To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

I'm not sure this is something you can make generalisations about. In some cases it might be true, in others it might be that a young adult child is genuinely unwell. In other instances an adult child me be living at home with some of the benefits of living with mum and dad but happy and thriving, working and saving. In some cases it might be that there is just no way to afford moving out on their own. Some young people might be out and living on their own but struggling mentally. Also in many other cultures multi-generational living is the norm and not seen as a failure.

We did it for that year before leaving school as I said to help them learn.

Why would you need a year to learn how to put a wash on though?

I was always encouraged to be independent, and as I enjoyed the positive feedback, I leant into it! I had a job at 15 and earned multiples of my friends part time jobs, moved to the other side of the world when I was 18, I supported myself doing various jobs and remain very self sufficient and independent.

Having now had kids, this is not the way I want it to be for my children. With the benefit of hindsight, I realise I was not nearly as mature as I thought myself at 19. I could have done with the benefit of more mature support. While I think I've done reasonably well for myself, I can definitely see my life could have gone in other directions had I had the benefit of support in those late teen/early 20s years of young adulthood rather than focussing on earning money in the here and now, and not looking more long-term

I agree with that - but this year it is noticeable, at least in this city, that there are fewer retail jobs suitable for 6th formers. None of our local supermarkets are taking on seasonal temp staff. That was how my DS1 got his Tesco job. My goddaughter has just left her regular weekend retail job as she was being pressured into doing too many hours. When I was a 6th former in the 80s almost all of us had a 7/8 hour Saturday job and most of us girls babysat weekly as well. Now many parents won’t hire a local 6th former or student to babysit and the traditional Saturday retail job seems rare.

For a generation.

Prior to that you rarely left home until you married and your parents moved back in with you once they got to a certain age.

The emphasis was on teaching your children to be independent though. This is what I notice - that parents don't teach their kids life skills or much at all. All teaching is out sourced. Kids aren't given responsibilities within the home, and instead are allowed to do fuck all whilst parents (Mum) does all the cooking and cleaning and tidying.

Thats the difference. Not whether you moved out due to cheap rents or not.

There are plenty of men, brought up by the boomer generation, that still can’t wash a sock!

There has, an always will be, an amount of ineffective parenting.

To a point I agree. Motivated kids seem to in many cases which makes me wonder a bit if its as impossible as people make out.

I do think over-regulation in many areas is a factor, it's like they want to drive young people out of seeking employment.

When I think back, my first jobs were picking fruit at 12, and delivering newspapers at about the same age. The second is now done by adults in cars (less environmentally friendly) and the former by itinerant workers. My dp's first job, in the Caribbean, was shovelling gravel for road work at 12!

My kids have managed jobs by about mid teens. The eldest babysat from 12 and became a camp councillor at just 16 - which was massively hard work. Second did not get a first job till 17 but worked as a grocery cashier. Third is still not 16 but does a little babysitting and things like piling wood, mowing lawns, and so on. I have friends whose teens teach swimming lessons or lifeguard.

I think where we find life gets in the way of this stuff we need to try and be thoughtful about making sure there are other ways to materially contribute. Things like cooking meals, managing laundry, yard work, and so on.

God yes. I never actually thought of it like this but you're right. I don't remember my mum parenting as much as I do

@TempestTost when were you last served on a till by a 15 or 16 yr old in a supermarket?

Adults fill a lot of these insecure jobs now, that's a huge difference and also different laws for under 16s.

I have to agree. I have to say though that just because you pamper or mollycoddle your children a bit, that doesn't mean they will definitely be children forever, will be emotionally teenagers forever, and won't get a job til they're 35.

My 2 - close in age, one academic year apart - were pampered by me and DH a bit, and we did fight their battles for them quite often, and they had most of what they asked for, and we spoiled them a bit. And I did most things for them. (Like they never did household chores, or cooking etc, as I feel you're not a child for a long time and I wanted them to enjoy it....)

It didn't stop them going to University, doing their degree, and then moving out within a few months and living independently - first with friends and then with a partner. They are 30-ish now and never came home. They both have degrees, and well paid professional jobs, and their own home (owned.)

We were quite strict in some ways though, when it came to school, college, and Uni. One DC wanted to leave Uni after the first year, and we said 'no way are you leaving.' They were just getting bored, there weren't any huge issues. They stayed, and were pleased they did, as the second year was much better (and the third.) The other DC didn't want to do their A levels and we said 'yes you will!' Again, quite strict. We didn't allow any kind of bad behaviour or backchat either. They are now sensible, level headed, hardworking, independent adults, and have been since they left Uni. We travelled a lot with them too, which opened their minds a lot, and made them quite adventurous and ambitious.

I have a friend however who did spoil her children, and did everything for them, and let them get away with anything and everything, and pandered to every whim and wish and complaint... She has 3 DC - 2 DD, 1 DS, and they are aged 27 to 34, and they ALL still live at home. The 2 DD have a baby each (well, one is 2 and one is 4.) Both have no partner, as they split before the baby was born. So my friend, her DH, the 3 adult DC, and the 2 little ones all live under one roof, in a 4 bed house.

The son is 34, and has not done more than 3-4 years work since he left sixth form at 17, (didn't complete his A levels,) and lives off her and her DH. Hasn't worked since 2019 currently, as he has depression and anxiety. The older DD is 30, and has worked 10-12 hours a week since she left college at 18, and had her baby at 26, and hasn't worked since. She only worked 10-12 hours a week, as work gives her anxiety, and she 'struggles to be around people.' The other DD is 27, and had worked 20 hours a week or so since about 20 years old, before having a baby at 25, (two years ago.) She doesn't intend to go back to work anytime soon, and handed her notice in at the job she was at.

My friend has bought into all of this, and accepted it, and is allowing these grown adults to continue living like children. At 27, 30, and 34. She works part time herself, and is looking after 3 adult babies, and the 2 little ones half the time too! I fear for the future of her 3 'children.' And the children they are having.

None of the 3 adult DC work, so I don't know how they survive financially, but I do know they are in an awful lot of debt. (High 5 figures.)

(She told me how much debt she and her DH are in before anyone asks how I know!)

(How do I know all the rest? Because she talks to me about it...)

.

I'm in my mid 40s and a registered professional

@Dissappearedupmyownarse so how many 16 yr olds does your work employ these days?

There is a world of difference between supporting and cosseting and I get where OP is coming from. The former should absolutely be there even for adult offspring where they work hard but struggle financially but yes I see some young family members dossing about the house doing f all while (usually) mum waiting on them, doing laundry etc hand and foot. Mugs.

It's not tough, it's actually quite exciting! Spreading your wings, learning to live without parents. I loved those days, parties, friends, even the grotty dirty housemates, lol.

I have a 21 year old with ADHD. They are at uni and live independently, they work in the holidays. But they still require a huge amount of parenting because there are things their brain just can’t do. So that’s what I do.

Really?! 🙄🙄🙄

Great, you acknowledge things are different now!

I agree. I didn't house share, had a very cheap flat, cheap because there was no central heating in it, amongst other things, and it was the 90s and rent wasn't ridiculous in my area.

I loved it. Having my own space to look after, being able to have who I wanted round when I wanted.

In my 50s, now, and still get a kick out of having a front door to call my own.

@Crapola25

she wouldn’t be like that with you if you lived with her. Big difference between you visiting and being spoilt and you living there and being spoilt.

So about 8% of young 20 year-olds... and what % is it you think it is now?
8% now would be about 400,000.

I think there's a big gap between expecting your child to move out and rent the second they turn 18 and letting them live at home, not working, doing their washing and cooking etc

Young adults should be looking for work, trying to save to eventually move out and contributing to the family pot in terms of housework and cooking. My eternal frustration is seeing my BIL take advantage of MILs generosity, living at home not pulling his weight with housework, not working because he is depressed when he actually once said to me that he wished he'd have an accident that meant he was too disabled to ever have to work (but not too disabled to play on his XBox all day 😑)

The demise of the smaller business doesn’t help with 16 year olds getting jobs.
AI, self check outs, closure of deli counters! All of that are filling the place of 16 year olds

You learn so much from your Saturday job, value of money, confidence, professionalism. We are doing our youth a massive disservice by not having them.
it’s the same with voluntary positions, my ds tried for his DofE no one wants to take them until they are 18.

I think there's a middle ground between turfing them out at 18 and parenting them/waiting on them hand & foot indefinitely. I stayed at home with my parents until I was 31 but I was expected to work, contribute financially, do housework, cooking, my own washing etc. They were there if I needed advice etc but I stood on my own two feet in terms of job hunting, managing my own money etc.

'Twas ever thus from the 60s onwards. We used to call them boys who still lived in their parents' back room. 60 years on I don't know what became of them, probably passed on by now.

Agreed. I didn’t leave home until my mid 20s but I was expected to get a job at 18, pay ‘rent’ and co tribute to the house via a grocery shop here and there. I was also quite depressed as a teen but my mother made it clear nobody was going to do it for me. Did my own laundry from 14, and brought my own necessities since 18.