Men suggesting home dates early on

[Sunshine386]

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

Where did I say I think it's possible to "get it right" with all women or that women are a monolith?

I'm merely saying it's difficult to get right for a man. We usually are expected to figure it out, often with very little spoken or unspoken cues, and with the woman evaluating our every move - or lack of moves. Hence I suggested actually speaking about it rather than have him just guessing and/or being surprised when he does the wrong (or not enough of the right...) thing.

This is one of many reasons that I have given up on men. Every time we'd had one date,they were pushing to come back to my place next time. I even had one who was trying to get me to agree to come to mine for the evening on a first date. I got so fed up with it,as basically it's just a way of trying to get you to have sex with them. Once you agree to them coming to your house,that's all they ever want to do. I ended up finishing with one bloke because of this. Never wanted to go anywhere. I started to feel like he was ashamed to be seen outside with me!

I'd never usually consider, or offer, a home date until we were established. It sounds pushy as heck to me.

Why on earth would you invite a stranger into your home or go to theirs ?

You have just said it again “it’s difficult to get it right”.

How can you “get it right” with 51% of the population. It’s a really weird mindset.

No need to guess. Just be yourself. It won’t work with the wrong person and will work with the right person.

It would be a red flag for me!…
either he’s pushing for sex or he’s a serial killer!

Just be up front and actually say to him that you want to get to know someone before having them round your house or going to theirs. If he asks how many dates before ‘home dates’ are applicable just say ‘I can’t put a time on it, it’s just when I feel comfortable and ready!!’
Dont say 6 dates minimum to him…. Or he’ll be thinking on date 6 he can up the pressure again…

Men say what they need to say to get their leg over…. So don’t be too trusting that it’s a long term thing he actually wants !

@Sunshine386 he doesn’t want to do dates . He has invited himself to your house and you think he would Exocet to stay over . He has invited you to a dog sitting job he is doing.

Has he invited you to his house at all ?

Only people with money should date? Seems a bit on the mercenary side...

I don't think anyone is suggesting you need to be Jeff Bezos but if you can't afford a meal or drinks or a coffee out every so often, then it's probably not the right time for you.

You'll probably find that women consider it a red flag that you think it's "mercenary" to want to date a man who can afford to pay for at least his own pizza and Coke.

Nothing at all mercenary about not wanting to date someone who defaults to ‘It’s either a soft drink in a pub or you have to come over to mine for my bargain macaroni cheese, or alternatively come on a free dogsitting weekend’ from the second date.

My question would be is he "pushing" or simply giving the home date as an option amongst others?

Men can be oblivious about safety concerns and while I'm not now, I certainly have been in the past and might well have suggested a home date fairly early on. I feel there's an element of performance about dates in public and that you can often be more real in private.

I feel there's an element of performance about dates in public and that you can often be more real in private.

Mm hmm.

Indeed. A woman who has met you precisely once once previously doesn’t want to risk discovering that the Real You’s idea of a nice, ‘real’ second date involves doggy style over the back of your mangy sofa before she’s even taken her coat off, as the smell of stale fags and burning spag bol fills her nostrils…

Yep - ‘more real’ = easier to get those knickers off on the sofa rather than attempting a fumble in the pub car park

It's something you both need to agree on.
He wants it
You don't
I would move on.
And as a dog owner I would not be happy if my dog sitter brought what is essentially a stranger to stay over in my home

"And as a dog owner I would not be happy if my dog sitter brought what is essentially a stranger to stay over in my home"

Exactly this. ^

He's disrespecting the home of someone who has allowed him there on trust and is planning to leave his sex-slop in someone else's bed.
😒
Big yuch from me.

This was so specific and so hilarious at the same time! 😂

😆😆

Because there isn’t a specific number of dates at which you can definitively tell whether someone is a murderer or a rapist.

Yes, you could invite him in after one date and only then discover he’s a violent maniac the moment he steps through your door. You could also invite him in after the 10th date and only then discover he’s a violent maniac the moment he steps through the door. Most sexual and physical violence suffered by women is from long-established partners who are violent for the first time only after the relationship is very well-established.

I would invite a man into my home when I felt good and ready. That might be after loads of dates or it might be after one or two. Frankly, in my case it would more likely be one or two - if I fancied someone I’d like to have sex with him. If I didn’t fancy him enough to have sex with him early on, I wouldn’t want to go on a second or third date anyway and it would be a moot point.

Essentially, women can and should do what they feel comfortable with, based on what they personally feel is proportionate to any risk.

When do they stop being a stranger?

Every person I’ve ever dated has been a stranger at some point.

Ignore.
It seems it’s fine for women to assume that all men want the same thing but not ok for men to assume women do 🤷‍♀️

You’re right - you can’t win!

FWIW, I’ve ended things with men when they haven’t made a move to at least kiss me after the third date. It makes me think they either don’t fancy me or are too shy/intimidated.

You’re right - you can’t win!

Of course you can win. You be yourself and you date women like they're people rather than algorithms who will respond in a predictable way to set behaviours (with a few obvious rules for decency in place). You won't hit it off with everyone (if that's what "winning" means) but you shouldn't expect to.

Exactly. Plus as someone “under 30”, there isn’t a 3 date rule/standard as alleged.

And yet the women on this thread are allowed to massively generalise about men: “if he wants a home date he defo just wants sex or is a serial killer/if he wants sex early on it means he’s just after one thing/if he wants to stay in rather than go out he’s tight/if it starts like this it means he’s boring and will never want to go anywhere” etc etc

Doesn’t anyone else notice the irony of this?

Red flag for me, I'm looking for relationships not casual sex and like to get to know people first. One guy did meet for a coffee but suggested home for the second one. I said I'd prefer to meet in public, so we arranged a pub meet. On the day, he said he wasn't feeling well so couldn't come out, suggested I go to his instead - I said I catch everything going, and I would wait until he was better. Thankfully he never messaged again.
With current DP, we met in public for the first two and a half months, then I asked about coming to his, and it was quite a relief to have a man NOT pressing to get alone in private. Also turned out to be by far the best relationship I'd started in years.