To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

After the independence of Uni, none of my kids wanted to come home. One did, but she's SEN, and she only stayed a year before moving out. They'd all realised how great it was to live away from our very rural home with nothing going on, and they all moved to various cities, house shared, worked any job they could and had a blast. Now they are all buying their own houses (early 30's/late twenties). I've told them all that they could come home if they wanted to but I think they'd rather live in a box room than be subjected to living with their mother again.

Makes me proud. I did my job and readied them for the real world and now they love it.

@AsideFromThis how do you know they can't chop it up though? I don't know what P7 means but if I make my dc a packed lunch I don't specifically stop what I'm doing and call one in to chop up fruit.

I do think some difficulty is the route to maturity and this idea that children should be coddled till their mid-twenties when their brain 'matures' is ridiculous.

Agree.

But I have repeatedly said I’m not talking about people who live at home for financial reasons but pay rent, do housework etc so eventually when they do move out they can do these things for themselves.

It’s a difficult one because people/adults will also need the support of others…but I am seeing this happening right now with someone who is very close to me. The DD has been disempowered to such a degree that to remove the immense amount of “support”, or to change the dynamics in the relationship now, could lead to a terrible fall out. I don’t think this is about stopping support at a specific age, rather I think it’s about recognising when support leads someone to become unable to function in society.

Someone mentioned making children explore every emotion when they've been naughty, and I think that misses the obvious. Children, some more than others, push boundaries. It doesn't mean they're feeling sad or whatever. This "all behaviour is communication" thing can get in the bin.

Just keep the boundaries in place, it will make them feel more secure, and mould them into functioning adults. Not everything needs a big emotional conversation - that must be fucking exhausting for them.

A studio flat is a huge luxury! 18 year olds shouldn’t be expecting this, they should be in a house share. MUCH cheaper!

It's interesting how people are willfully misunderstanding your post and attributing failure to launch on the cost of housing and student debt but as you have said several times you are not talking about living at home you are talking about the inability to do basic life stuff. Parents accompanying children to interviews, 25 year olds who don't know how to use a washing machine etc.

An adult child living at home should be actively involved in running the household whether it's cleaning, washing, shopping, mowing the lawn or changing a light bulb rather than sitting in their room and expecting parents to do it all. I know of mid twenties people who have driven since they were 17 but never sorted out their own car insurance because mum or dad will do it for them.

I don't think people think adult children should experience hardship but some challenge and adversity is required as part of the maturing process and what we're seeing now is young people who think the normal stresses of life are a sign of a diagnosable mental health problem that precludes them from growing up or taking any responsibility. It's not kind or helpful to rush in and save them every time something is a bit difficult.

I absolutely agree that they should be pushed to study and/or work, and help with housework and bills, and socialise, and not be stuck in a bedroom gaming at all hours with mum doing all their washing and cooking.
The housing world is very depressing these days and so much harder for young adults to move out, which obviously doesn’t help.

I recognise myself in your op. I cringe when I talk about what we do for my youngest dd who is struggling with MH - it sounds so indulgent when you say it out loud. Certainly compared to the ‘tough love’ 70s upbringing me and my DH had where parents just didn’t get involved. You knew you were on your own and that was that. You just got on with it.

You’ve really prompted me to reflect on why we do it and I think it’s primarily because we love our dd of course and hate to see her struggle. She is bright and talented and we know she tries her best. We want to see her fulfil her potential. The other reason is that for me and my DH, the 70s approach wasn’t entirely successful. I certainly know I could’ve done so much better in life with a bit of parental support. As it is, I was a clueless 18 year old who aimlessly drifted and bumbled about. I eked out a life eventually but it could’ve been so much more different.

I do temper our ‘indulgences’ with a bit of gentle piss taking and encouragement to get a job, and there are no assurances that we will bail her out long term. But what do you do? Throw her on to the streets? She’s far too lovely for that and she didn’t ask to be born. We are still her parents and want to look after her even though she’s ’grown up’.

I mean I see it as a tapering off more than anything. From the age of 11/12 (who should be able to fix their own snacks and drinks, travel to school alone if eg a reasonable bus ride away), to 18 when in theory there shouldn’t be anything they can’t do for themselves.

we are in our 40’s and were asked for a guarantor for our rent due to affordability changes.

even a room anywhere near me is £1000 a month, there’s a massive boom in static caravans for £1200+.

If you are referring to my post, that's not what I said. I think encouraging introspection isn't just useless in small children it builds a habit that is self harming. Just building boundaries and telling children off from crossing them is enough.

Where do you live?

In fact the human brain is not fully developed until about 22.

There's actually no point where the human brain is "fully developed" - it changes throughout our whole lives, and will also differ from person to person.
22 seems a bit old to have to keep an eye on.

I was a very hands on parent with my child, right up until they went off to university, where I did of course provide the financial support expected. They came home temporarily after but then moved away again for their career. They are now mid twenties and doing very well living independently, and have big plans for the future.
We get on well and I'll be there for them if and when they need me, but really, they're just getting on with living their life as they see fit.

I was definitely accused of doing too much for them when they were younger. My own parents told me I was 'molly coddling' them!

I do wonder sometimes if attitudes and expectations get laid on to many kids that life will be so tough for them, that the kids believe it and don't bother even trying.

Why are you making your child's packed lunch?

I both agree and disagree with you. Teens these days have it easier when it comes to certain things, but also a lot harder in certain other areas.

For example rent, careers, social media...

"Far too many teens go to university."

My ds wants to be a civil engineer. To achieve that he must have a degree, either by reading engineering or by getting g a graduate apprenticeship which amounts to the same. What other route do you suggest?

@MagpieRobin ah here we go again the sen trolls are out this morning. What planet are you on that you think ADHD and other SEN are just kids not accepting that life is hard and not being able to get over it. What an ignorant person you are. Clearly you have no clue what you're talking about.

Did I say ‘civil engineers don’t need to go to university’?

Jesus! I said it and I stand by it.
My kids are independent and work hard. I have a child fresh out of Uni who is home job hunting 24/7 but also desperate to get a job & move out.
But my kid can stay with me until they are financially able to move out.

My comment wasn't that I will provide for them, cook for them & clean for them forever but I will be there for them if they need me & through any tough times.

My marriage ended in my late 40s and my parents offered me support through that, I didn't need financial support luckily but I did need emotional support at that time.
That's what I am talking about - get it in perspective please!

I think we're agreeing? I agreed with your post, anyway, and just expanded some thoughts of my own.

Shouldn’t be expecting a studio flat.
fucking hell. What a world. No wonder they feel depressed.

ok they are on their NMW job, what’s the way out of it? Studying. They have to work full time to pay for the house share, that leaves evenings. I’ve got four colleges near me. One does evening courses, they are redo GCSEs. That’s it. Not a levels, not vocational.
how do you get out of that house share and manage to “upgrade” to a studio flat. Let alone, run a car, have a social life, have a partner and then a family.

It's an interesting phenomenon on Mumsnet why some grown adults are so threatened by the existence and identification of neurodivergent people when it has no bearing on their life at all. Someone should study it.