To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

This is true, my parents’ neighbour inherited the house from his elderly parents having lived there with them for decades.

DH’s cousin moved back in with his mum as an adult.

In both cases the men involved have jobs but there was definitely an element of them avoiding having to look after themselves and wanting their mum to do it.

I agree, although you never stop wanting to do your best and always be there for them but some seem to have no independence at all. My DH is a driving instructor and most of his young students lessons are paid for by their parents and their parents book all of their lessons. I guess times have changed, when I was learning at 17 I found my own driving instructor and paid for my own lessons. Never occurred to me it should be any other way. Although my parents were there for me in many other ways.

It’s not the 90s. University education is no longer free, there’s no signing on in the holidays, rent is high. No one is going to convince OP that being packed off at 18 with the equivalent of £2k to live in a house share wasn’t the norm then, and isn’t the norm
now. But also to remind that a generation ago, the Boomers weren’t legally adults until 21. And given what we know about brain development, it’s fair to say that 18 year olds aren’t really‘adults’ at all. Parenting really is a job for life, but it doesn’t have to come with slavery and martyrdom.

What do you do out of interest?

Haven't rtft thread but I agree so much. And I will also say in my experience the fault lies entirely with women/ mothers.

I live in a university city, 2 excellent universities but at the opposite side of the city. We are between 2 bus routes one going to each Uni. Twice in the last month I had a conversation with a neighbour whose kid is starting off and I said we are so lucky with our direct bus route and both mothers laughed and said they would be driving their child to and from. One said 'not a hope would I get him up in the morning to get on the bus!' And the other laughed and said 'you'd better tell him that! He will be expecting lifts only.' My ds is only a year behind so I'll have to deal with him moaning that he has to get public transport. It made me so mad. With the horrendous housing situation in my area I was just about wrapping my head around the fact they need to live at home for another 4 years but I absolutely will not 'mother' my young adult children.

Hard agree.

Blaming young people for not being mature and independent while taking away opportunities for them to develop that maturity is unfair.

My country has the lowest average age for moving out of the parental home, 21 years old, and children are definitely raised to be more independent here than in the UK but I think the bigger factor is that its much easier to move out at a younger age here - university is free and you get a grant, can rent at an affordable price plus housing benefit. Its not uncommon to move out at 16 to go to a school somewhere else, and rent a subsidised apartment (or even free - my vocational school had free housing for students that lived too far away to commute) and when you live by yourself during term time you're more likely to want to carry on living independently once you're done with your education.

‘The fault lies entirely with women’ - good old fashioned misogyny hasn’t gone anywhere I see 🙄

I think you're conflating two different issues. Parents allowing their adult children to stay on in the family home and benefitting from parenting 'services' like meals, laundry etc, and young adults who refuse to work, live small typically online lives, and are, or claim to be, depressed. The second is a problem and parents should try to resolve, not enable. However I don't think its a problem caused by the first, as many 20 somethings living at home are working hard in good careers and living full social lives. If their parents want to carry on doing the drudge work so they get a few extra years before being burdened with it the rest of their lives, I don't see a problem tbh.

Remember stuff and organise things 🤣 I have to release his student loan incrementally to help him budget. I sometimes have to use iPhone alerts to get him up. Then things like remind him when he needs new contact lenses, nag him to book driving lessons, mentor sessions etc, if i know he has a lot on I end up checking in most days to make sure he’s not starting to sink. I can’t really articulate all of it. I’m like a remote PA I suppose.

How many posters on MN think it is horrendous to charge the adult DC rent if they live at home? I had to pay 'keep' when I lived at home, nothing like market rent but it contributed to household expenses.

I think there is definitely a middle ground between never letting your teenager being independent and kicking them out at 18. But OP seems to think university is a bad thing and special needs are exaggerated.

I will parent my children always. My mother was very stand on your own feet and I left home at 18 to go to Uni. Never moved back in after Uni as she didn’t want me to. Yes I had the skills but emotional I’ve spent years in therpy unpacking how I don’t feel loved and never good enough.

My children are told daily how much I love them but they help around the house. My 7 year old can make toast / crumpets / fried egg etc. can unload the dishwasher and reload it.

I definitely parent my children more than my parents. They aren’t left outside all day to play, fed freezer meals (while my parents got other food) and get told I love them all the time.

I am very happy to parent my children more than I was 🥰

Oh yes @TempestTost that post is spot on! Basically the poster is saying younger teens crave freedom and responsibility and we don't give it to them and by the time we expect it the window has closed and they are dependent.

"What I find odd these days, is the number of parents on MN claiming their DC are ND (ADHD is the popular one at the moment), have MH which is the school/college/uni/State's job to sort out.

It really isn't. CAMHS waiting list is so long because no system can cope with the number of young people (and their parents) who can't accept that life is hard but you've got to sort it out for yourself."

Please take a look at the suicide rate for people with ADHD before writing things like this.

The list is so long because the ADHD attributes (many of which were an advantage in the past) aren't suited to life in a huge population where you can't even work as a ditch digger without being able to read and write.

i think ‘too long parenting’ is the wrong phraseology. I think many spend too long infantilising.
My 10 year old exceeds a lot of the descriptions of young adults on here. It’s really sad to see - but if you find yourself fixing your grown up child’s every problem and tidying up after them it’s not over parenting or over caring, it’s definitely infantilising and enabling.

I disagree. Its always been hard, especially since teens are typically low earners. I left home at 18 and it was one of the hardest financial situations I've ever been in. It's never been easy, and ime not even particularly easier. Rent and council tax was even then a hell of a stretch on their own and was the vast majority of my wage.

I suspect you don't have older kids yourself.

I would have agreed with you until about a year ago- now I'm less ignorant.

My now 19 year son son applied for endless jobs in his gap year last year and, honestly, it was soul destroying for him for months
Not even knock backs, just ignored.
And this has happened time and again with other friends' perfectly capable older children
Obviously we can't magic up jobs but it's pretty dim to suggest that just because you did it, so should they.
I left home at 16- very immature but held down a job and a tenancy - whoopy do- I can see how vastly different it was for me then than it is for older teens/young adults now
Eventually my son got a job and now he's doing great but that was so lucky- if he'd failed to get that one job he'd probably still be unemployed.
He's taking a second gap year as the first was mostly a damp squib.
He's working his arse off to ensure he has money for university next year and that he can fund some travelling this year. His job's with a great company and he can transfer it to his university town.
His life and prospects are immeasurably better than they were a year ago and all thanks to this one job.
He's since managed to help a friend get a job at his workplace and is doing the same with another. Will also do all he can to help his sister! So all those kids' lives will have vastly improved.
So much of this is sheer luck and opportunity.

My wee one is 10 also and I've definitely learned how I don't want to parent her. My brother and I were raised by the same parents but very, very differently and I can see that in both our own approaches to parenting. But also I had a conversation with some people not long ago and none of their teenagers do housework. Not even the ones who are 18/19. No chores, never had, weren't asked to, had everything done for them. I feel like in some ways kids have it so much harder but in other ways we're keeping them helpless and actively making it harder. I think there's a lot to be said for encouraging responsibility and independence. Just not going too far the other way!

Honestly I'd have to say I agree with this. I've 2 DC with SEN and they are more independent than some of their neurotypical peers. We've scaffolded them of course, but never assumed their diagnoses meant they couldn't do things, just that they'd maybe have to do things a bit differently or learn differently.

A friend whose kids are neurotypical was horrified that I'd "let" DS19 choose a uni in London (we're in Scotland) and said she'd never let her kids go as far away as London, she'd be worried sick and would never sleep a wink - totally forgetting that at university age, they're no longer bairns, they're adults! That's the course he wanted - one of the best in the UK for his subject. Why would we, as his parents, want to hold him back for the sake of our own comfort? Baffles me.

My son didn't go to university after a levels as he didn't really know what he wanted to do. We were very firm with him in that he was either in education or working, but that we were not supporting him to do nothing. He chose to work, paid us bed and board and left home at 19 to live in a flat share with 3 of his friends. He cooked and cleaned when he was at home and he was used to paying us rent so it wasn't a big shock for him when he left.

He is totally and completely independent, but still calls and visits us every week, he still asks us for advice about work and life, we are still his parents, but do not actively parent him. Our relationship has moved on and whilst we are all family we are also independent of each other.

I would not have it any other way, I see it as being totally normal. I think a lot of people baby their kids for far longer than is natural and kids don't have the confidence or life skills to cope with life, when you add in the job situation and living costs, it's no wonder they struggle. Parenting seems to have swung from benign neglect to helicopter parenting on steroids, there should surely be some middle ground.

Many posters are so right - life is much more challenging for young people now.

However, I agree with @Whatafustercluck . We're not doing enough parenting to prepare children for these challenges. Communication skills are poor. Resilience is poor. Life skills are lacking. I'm an employer. We'll advertise a Monday to Friday 9-5 location based job with higher than average pay and most of the younger interviewees will ask about home working, flexible working, can they bring their dog to work, a late start on a Thursday because mum does nightshift on a Wednesday so won't be home on time to wake them up .... before they even get round to showing any real interest in the role. (And a recent phenomenon is parents calling to ask why their child didn't get the job they were OBVIOUSLY perfect for)

I know several 18 - 20 year olds who have had jobs they left after a few weeks because they didn't like it - working in a bakery but not allowed to have their phone with them, a call centre role but their social anxiety meant they couldn't talk to customers, retail but too tiring having to load boxes. I've also had young relatives ask me for advice about the "bullying" they are experiencing at work - when I ask them to explain the nature of the bullying it's really just being told what to do...

Are we scared of saying no to our children? Are we making life too easy for them which means they can't cope when they have to go out there and live? Yes, it's tough but we're doing our kids no favours by not giving them the skills to cope.

I suspect you don't have older kids yourself.

I would have agreed with you until about a year ago- now I'm less ignorant.

This.

Do you have children OP?

If so, how old are they?

My DS is 20. He's at uni, has a part-time job, has a grad job lined up, and overall is independent and doing well.

But none of this has come easy, and I've provided a lot of help, support and guidance every step of the way. I'll continue to do this because I love him and want the best for him.

My mum still gives me help and support and I'm nearly 50!

There's a happy middle ground, as with everything in life.

Perhaps some parent go over the top and infantilise now, but perhaps that's because they suffered from withdrawal of parenting too soon as some parents in the past were a fucking nightmare and kicked kids out in their teens whether or not they had the means or skills to be financially independent, and also didn't care enough what happened to them.

Also, good luck with them getting through university without parental financial support. It's build into the system that parents are expected to fund them. In the 1990s when I went we'd just been through a huge recession, my mum had lost her business and we nearly lost our house. They could only afford to give me a few quid here and there but it didn't matter because I had a grant, a loan and a part time job. My DDs have both worked part time from 16 as well but jobs are not always easy to find.

DD1 lucked out turning 16 in 2021 getting a job in a restaurant chain when it was much easier just as everything opened up again and lots of places needed staff, fast. Then she put in a word for her sister and basically got her a trial shift, now DD2 works there too, so we were lucky. They are both conscientious, presentable and reliable, which goes a long way. DD2 does have ADHD and ASD though and has overcome huge anxiety.

Exactly. This a typical MN thread with very rigid, binary right/wrong thinking and lots of posters showing off their "excellent" parenting which is the only possible way of doing things.

In reality, it's a grey area, no one way of parenting is perfect, kids & families are all different & lots of this thread is based on over generalised "hearsay" or extreme examples being touted as the norm.

What do you know about it? You didn't even know how many there were, how can you POSSIBLY know that there's too many?