To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

Whilst I agree that the job of parents is to raise people who become functioning adults, that doesn’t mean that support is cut off at 18 and people go through mental health challenges in order to get there which is what the first few posts seem to be advocating for.

I get what you’re saying. I think saying about rent etc in your OP has caused the chat to go off at a tangent.
yes, I believe, that some parents are too soft or baby their children. To a degree, I did too. I found it very hard to share the house work, cooking etc when they lived at home. I just got on and did it. Partly because it was easier, my standards were different to theirs and if I’m honest I enjoyed caring for them. It really isn’t that simple to change or go into another mode. Sometimes when we know how hard it was for us it makes us want to protect and not see that happen to our own. Life is different now though. So we do need to look at it through new lenses. The internet, influencers, less jobs, poor pay in comparison to 40 years ago. It’s not that black and white.

Forgetting the packed lunch, I just wanted to say I feel sad for the young you at just 18. Maybe your lack of support means you want to deprive others.

The fact is life is much harder these days in every respect. You will be hard pressed to even find somewhere to live without a huge deposit and references etc. it’s not the same as it was any longer.

I don't think it's to do with parenting but to do with the cost of living/housing, people are waiting longer than ever to get married, buy a house and have babies largely for financial reasons. If you live at home with your parents while saving to buy a house you will still behave as their child to a certain extent no matter how grown up you are. Coupled with the societal norms to settle down later and later, it's a society thing not a difference in parenting.

Nowhere near a million, it’s under 650,000. I’m not sure where you’ve got a million from, maybe that’s the estimated number who should have them in which case we’re falling 450,000 short and so there are definitely a lot more who need them!

I left home at 18 many decades ago cos it was expected of me but It was very hard! I too like the extended family model of many cultures. Think it’s hard to strike a happy balance, being there for your kids and promoting independence at the same time.

No, about 630k in January this year, which is around 5%. Just under 20% of children in the UK have identified SEN, so around 75% of children with SEN do not have an EHCP. Not saying that's right or wrong, but the issues around it are due to the terrible provision of SEN in the UK and issues with funding and support for SEN kids, not that children with SEN have the EHCP in the first place (in my opinion anyway). Anyway, I've digressed from the OP a little!

@MotherofPufflings but why is it either or though?

On the odd occasion I or DH make a packed lunch why does it mean I am serving my dc? A lot of it is just time management & what's convenient.

There shouldn’t be - that’s very very high.

Do you like the bit where you move your parents into your own home when they get dothery?

@Nescafeneeded how old are your DC?

What’s the difference between making packed lunch or making lunch/dinner? Do you expect 14yo to cook all their own meals too? Not often I need a packed lunch but DH has one most days if not WFH. He will make mine the same time he makes his.

The division of chores in our house partly depends on who has the most time available on each day and what each person is doing.

No, I truly believe it was for the best. 18 is perfectly reasonable and I’m now far more independent, and happy, than my friends whose parents were much more enabling.

I would expect a 14 year old to see to their own lunch, not dinner as parent normally cooks for the family and that’s economies of scale, and is being done anyway. But I would expect them to stack dishwasher if asked and so on.

@YorkshireGoldDrinker

lol yeah right, so anyone who didn’t get pregnant straight away should be prostrating themselves in gratitude and appreciation of their offspring, and sacrifice all their own wants and needs forever more - even when the parent is 80 and the child is 40 or whatever

@ScarlettSunset your dc will fail to launch now! 😆

It might also just make sense in their household if a parent is making their own.

Exactly, we always make packed lunches for a day trip or car journey. One parent will do it. When I holiday with wider family or friends we do the same thing.

I don't really understand how you think any of that was good? I mean what brilliant life lessons did you learn from hanging around all day every day of the summer? You think it's brilliant parenting to leave your 8 year old to walk to school alone every day? What did you learn from that? How did it help you get a graduate job?

DS nearly got knocked down as a teen crossing the road (his fault), I still don't fully trust him as an adult because he's so in his own head - don't worry! he's now working as a software engineer and living away from home and with the right support your family member will be successful too. Who knows they may well be ND as DS is, he wasn't diagnosed until 11 and could easily have been missed.

In some respects, I agree. A lot young adults in my family live with their parents who throw their hands up but won't make their DC do anything around the house, and can't cope of they don't get everything they want. I think we need to stop the everyone gets a prize mentality.

But I also think - and in my case know - I over parent because of the lack of parenting and support I received. Yes, I pushed through and got a good job and looked after myself, because I knew no one was there to catch me.

But I also had horrendous teen years, where under parenting led to poor decisions & horrific experiences, and I've never fit in, because I didn't feel supported. I also married too young, looking for that support. A bit more support into adulthood would have made the difference.

I think we need a balance. It's just finding it.

Im in my 50’s too and think for a lot of reasons life was easier growing up when we did. I don’t remember all the pressures that teens today have being an issue then. We could literally walk out if one job into another. When we bought our first house we sold our car to pay the deposit. You couldn’t do that now. I honestly think life is harder for young people now.

It’s a tough one because the financial picture is different these days. But things like people coming on and asking what their 18 year old should wear to a job interview is something I find weird. That’s for the 18 year old to figure out.

I find it all such a paradox. Kids now on the surface grow up faster, they know how to curl their hair and do a face of make up at 13 but it doesn’t always seem to translate to useful life skills.

I would expect a 14 year old to see to their own lunch, not dinner as parent normally cooks for the family and that’s economies of scale, and is being done anyway.

How is lunch not economies of scale or doesn't have to be done anyway?

Why do you think that’s high? Around 11% of children in the UK are estimated to be disabled and there are around 14 million children aged 4-18. 11% of 14,000,000 is about 1.5 million. Not every disabled child would meet the threshold for an EHCP but a million doesn’t seem ‘very very high’ to me.

@teacupzs

so?? It won’t harm a 14 year old to make their own lunch!

Absolutely. I'll wash my sons' clothes if they're in the basket, but they each do at least a load a week and wash their own bedding, DS2 even irons as his uniform requires it.
I feel we strike the right balance between parenting and giving them a stable base to push off from while gradually stepping back. They are expected to do their own life admin, but know when to ask for help.
I didn't get any parental support from the age of about 14, I was expected to get on with life.
I dropped out of college twice, ran away at 17 with a man nearly twice my age, came back for a few months and left home at 18 to live in a dodgy house share and ended up pregnant by 21...
There's a balance to be struck, and it's hard because life is very different now.

@Cherrytree86 again I don't have a 14 yr old but where did I say it would harm them or that they would be incapable?

Why didn't your child make yours and theirs. My DD would often make her own lunch (from age 9), and ask me what I wanted for mine and make that as well, granted the cheese rolls were more cheese than roll sometimes but she did it.