To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

My DS moved away for work aged 19 and just had to get on with it. He found a flat share on SpareRoom which was a bit of a nightmare but it was a roof over his head til he got settled and made some friends.
Yes, I was his guarantor initially as he had no credit score. 9months later when he moved on it was better. His next flat he had to sort out his lease, his council tax and dealing with the energy company etc. It would have been so easy to step in and take over but instead I gave advice when he asked. Yes, he made mistakes (his first energy deal was pretty rubbish) and he was stressed over some of it, but he learned a lot in the process.

Thing is though these posts come from a self selecting group of outliers. Its true that for a percentage of people having lazy and unmotivated parents is a good spur to get yourself together.

But for every one very driven child who is able to push themselves in the face of parental inertia there are nine who also aren’t very motivated or who lack confidence or contacts or who have other challenges who end up trapped by their parents’ limited ambitions and imagination.

This “hands off/free range” approach to parenting is very fashionable at the moment with everyone and their dog banging on about “the importance of being bored” all the time. And certainly there is some overbearing parenting. There is merit in pushing children to be independent.

But why would you, as a parent, fail to support your child in developing skills and interests and deepening confidence in things which are going to support them? I can’t see the point of having children if you have no interest in helping them becoming rounded and fulfilled adults.

So while I will encourage my teen daughter to be independent, I will continue to support her in her education and encourage her to push herself and to not pass up opportunities. And I won’t apologise for this.

I was going to say that gradual expectations of them to do stuff - sort their own school kit, make their own arrangements etc was the way to go for me. It helped that my job got busier and more involved as they got older and I just didn't have the time or headspace to immerse myself in what they were up to. They needed me to drive them to places but for the rest they could probably have run the house by themselves. Except that everyone argued about who should walk the dog.

I paid the bills and taught them how to cook and use a washing machine (they moaned and complained about 'slavery' (ha!) but they were so grateful when they went off to Uni and were among only a few that knew how to do these things!). I did what I could, but I'm not superhuman.

Not one of them can put a shelf up straight though, I failed there.

South east. Not London

P7 is aged 11. No parent should be making a packed lunch for a child of that age. 🤷‍♀️

But why would you, as a parent, fail to support your child in developing skills and interests and deepening confidence in things which are going to support them

Nobody has said this. It’s about balance. I see parents on here making themselves miserable driving a 15 year old to a hobby 4 times a week when they could get the bus.

@MotherofPufflings Is controversial to make packed lunches?

is it

But I have repeatedly said I’m not talking about people who live at home for financial reasons but pay rent, do housework etc so eventually when they do move out they can do these things for themselves.

I know - I think we're singing from the same hymn sheet!

DD was lucky enough to get a job in London upon graduation but if she hadn't, she would have been welcome to live at home and save for a house. Whilst working, paying board, doing her laundry, some housework and some cooking.

I lost my mother as a teen and have spent my entire adult life missing her. As long as I'm around, I'll offer emotional and sometimes financial support to my daughter. But I know how important it is to raise independent, resourceful and resilient young adults.

Absolutely agree!
I have a family member in their mid teens that still cant even be trusted to cross the fucking road safely as they have been so badly helicopter parented, its embarrassing!!!!
At age 11 I was expected to get the dinner cooked/finished off that my mum had started as we were left alone for an hour while she went to work and we waited for dad to get home.
I was made to walk the mile to junior school on my own from age 8, we got the bus into town aged 11 and hung out at the shops or the lido all day in the summer.
We live in a much safer era now too with mobile phones, video surveillance on pretty much every household etc.
I have no idea why parents feel the need to molly coddle their children so much now and not allow them to make the mistakes that ultimately lead to independence and growth.

I think making a packed lunch for a 14 year old is ridiculous, sorry

"Far too many teens go to university."

Perhaps we could rephrase this as, far too many jobs require people to have degrees even if they aren’t relevant to the role.

Agreed

It's part of being a caring parent.

Funnily enough, I was thinking the same this morning @Nescafeneeded . It's a generation of Peter Pans - never want to grow up. Living at home while working, contributing to the household by doing your fair share of housework, cooking etc, living like a young adult with independence is worlds apart from being a perpetual child who does nothing in the house, keeps their room a tip, demands to be fed, doesn't contribute even a token amount to their upkeep and sleeps all day and games etc all night.

They don't understand money comes from work and at times doing work you hate but still have to do as it is paying the bills. They expect to immediately have the same level of income and lifestyle as their parents, ignoring the fact their parents have worked the last twenty plus years to get where they are. Plus the number who think unless they love their job they're not going to it, it's mind boggling.

It might also just make sense in their household if a parent is making their own.

As long as the child can make their own etc

I made packed lunches for my child right up until they left sixth form. I had to make one for myself anyway, so why wouldn't I just make them both at the same time? Seems pointless having two people taking up space in a small kitchen, both trying to do the same thing!

P7 is aged 11. No parent should be making a packed lunch for a child of that age.

I occasionally make packed lunches for my 11 yr old. Why not? He usually has school dinners but sometimes I will decant some leftovers or if I'm making one of my amazing sandwiches I will do one for him & (clutches pearls) DH 😱

My younger dc prefer blander sandwiches, philistines!

Op do you think it was the best thing for you to be thrown out at 18 with £600 in your pocket, or do you think that the opportunity to move out under your own steam might have been better - maybe to consider pursuing further education, to feel like.. You know, you parents cared at all about you launching in the best way possible for you? You could have had options. You didn't HAVE to go get a flatshare and a crappy job, your parents forced you to do that. Do you feel like maybe they did you wrong a little bit?

It seems to me like you're trying to convince yourself that your parents did the right thing and that it didn't do you any harm but here you are on Mumsnet getting worked up over 22 year olds you don't know, not being forced out of their parents homes.

I think making a packed lunch for a 14 year old is ridiculous, sorry

@Nescafeneeded

I don't have a 14 yr old?

But I sometimes make my DH or my parents a sandwich, don't worry people they can do it themselves.

I don't think the problem is over parenting, I actually think it's under parenting.

So many kids think they'll go to uni get a degree and walk into job with no idea how hard it is out there to get a job - much harder than back 20, 30 years ago IMO because the competition is huge. And nobody is telling them that they need to be thinking about that job pretty much as soon as they start university - and asking what they are going to have to put on a CV and talk about at interview beyond their degree.

I would imagine a lot of the kids you're talking about are probably diagnosed/undiagnosed ND and really struggle with interviews and again need a lot of help and support from parents with that aspect.

The whole chuck 'em out in the big wide world and let them sink or swim is just awful IMO, you might have ended up managing to swim but how many didn't/wouldn't? You can't base your theories on the anecdotal evidence of one person - you.

DS is what you would describe as 'over parented' he's autistic and was helped, encouraged and supported with everything from his A-level revision, to his CV to how to answer interview questions and even his extra curriculars (he wouldn't had done any if not). As a result of all this support he's now doing a degree apprenticeship, working hard, living away and managing to save some money as well.

So I don't think the issue is over parenting, it's just parents are not helping their kids in the right ways and making sure they know what they need to doing to be able to land a job after uni.

I think most children after the age of about 7 should be capable of making a packed lunch. My youngest was doing his at 5 (he insisted because he could see his older siblings doing theirs and wanted to be a big boy). It seems that most parents these days make them all through primary and often secondary too.

I don't think that it's a massive deal one way or another really because most children will develop the skills to make a much more complex meal regardless of whether their mum made their packed lunch. But I do think the idea that parents "should" be making them is indicative of the attitude that parents are there to serve their children and also that people generally have really low expectations of children's abilities to learn practical life skills from a young age.

I think the current priorities when bringing up children is leaving them ill equipped for the real world. This focus on being kind and having boundaries and advocati g for yourself is great in theory, but workplaces, utility providers, landlords don't work like this.

They get the odd tiktokker gloating about how they manage work better than boomers or millennials encouraging the idea that this approach is right, whereas in reality it doesn't work.

Young folk enter the workplace and find it so different to the environments theyve been educated in. Where views may be censored, they can advocate for their needs; then they are just expected to knuckle under.

Some do and do well, some fight it because it's not right and they struggle.

At age 11 I was expected to get the dinner cooked/finished off that my mum had started as we were left alone for an hour while she went to work and we waited for dad to get home.I was made to walk the mile to junior school on my own from age 8, we got the bus into town aged 11 and hung out at the shops or the lido all day in the summer.

My dcs school only allowed them to walk home from yr 5.

My parents are immigrants, my mum first left home at 14 & went abroad to live & work at 17. They were glad I had other choices.

I voted UABU because I was born in the 80s and have an adult brother at parent’s home waited on hand and foot and lots of my similarly aged friends (funnily enough the child free ones) save up to go on Disney cruises every year.

I was the financial crash and the low-wage, zero hour economy, coupled with the boom in buy to let landlords that created this situation not changing parenting styles.

The Gen-Zs have their own problems caused by constant access to social media (creating a constant bar of comparison and the mental load of trawling through an information sewer of beheading videos and porn 24/7) The pandemic has also massively impacted those who were under 18 at the time. (If you look at how adults have become distanced from their wider communities and how manners and empathy have fallen by the wayside then imagine the impact on developing children) It’s no surprise that mental health problems have risen.

All of these issues need to be tackled by governments joining up support services and being more targeted to the specific problems.

There should be something similar to prevent tackling young men being groomed into these cults of misogyny (eg Andrew Tate) as these make it impossible for them to make meaningful adult relationships and thus cause them to never fly the nest.