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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are these red flags?

253 replies

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 08:03

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

OP posts:
Original poster
90yomakeuproom · 19/10/2025 23:20

pinkstripeycat · 19/10/2025 22:31

Is this a joke? 10 years! Doesn’t matter what it’s for. If it’s 10yrs it’s BAD! No one is that daft surely OP! You do realise murder is only 15yrs don’t you?

I didn't say he was in prison for ten years, I said it was ten years ago.

OP posts:
TeethAreImportant · 19/10/2025 23:38

THIS.

TeethAreImportant · 19/10/2025 23:41

What if somebody has changed their name?

TeethAreImportant · 19/10/2025 23:43

Nobody falls in love faster than a man who doesn't have his own home.

Shoulderscuff · 20/10/2025 08:16

TeethAreImportant · 19/10/2025 23:43

Nobody falls in love faster than a man who doesn't have his own home.

So true.

Via love bombing
Future faking.
And then the sudden housing crisis to force your hand.

Then you are screwed. They are so difficult to get out.

hididdlyho · 20/10/2025 08:21

I wouldn't date someone who'd been in prison. If his conviction was for armed robbery, I'd imagine it will be very difficult for him to find legitimate employment. Sounds like he will be a cocklodger and likely an abusive one at that.

Whatwouldnanado · 20/10/2025 08:45

Run. You deserve better.

Planesmistakenforstars · 20/10/2025 09:19

I have a feeling that the next few weeks may turn nasty.

You mean because you're going to end it with him? Seriously OP, if you think he's going to turn nasty then just think of what kind of person you know he is deep down. If you knew he was a decent man, you might be worried about him being hurt, but you would not be worrying about what he might visit on you for ending a relationship. And whatever nasty he's going to be now, would be nothing compared to when he's moved into your home and you're trapped.

EverybodyLTB · 20/10/2025 10:31

90yomakeuproom · 19/10/2025 23:20

I didn't say he was in prison for ten years, I said it was ten years ago.

Show quote history

You’re right, he sounds lovely!

user1470508354 · 21/10/2025 17:08

Not just one red flag but a whole flagpole full of them! Your instincts are telling you this guy is no good, so trust them.

Original poster
90yomakeuproom · 21/10/2025 20:13

Thank you everyone. This thread has helped me massively. As many of you have spotted, I already knew the answer to my own question really. I just wanted some moral support and a thread that I can keep reading back when times get hard. Thank you all. You don't realise how helpful you've all been.

OP posts:
Bemused89 · 21/10/2025 23:44

The sanest person in the whole story is frankly the "crazy" ex. Run. Run fast. Run far.

Original poster
90yomakeuproom · 25/10/2025 08:18

You all won't be surprised that things have turned nasty. A cycle of abuse, apologies, love bombing again and promises. I know it's all manipulation but god it messes with emotions. Has anyone been in this situation?

OP posts:
crispycrust · 25/10/2025 08:35

Install a call recorder on your phone
Install Otter Voice Notes to record him in person - I really hope you aren't still seeing him?
Get a restraining order.
Contact Women's Aid ask about Freedom Programme.

Shoulderscuff · 25/10/2025 08:43

Report him to 101 as being abusive.

Mangetoutmangetouti · 25/10/2025 08:46

90yomakeuproom · 25/10/2025 08:18

You all won't be surprised that things have turned nasty. A cycle of abuse, apologies, love bombing again and promises. I know it's all manipulation but god it messes with emotions. Has anyone been in this situation?

What happened? End it now, your posts are a diary of events in a very predictable timeline. You haven’t been together long enough to, you can save yourself further heartache by reading this thread and believing your gut.
our instincts are there to keep us alive

Lurleenlumpkin79 · 25/10/2025 08:53

Haven't you blocked him? Sounds like you're still engaging with him somehow? You need to completely cut him off from everything, phone, social media, email etc.

TwistedWonder · 25/10/2025 08:55

90yomakeuproom · 25/10/2025 08:18

You all won't be surprised that things have turned nasty. A cycle of abuse, apologies, love bombing again and promises. I know it's all manipulation but god it messes with emotions. Has anyone been in this situation?

So you’ve continued seeing him? Why? You’ve had so much good advice and there is absolutely nothing positive about him so why waste time in such a toxic cycle?

WLnamechange · 25/10/2025 09:08

Report him to the police if you haven't already.

DaisyChain505 · 25/10/2025 09:39

Stop taking his calls and replying to his messages.

Block his number.

Remove and block him on all social media.

If you don’t have a ring doorbell, get one.

Make sure you keep doors locked at all times.

Mealy82 · 25/10/2025 10:11

90yomakeuproom · 25/10/2025 08:18

You all won't be surprised that things have turned nasty. A cycle of abuse, apologies, love bombing again and promises. I know it's all manipulation but god it messes with emotions. Has anyone been in this situation?

Yes - most people who've been in a relationship.

What do you mean by abuse? Everyone seems to be assuming he's doing something illegal. Is that right?

Merryoldgoat · 25/10/2025 10:26

90yomakeuproom · 25/10/2025 08:18

You all won't be surprised that things have turned nasty. A cycle of abuse, apologies, love bombing again and promises. I know it's all manipulation but god it messes with emotions. Has anyone been in this situation?

Please OP - please get rid of him.

I’m so sick of these shitty men. I wish we could just start humanity again some days.

MasterBeth · 25/10/2025 10:27

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 08:03

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

Run! Run! Run!!!

Original poster
90yomakeuproom · 31/10/2025 10:05

I'm finding it hard not to check he's ok today... Can you all please talk me down. Don't know why.

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 31/10/2025 10:15

You are finding it hard because you are a good, decent person who cares about other people. On the other hand, he is an arsehole and he doesn't deserve someone like you. If you contact him he will reel you back in, he will be an expert at that. And you will then have to do all this emotional work over again to get back to this point. And possibly put yourself in danger.