To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

I think every generation of parents thinks that they can do it better. That doesn't necessarily mean that the way they go on to do it is right either. I think that in general it's a good thing to be interested and involved in your children's lives, but it often goes too far and goes on too long these days.

But I’m not advocating for turfing them out the minute they hit 16. There’s a world of difference between that and acting as a maid, cook and chauffeur for them at 24 as they live in their childhood bedroom gaming and claiming benefits

Because the education system is one size fits all and in desperate need of an overhaul. As is the SEN system - but the reforms the government is talking about is not the way to do it. And this isn't a dig at teachers - most of them are sick to the back teeth of the endless pursuit of performance targets. All this does is force schools to take a more and more punitive approach to perceived 'failure'.

But they don't get a studio flat. They flat share. Studio flats come later.

They should be cutting it up themselves! A P7 is perfectly capable of doing that.

@jokkkshfjjf my dcs school is strict eg detention if homework is late or not good enough or for being late to
school. That's fine by me.

It's harder to expel dc now but there have always been shit parents.

I wasn't raised to respect elders just because and encouraged to not just trust someone in authority because they are in authority however I was expected to be courteous and respectful in general.

But I'm a 2nd gen immigrant and went to faith schools as my dc do so now which ten to have a large proportion of 2nd gen immigrants. I think culturally some of us are stricter?

Omg yes! I find it astonishing how much hypocrisy there is as well!

I posted last year that I had been in a doctors appointment with my son (18) and I was ridiculed and ripped to shreds and berated for going in to the appt with an ‘adult’ fast forward 15 months and I’m asking advice about whether I should ask him to leave and stand on his own two feet (19 and a half) and I’m ripped to shreds for not caring about a child. We can’t win. But essentially I agree, I think we are parenting for far too long.

The people who say parenting is for life, wait until you are in your 70s 80s and in poor health with "children" of 40/50. ,I have a relative with a spoiled,40; years old toddler,who had 2 very well paid jobs,a lot of savings blown through, walked out of his job,she's just throwing him out yet again.

No.. parenting is an ongoing job BUT if you do it properly your children will be independent and grow into useful citizens.

Why should an 18 year old need a studio flat? When I was 18 I lived in a 4 bed house with 3 other people. I didn't expect to have a place of my own. The local estates are being built with a proportion of house with every bedroom en suite, for exactly that market. I shared one bathroom.

.

"And 18/19 is not childhood."

In fact the human brain is not fully developed until about 22.

I'm not suggesting ds will need me to make his breakfast at 21 but I will keep an eye on his diet, finances and general mood/health until he is settled into his first full time job at 22 and I see he is happy.

I see nothing wrong in that.

I think the "it was tough for me it should be tough for you" doesn't cut it. Times have changed. 30 odd years ago if you had a good degree you could get a good job fairly easily, plenty of grad schemes - everyone instilled that if you worked hard you would reap the rewards but that simply isn't true anymore. It's so hard for young grads to find work. Cost of living is astronomical. High tax, lots of debt from tuition fees - its dire.
I do think it's important for parents to instil a good work ethics in their kids - I was made to get a weekend job at 16 and I've always worked every since - it really helped me as though I'd always been a straight A student I was incredibly shy and I loved working and earning money. As soon as I started working at 16 my parents stopped giving me pocket money. The problem I find today when I'm hiring grads/young people is that they don't really want to work, they don't have that work ethics, they want everything to be easy, expect a pay rise just for passing another year regardless of performance. I think that's on the parents. I managed to work 25 hours per week throughout uni and come out with a 1st. It was bloody hard but I did it.
I do think schools (at least when I was there) don't teach kids the appropriate skills. There wasn't anything around building wealth, pensions, investing, managing money, planning for the future, entrepreneurship. And not much support in steering kids to help them find careers. I was just lucky I had a burning career ambition but I imagine for those that don't it must be overwhelming- I'm not sure how I'd feel having to commit to a 3 year degree paying 10k per year or whatever it costs with the thought that it might not lead anywhere. Job market is so competitive alot of companies expect a masters degree on top.

@Yokopops I learned a lot more at uni than how to work a washing machine & no I didn't to this at home before I went.

Oh come on, that's an extreme and unusual case as well you know.

We can all find odd "what about..." cases to back up any argument but that is not the norm and this is a thread of generalisations.

Even flatshares are expensive considering wages have stagnated. I say this as someone who mostly lived in flatshares until my late 20s. I paid £700 for a flatshare in London, very nice clean house.

I had a look online recently and no way could I find a flatshare for that price of a similar standard now. I’d be looking at closer to £1000. And before anyone says well don’t live in London then the fact is I struggled to find professional work outside of London in my 20s.

I eventually left during the pandemic since we were able to WFH and I have no intention of going back, but it’s not an easy option for everyone. Especially with employers calling people back into the office.

And even Manchester, Leeds etc are pricey now too if you don’t want to live somewhere damp and grotty.

Do you even know anyone who's tried to get a room in a shared house these days? Even a grotty one?

There's huge competition so if you manage to find a room before it's taken, you need more than money.

And then failing all that, you need more than £2000.

What 18 year old fresh out of home /kicked out has references, previous tenancy history, passable credit checks and a guarantor?

And when you can't provide all of that, you need the deposit plus 3-6 months rent up front.

Definitely. There’s so much to learn at uni.

And compared to any time in history, our young have it good. There is little disease, hunger and no wars to be forced to fight.

My parents didn't have disease, hunger or have to fight in a war?

I thought child hunger was a growing issue today though?

Life’s brutal now. There’s less opportunity to retrain, which means there’s more pressure at 16-18 to know what you want to do and get it right.
you can’t just stumble into something as it might be wrong and you might miss the opportunity you should have taken and you can’t retrain due to costs and living expenses.
Uni debts, apprenticeships are signing up to that profession for life (it feels it!) and housing costs.

everything feels harder for them now. so it’s no wonder people feel depressed like their life just can’t get going if they don’t have a plan or can’t get that plan going (didn’t get the grades for uni, or can’t afford to move away).

yes it’s absolutely my job to create a functioning adult, but society has made it that bit harder for them to find their way right now. It doesn’t mean we should pander to them, just maybe support them a little more.

I agree OP! One poster just said 'parenting is for life', and right there is the crux of the problem. No it's not! And nor should it be. Parents die- your role as a parent is to raise happy, confident independent people to be the next generation.

Your child's independence is something to be proud of. Needy parents raise needy children.

I had/ have one of these much villified adult children. Or I suppose I am the villain! He is 23, autistic, lazy (sorry but he is) distracted, forgetful... Super intelligent and absolutely gorgeous but he has issues. He struggles with a lot of day to day things that other people his age find relatively straightforward.
I did not intentionally create a man who cannot respond to emails or always remember to change his bedding. I really didn't, but this is how he is. He has always needed more support than other people his age.

However - he has lived more or less independently since he was 19. First at uni, which be dropped out of, and now in a city a few hours away living in a house share and working in a chain restaurant. He would have settled into a life of playing videogames in his childhood bedroom if I had allowed it, and that would have been so destructive for him (and me). I lovingly and supportively showed him the door 😁 but I still do things for him that would have me ripped to shreds on here.

Its really really hard and it's not fair to blame parents (ie mums). It is just hard. There are no books telling us how to do it, we're all doing our best here and figuring it out as we go along. What I will say OP is that no one warns you how hard parenting a teen/ adult is. It's the hardest thing Ive ever done, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. You never know what is around the corner...

There’s a world of difference between that and acting as a maid, cook and chauffeur for them at 24 as they live in their childhood bedroom gaming and claiming benefits

I don't know anyone like this, how do you know all these people?

I knew very few people who lived at home past the age of 19/20 as it was seen as a bit strange. In my year at school (120) maybe 5-10 did?

Did the majority go to university?

Im 62 and it was the norm not to go to uni and to stay in the family home - working and paying board - into your 20s.

What I find odd these days, is the number of parents on MN claiming their DC are ND (ADHD is the popular one at the moment), have MH which is the school/college/uni/State's job to sort out.

It really isn't. CAMHS waiting list is so long because no system can cope with the number of young people (and their parents) who can't accept that life is hard but you've got to sort it out for yourself.

My mum grew up in London in the 1960s.

everyone she knew lived at home after leaving school because they couldn’t afford to live on their own.

she only moved out age about 24 (to go to work in Africa, so a bit of a change!)

i grew up in a Lancashire ex mill town in the 1990s. Everyone I knew moved out after school or uni because housing was cheap and jobs easy to get.

i think the economy now is not what it was. Anyone who has family in London or the south east needs to earn a massive amount to move out and get their own place. Most people starting out n those areas live with family if they can.

But OP, you’re the opposite of what I mean. I’m talking about parents who would’ve let kids like your DS live in their bedroom and bankrolled them. You’ve proved it doesn’t have to be like this.