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Original poster

Men suggesting home dates early on

420 replies

Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 09:44

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

OP posts:
windchimeheaven · 20/10/2025 04:57

I'm clearly way out of touch. I wouldn't have a problem with this and it wouldn't have occurred to me that he wanted sex as a given thing. Just as well I never plan to date again.

Hopingtobeaparent · 20/10/2025 07:31

Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 14:25

I've done a fair bit of dating and haven't previously had this issue where I am being pushed for home dates very early on like this, usually things just happens naturally and the other person seems to be able to read the room. Agree with posters, perhaps I need to be more direct, however people can generally pick up on signals like this regarding people's comfort levels so I'm wondering why he is not. Maybe he's used to having first or second date sex with all past partners and expects this?!

He may be lacking in emotional intelligence, this may be why he’s not spotting the subtle cues? But yeah, being a bit sulky about turning down home date, again is not attractive!! Does seem a bit lazy. See how he reacts if you’re clearer about why, if you can be bothered.

Surely meeting in the middle is still fine, if more of a day date, an hour drive is not the end of the world.

gannett · 20/10/2025 07:41

Oldwmn · 19/10/2025 22:45

It's not but, if the OP os looking for a long term relationship, being pushed into a string of hook ups can get demoralising.

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Then don't let yourself get pushed into a string of hook-ups if you don't want that.

It's pretty easy to say no to sex even if you go back to someone's house. Accepting that invitation is a signal you might be up for sex, not that you are committed to having it. Several times I changed my mind for various reasons, made my excuses and left. If the man sulked then that was a bullet well dodged. Most men just took it in stride.

It is OK for either party in a dating context to want sex from the other, it is OK for either party to change their mind, neither of these things are red flags. I'm not saying anyone has to have sex they don't want to or if they feel it's too early - but they shouldn't be horrified at the idea that someone who's attracted to them might want it.

gannett · 20/10/2025 07:46

Cinaferna · 19/10/2025 23:05

So dull. Early dates should be exciting, exploring shared interests or introducing each other to new things that you love. Pub on date 1 then home on date 2 is almost as dull and dire as enforced walks around the park in lockdown. If he can't be arsed to go and see a film or a comedy night or music gig or go out dancing or skating etc in the first few weeks, imagine how boring he will be a year down the line - slobbed in front of the TV, barely speaking except to initiate sex.

It depends what the home date involves. For DP it was about his love of cookery (and it worked because the meal he served up absolutely took my interest up several levels).

Not sure how a full home-cooked three-course meal with luxury ingredients is low-effort compared to sitting silently in a cinema for two hours enduring the latest generic blockbuster. The thing with home dates is you actually get to talk to each other rather than papering over a lack of interesting things to say with an activity.

Tiggly2007 · 20/10/2025 07:59

Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 09:44

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

Nope, don’t be pressured if you don’t want to have him in your home at this stage. If you want to put sex on the table find a nice place for an overnight. That might also weed out if this is a financial issue. The last thing you want is your peace or safety ruined as he’s already demonstrated he isn’t intuitive enough to pick up on your subtle No. Don’t be pushed into decisions that aren’t yours, pushed being the operative word

Noodles1234 · 20/10/2025 08:12

Could well be, or is he tight for money and can’t afford to go out much?
I mean pubs are nice, but I’d expect meals out in restaurants etc.

i’d reply something along the lines of “I think it well to get to know each other over meals out”, see how he responds.

HatStickBoots · 20/10/2025 08:20

gannett · 20/10/2025 07:46

It depends what the home date involves. For DP it was about his love of cookery (and it worked because the meal he served up absolutely took my interest up several levels).

Not sure how a full home-cooked three-course meal with luxury ingredients is low-effort compared to sitting silently in a cinema for two hours enduring the latest generic blockbuster. The thing with home dates is you actually get to talk to each other rather than papering over a lack of interesting things to say with an activity.

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If anyone feels they are “papering over a lack of interesting things to say with an activity” then surely that in itself suggests there’s no sexual chemistry? No sexual chemistry, no need to pretend there ever will be. Dating apps are used by people who want to have a sexual relationship not people looking for platonic friendship. It’s better to find that out before spending what could be potentially an excruciatingly dull evening at home with a man who has invited himself into your kitchen under the pretext of cooking you a meal. You can’t escape, you’re bound by the rigid rules of social niceties and I personally can’t think of anything worse than a man I kissed twice but had no prior knowledge of, coming into my home and making a mess and expecting sex at the end of it. It becomes awkward if there’s no reciprocation. Op will know herself when she feels ready for that kind of connection.

SomeHorse · 20/10/2025 08:20

Noodles1234 · 20/10/2025 08:12

Could well be, or is he tight for money and can’t afford to go out much?
I mean pubs are nice, but I’d expect meals out in restaurants etc.

i’d reply something along the lines of “I think it well to get to know each other over meals out”, see how he responds.

Then, bluntly, he shouldn’t be dating.

Lurleenlumpkin79 · 20/10/2025 08:34

Reminds me of a guy I dated a while ago from OLD, Warren. He was a regular OLD lurker it turns out. 1st date was in town for drinks. 2 date after that it was round at his house for him to cook tea for me. 🙄

windchimeheaven · 20/10/2025 08:54

SomeHorse · 20/10/2025 08:20

Then, bluntly, he shouldn’t be dating.

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A guy shouldn't date if he can't afford restaurants? That's rough. He might have a lot of other things to offer!

Viviennemary · 20/10/2025 09:05

Helenalove · 18/10/2025 18:01

Men make no sense sometimes. They call women who have casual sex - sluts. Then they complain that women won't have casual sex with them

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That all makes perfect sense. To a man. It's the way their brains are wired.

Mumstillgonenuts2025 · 20/10/2025 09:19

He’s either still married and recently separated from his wife and kids! This sounds like a situationship request!!

namechangetheworld · 20/10/2025 09:29

SomeHorse · 20/10/2025 08:20

Then, bluntly, he shouldn’t be dating.

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How embarrassingly shallow. I can count on one hand the number of restaurants DH and I went to when dating. We were both young and skint, him especially so. He now earns about five times more than me.

StarlightLady · 20/10/2025 09:41

gannett · 20/10/2025 07:41

Then don't let yourself get pushed into a string of hook-ups if you don't want that.

It's pretty easy to say no to sex even if you go back to someone's house. Accepting that invitation is a signal you might be up for sex, not that you are committed to having it. Several times I changed my mind for various reasons, made my excuses and left. If the man sulked then that was a bullet well dodged. Most men just took it in stride.

It is OK for either party in a dating context to want sex from the other, it is OK for either party to change their mind, neither of these things are red flags. I'm not saying anyone has to have sex they don't want to or if they feel it's too early - but they shouldn't be horrified at the idea that someone who's attracted to them might want it.

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This!

lt is best to sort out if you are compatible sexually early on. Waiting ages really does not have benefits, the end responses are usually the same.

We are longer in an age (thank god) where sex is seen as something a man does to a woman. Quality sex is lovely. Bad sex is worse than awful. The situation does not change by waiting to find out.

l would be more concerned about his financial situation. Can you enjoy yourselves out and about together if he has no momey?

ThatCyanCat · 20/10/2025 09:47

namechangetheworld · 20/10/2025 09:29

How embarrassingly shallow. I can count on one hand the number of restaurants DH and I went to when dating. We were both young and skint, him especially so. He now earns about five times more than me.

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You were young and skint. How would you feel about dating a man now who's skint? You mention he now earns five times what you do so it would seem it's important now.

Rogerthat14 · 20/10/2025 09:47

ThatCyanCat · 20/10/2025 09:47

You were young and skint. How would you feel about dating a man now who's skint? You mention he now earns five times what you do so it would seem it's important now.

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Exactly

Pietchi · 20/10/2025 10:21

He lives an hour away…..what’s the point? He’s also pushy and wants you to have a home date in someone else’s home.

If you end up having sex he’ll pull the “Oh I can’t travel to you” which will mean you do all the legwork for him to get his leg over.

No thanks.

Missj25 · 20/10/2025 13:01

Viviennemary · 20/10/2025 09:05

That all makes perfect sense. To a man. It's the way their brains are wired.

Show quote history

I don’t know what kind of men you know , but thankfully the ones I know don’t think women are “ sluts “ if they engage in & enjoy casual sex ..
Everyone has needs 🤷🏻‍♀️ …

SteebesAngel · 20/10/2025 13:32

Absolutely not! Sex or murder tbh. Run!! x

eastegg · 20/10/2025 14:05

MabelMoo23 · 18/10/2025 10:43

My 3rd date with DH was a home date - it was London 2012 opening ceremony so it was a case of shall we watch it with a takeaway and a bottle of fizz and it was a glorious date but yes I slept with him for the first time.

but we’d had two really lovely dates before then, one a day time and one an evening and he’d been incredibly respectful and it just felt right - and that’s the key, your gut is talking to you a reason.

the kind of person DH is, it wouldn’t have bothered him in the slightest if I’d wanted to stay on neutral grounds, but this guy obviously seems a bit put out about no home dates and that’s a red flag for only in it for the sex

Had you met him online though? I think that makes a difference. If you knew who he was, friend of a friend etc, before your first date then third date isn’t quite so early iyswim.

So many scumbags online now who could be anybody!

TwistedWonder · 20/10/2025 14:17

eastegg · 20/10/2025 14:05

Had you met him online though? I think that makes a difference. If you knew who he was, friend of a friend etc, before your first date then third date isn’t quite so early iyswim.

So many scumbags online now who could be anybody!

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That’s the difference. My ex H was part of a group who i knew from out and about locally and I knew some of his circle really well. So I had no qualms about him staying at mine after a few dates.

Nowadays as most dating is online, you really have no idea who these men are and really need to do a bit of due diligence before being alone with them

OliveSeal · 20/10/2025 17:05

could be that he is also trying to see how low he can set the bar of his effort, to see how much you give in return? If he cooks and it doesn’t work out, would you find excuses for him and not make him feel bad etc. Or what your current lifestyle is. Basically focusing on the transactional aspect straight away.

OldLondonDad · 20/10/2025 17:23

Don't know your age, but yeah, 3 dates is basically the standard.

Not that it's a must, but it's the norm as I understand it. Especially under say 30.

You basically can't win as guy. You're either too fast, too slow, too push, too nice, whatever. I'm fairly sure things went nowhere with numerous women when I was dating a few years ago for not moving things fast enough. Many of them told me quite clearly that was the reason. It's virtually impossible to get right, so we just default to a short-hand of the 3 date norm...

I get why you find it too pushy, but maybe you should just have an open conversation with him.

JHound · 20/10/2025 17:25

OldLondonDad · 20/10/2025 17:23

Don't know your age, but yeah, 3 dates is basically the standard.

Not that it's a must, but it's the norm as I understand it. Especially under say 30.

You basically can't win as guy. You're either too fast, too slow, too push, too nice, whatever. I'm fairly sure things went nowhere with numerous women when I was dating a few years ago for not moving things fast enough. Many of them told me quite clearly that was the reason. It's virtually impossible to get right, so we just default to a short-hand of the 3 date norm...

I get why you find it too pushy, but maybe you should just have an open conversation with him.

Why would you think it’s possible to “get it right” with all women. Women are not a monolith.

Noodles1234 · 20/10/2025 17:29

namechangetheworld · 20/10/2025 09:29

How embarrassingly shallow. I can count on one hand the number of restaurants DH and I went to when dating. We were both young and skint, him especially so. He now earns about five times more than me.

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I agree, I met my DH online, we were both skint so had a lot of walks in the park or out in the countryside dates / he made me lunches / meets at pubs type of dates. Both of us paying for solicitors with divorces costs a lot.
Now he earns more than me, shallow to expect only rich men to want to date. It’s the effort that counts.