Page 7 | Are these red flags?

BrickBiscuit · 18/10/2025 18:06

Dippythedino · 18/10/2025 16:02

Do the online or in person freedom programme to recognise red flags & ddvelop boundaries. You can't be that desperate for a shag that you're willing to lower your standards & put yourself in potential danger.

Speaking of shagging: don't let him get you pregnant while you're working out what do do, OP.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 18/10/2025 18:09

FGS woman, you know!!!🙄

LancashireButterPie · 18/10/2025 18:10

I honestly thought your Red flag was going to be that he didn't get on with his Mum or was into MAMIL cycling.
The only prison sentences I could overlook would be some youthful protest (climate etc) or taking revenge on someone who had attacked his sister or similar.
I hate drugs but think alcohol is even harder to kick.
You can do better.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/10/2025 18:21

He's very caring but intense, says he'll put me before anyone else and I thought that was a good thing but maybe that's another red flag

Why would he put you before anyone else when he barely knows you? Does he seriously have no one else in his life?

Intense is a major red flag early on. The vast majority of normal men are not intense early on. Plus they are busy with their own lives, jobs, friends and hobbies. It sounds like he has NOTHING Going for him RIGHT NOW.

When you add that on top of the other issues, just honestly why bother. He seen you coming a mile off.

At best, hes a loser who will leach off you. At worst, hes incredibly dangerous.

Watch "Until I kill you" and "Murdered by my boyfriend". Not saying hes going to be a murderer but just watch how these men reel vulnerable women in.

Original poster

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 18:41

NaeRolls · 18/10/2025 17:21

Hi OP, of course I haven't met him so I don't know, and I'm not a psychologist either, but I have experience with a narcissistic/sociopathic boyfriend and I just want to say well done for questioning what might be red flags.

He reeled me in when I was in a very vulnerable time in my life, self-worth on the floor, and love-bombed me. Within a year he had chipped away at my self-esteem even more with gaslighting, veiled insults, sexual coercion, etc. I didn't know anything about narcissism, but I was on YouTube one day and this lady's channel came up and I binge-watched all of the red flag videos, and by the next day I knew what I was dealing with and making plans to leave.

My life is completely different now, I'm happy and have a loving, respectful, supportive husband.

The experience was horrible and it could have been much worse (these types of men are dangerous), but I did learn a lot and it spurred me into working on why I had such low self-esteem and why I allowed people like this into my life, and now I have more self-knowledge and self-respect, which are priceless.

Have a watch of these videos and see if it applies to him and to you. Listen to your gut. I promise you there are more stable, safe, wonderful men out there and you deserve one, even if you don't feel like it right now. Don't settle for less like I did. Yes, I got out and things got better, but in that short time with this man I became a shadow of my former self, I developed auto-immune illness and put on 20 kg - these people are toxic, literally!

This one made me cry. Thank you for being so lovely and sending such a useful message. I am really grateful.

OP posts:

Lurleenlumpkin79 · 18/10/2025 18:50

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 18:41

This one made me cry. Thank you for being so lovely and sending such a useful message. I am really grateful.

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So listen to people on here. He's got more red flags than a Russian communist parade. I told my story on here, not just for you but for any young woman who might be considering getting in to something with a dangerous man. If you see the signs pay attention!

My other ex by the way out of the 2 violent ones, ended up stabbing a woman (she lived fortunately) and went to prison for it. He's back out of prison now and "on the market."

Uricon2 · 18/10/2025 19:09

This guy was not Mandela on Robben Island @90yomakeuproom . He's got a nasty, violent history, badmouths his exes and has very recent alcohol and drug problems (which I imagine are probably ongoing)

Do better for yourself, there really are other men who are not this toxic.

Bananalanacake · 18/10/2025 19:11

Is he at least looking for a job or just expecting to others to provide for him the rest of his life?
I'm the type of person to get up and walk off when I hear a man doesn't work, they would end up being a freeloader.
If you insist on still seeing him make it very clear you will not be moving in with him until he's held down a secure job for at least two years.

Cucy · 18/10/2025 19:13

I don’t think you should do a Claire’s law request because honestly what’s the point.

Him being violent or abusive isn’t the issue.
If that’s your bar then that’s a huge concern.

He might not have one violent bone in his body, it still doesn’t mean he’d make a good partner right now.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 18/10/2025 19:17

Cucy · 18/10/2025 19:13

I don’t think you should do a Claire’s law request because honestly what’s the point.

Him being violent or abusive isn’t the issue.
If that’s your bar then that’s a huge concern.

He might not have one violent bone in his body, it still doesn’t mean he’d make a good partner right now.

Armed robber and assault but might not have a violent bone in his body….

🙄

SumUp · 18/10/2025 19:18

I would end it now. You are worth more. I think you’ve had some great advice. 💐

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 18/10/2025 19:27

@90yomakeuproom You are a catch. He needs throwing away.

Build up your confidence before dating someone else.

WatchingTheDetective · 18/10/2025 19:51

I'm sure you are an amazing woman, OP (you certainly come across as someone who's bright, friendly and intelligent) but I think what this man has seen in you - and will see in all women - is someone attractive enough to have sex with and who has her own home (somewhere for him to live without paying any bills because you pay them anyway so why should he give you anything?) and a job so that you can buy him food, clothes, alcohol and drugs, and who is out of the house (or locked in a bedroom WFH) all day so that he can lie in bed, chat to other girls, buy his drugs, bring his mates around and make a mess of your kitchen. If you complained about any of those things he'd tell you were insane (like his previous girlfriends) and selfish and greedy, and that's why he's having sex with other women and that's why he's taking drugs and drinking all the time, to cope with living with you.

You would take years to recover, both financially (he will bleed you dry) and emotionally (you will believe what he tells you about how unreasonable you are) and physically (as the chance of him hitting you is probably standing at about 99%).

Put yourself first. Get rid of this man tonight. And get yourself tested for STIs, too.

Cucy · 18/10/2025 19:57

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 18/10/2025 19:17

Armed robber and assault but might not have a violent bone in his body….

🙄

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Completely missing the point 🙄

Mangetoutmangetouti · 18/10/2025 20:43

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 10:29

We met at a party at his house actually. We have been out for food, coffee, movie nights at his house. Yes he's talked a lot about the future and what he wants. All of it includes me.

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Was the party at his house, did you say he lives there with his parents? What kind of party/ occasion? What’s his friends and family like?
(Nosy and trying to build a picture in my mind)

Changeforthis79 · 18/10/2025 21:21

Cucy · 18/10/2025 19:57

Completely missing the point 🙄

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She's being sarcastic

Clarabell77 · 18/10/2025 21:23

I’ve said YABU because you’re even considering it. Sounds like a loser.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 18/10/2025 22:23

Not only are they red flags, you've not said anything good, what are his green flags? What do you really like about him? Other than "hopefully he's changed and therefore isn't a criminal with drug and alcohol issues right now".
You deserve so much more than him, even if he has changed. I don't think he has though. Look for someone who adores you, who makes you laugh, who you love spending time with and who also speaks pleasantly of his past, has no convictions and doesn't have any addictions. Someone who you speak highly of and admire. Not someone who you really hope scrapes by with the minimum of "the red flags might actually only be amber ones"

TessSaysYes · 18/10/2025 22:33

First off I'd figure out how desperate for a man I was...and take it from there. Good luck, and be careful.

Pherian · 18/10/2025 23:00

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 08:03

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

If it doesn’t feel right - walk away.

JohnTheRevelator · 18/10/2025 23:26

I would always be cautious about dating a man who slags off his exes.

Original poster

90yomakeuproom · 19/10/2025 07:51

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 18/10/2025 22:23

Not only are they red flags, you've not said anything good, what are his green flags? What do you really like about him? Other than "hopefully he's changed and therefore isn't a criminal with drug and alcohol issues right now".
You deserve so much more than him, even if he has changed. I don't think he has though. Look for someone who adores you, who makes you laugh, who you love spending time with and who also speaks pleasantly of his past, has no convictions and doesn't have any addictions. Someone who you speak highly of and admire. Not someone who you really hope scrapes by with the minimum of "the red flags might actually only be amber ones"

That's why it's difficult, he does adore me, makes me laugh and I love spending time with him. He's very caring and thoughtful, he remembers every little detail I tell him about my life and he is really supportive and appreciative.

OP posts:

PloddingAlong21 · 19/10/2025 07:55

Run in the other direction and don’t look back.

He has been in prison and you don’t know why. Not wanting to talk about it isn’t an acceptable answer. He has alcohol and drug issues. He has no job. How is he funding his expensive lifestyle of booze and drugs? What is he doing all day? He isn’t employable due to criminal past and being drunk/high - who is funding your future OP…..you! What future is feasible when he has no money or prospects? How can you have kids (if that’s on your wishlist) with an unemployed person with no income? Why is he still speaking negative about his ex? Why is she even part of the picture?

Raise your standards and your own self worth.

DaisyChain505 · 19/10/2025 08:00

90yomakeuproom · 19/10/2025 07:51

That's why it's difficult, he does adore me, makes me laugh and I love spending time with him. He's very caring and thoughtful, he remembers every little detail I tell him about my life and he is really supportive and appreciative.

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You’ve literally described the bare minimum a partner should be offering you. These things should come as standard. You don’t have to accept the first substance abusing criminal who has nothing going for him just because he’s showing you positive attention.

There will be plenty of actually decent men out there who can offer this too.

Original poster

90yomakeuproom · 19/10/2025 08:09

My previous post doesn't mean I'm ignoring everyone's advice by the way, I was just explaining what the good points are.

I really appreciate everyone's advice and reading back on this thread is helping me to stick to my decision which is to move on even though it feels difficult right now because there's feelings involved. I'm going to look into the freedom programme and the books suggested - thank you for those.

I have a feeling that the next few weeks may turn nasty.

OP posts: