed to go and see a film or a comedy night or music gig or go out dancing or skating etc in the first few weeks, imagine how boring he will be a year down the line - slobbed in front of the TV, barely speaking except to initiate sex.

If it's a budgeting issue then he needs to show a bit of ingenuity. Find interesting free exhibitions, music nights, comedy try out spots, poetry slams, pack a simple picnic and blankets and go to a beautiful place to look at the stars. Pub, home, shag an almost stranger is my definition of bleak zero effort. No interest in connecting with the individual person, just using a date to scratch an itch for minimal effort.

When I was doing OLD I had so many offers from men aged 40 and upwards for an at home date for the first date. I declined them all.

One guy told me I only wanted to meet him outside as that I wanted a free lunch! 🤣🤣🤣

This. It is low effort and boring.

You should not expect a man to guess your expectations, even less 'read the room'. Be very clear and vocal about what you want, or don't want. Men (in general) are not exactly experts at guessing what is not told to them in as many words.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong by asking, provided he didn’t try and argue when you said no. If it bothers you that he’s suggested it more than once, just tell him that you’re not ready for that yet and would rather stick to meeting in pubs or restaurants or whatever for now.

It’s possible he’s tight with money, which I would find unattractive. But I think you’ll soon get a sense of whether that’s the case anyway, just from the way he talks about money, how he wants to deal with the bill etc.

It’s also possible that he does, indeed, want sex. But wanting sex isn’t a crime. If I really fancied a man, I would probably be trying to suggest dates where it might be on the cards too. Provided he’s fine with you saying no and making it clear that you’re not comfortable yet, I don’t think that’s a red flag in itself.

This is what I was trying to express earlier. So perfectly put.

Hmmmm. I’d start briefing the date locations to be places like science museum, Tate Modern etc, so basically places you could meet for free and hang out sober. Home dates are for much later on and are by appointment of the host only. I’d find it a bit presumptuous.

To be honest, I think you should just tell him how you feel. You aren’t looking for sex, you don’t feel comfortable with home dates.

If he pulls away, you’ve got your answer that he isn’t right. If he respects your view, then good.

Don’t get me wrong, I think sex is important and some people like to get it out of the way like a compatibility test. However if the feeling isn’t mutual and you don’t want that, then it isn’t the right approach for you.

I don’t think sex after 2 kisses is a “pretty normal next stage”. You might not be interested after those kisses, it’s fairly presumptuous to think a kiss automatically leads to sex.