Are these red flags?

[90yomakeuproom]

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

The best and most important relationship you will have in your life is with yourself.

Work on that one before you even entertain dating.

Love yourself so much that your standards are set high and this guy wouldn’t even be on your radar.

ask yourself- what do YOU want in a partner? Given his history and general screaming red flags that you are already smart enough to realise (but just don’t trust yourself enough you have to ask us) , how do you realistically see this picture in 5 years for now if you continue?

People with drug and alcohol histories ‘until recently’ haven’t cleaned up. He uses these substances as he isn’t capable of dealing with his own issues. So he uses substances rather than healthy coping skills to resolve problems. So what do you think will happen if you stay with this guy and you run into difficult times as is inevitable in any relationship?

I don’t know what caused your lack of self worth but I’m sure you deserve a lot more than you think. And definitely more than this. Stand up.
please. You don’t have to sit in the mud. You can choose to take a step today to vote for yourself.

What do you need to do to take a step towards a you that can start to love you?

Don’t continue this. Spend time dealing with your own issues first. Then you will find a quality partner. Someone you really deserve and a happier healthier life.

I have a feeling that the next few weeks may turn nasty.

This is so telling. You know he's a bad person. Please listen to your gut.

If he could turn nasty now then what would he be like on a couple of years?

In simple terms I want someone who makes me happy. If this relationship continued then in 5 years I'd be hoping he was clean, had a job, car, was financially contributing, no arguments or disagreements - seems like the complete opposite of the current reality which says it all.

In difficult times, I'm pretty sure he'd go back to alcohol and drugs.

I don't really know what has caused my lack of self worth. I've had a nice childhood, no major trauma or anything. My previous relationship was with someone very very different who most people would like to take home to their mum.

Was there just something missing emotionally in your family? Were your emotional needs met? Was there a lack of connection?

Did your last partner subtly chip away at your self esteem?

Are your friendships good quality? Do you have genuine, warm, trusting relationships or frenemies?

NB - Speaking from my own experience which has led me to dark places.

You say you want someone who can make you happy. You shouldn’t be depending on someone to make you happy. Yes a partner can contribute to your happiness but there is so much more you should be wanting as the bare minimum from a partner.

Someone who is stable in their own life. (Has a job, is good with their money, owns a home or lives independently)

Someone who you could envision being the other parent to your children (whether you actually want kids is irrelevant) but asking yourself, would this man be a good standard for a father makes you take a deep look at them on the whole.

Someone who is emotionally intelligent and able to communicate.

Depending on someone else for your happiness is unhealthy and will lead you to stay with people who aren’t good for you and could be using you as they can see that by saying a few nice words that they can manipulate you and get away with murder.

People rarely change Op. Some do if really motivated. But this man is more or less unemployable, and is such a poor bet for you. Or anyone TBH .

And addiction is incredibly hard to beat. Sounds like he’s still in the grip of it

Kindly, he sees you as a life raft. So is feeding you any lines he thinks will work on you.

All he is offering you is misery. Run. Don’t look back.

Google lovebombing - it’s all part of the game to reel you in before you see his true colours. …
it’s a dangerous game you’re playing, you’re not the woman who will save him and turn his life around - you know deep down that this guy is no good for you. Don’t hang around - run.

He’s been open and honest about the prison experience and I wouldn’t necessarily disregard someone for this, particularly for a low level crime when they were young and impressionable. The drugs is a red flag, mostly because he’s only recently overcome the addiction. Addiction is complex and managing relationships with addicts can be incredibly testing, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Slating his ex GF, particularly in combo with the recent addiction woes is a major red flag and I would jump ship.

To start something up in the hope that your partner becomes a completely different person is, frankly, madness. You’ll ruin yourself trying to make him better OP, and with little hope of that being possible. Find someone that is where you need them to be now. There’s no romance in desperately moulding someone into the person you need them to be, you’ll be drained and resentful even IF (and it’s a massive IF) he changes. Someone who’s spent years in prison, jobless, and on drugs, has a terrible foundation for progress. Don’t romanticise the situation and convince yourself people can magically turn it all around / this is statistically so improbable and you’re already questioning red flags and saying he’s potentially going to turn nasty.

He’s never been normal. How can he find a pathway there to normality and stability? It’s like someone with no map, who’s never had access to a map, can’t read maps, and has no money or car, to make their way by road to India. He has no base skills. And is violent and addicted. 2-3 months is still addicted.

I'm really not sure what he was in prison for, it's very vague but I think it was to do with armed robbery and assault but not 100% sure as he says he doesn't want to talk about it.

I believe that someone who was truly rehabilitated from a criminal past would be willing to be open with the person they want a long term relationship with.

Of course he remembers every little detail you tell him. He has fuck all else to do!

He doesn’t have to remember to pay the gas bill or deal with the stress of an emotionally difficult job or worry about when his car needs MOTing. So he has the brain space to remember that you love strawberries but hate raspberries. Personally I would rather date someone who pays his own gas bill though.

Anyone in prison for armed robbery is a giant red flag. He must have connections to armed gangs, he could have killed someone if it had “gone wrong”. End this now before you get in too deep.

You're just stuck in his dicksand. Break it off and in a few weeks the feelings will pass and you'll see what a terrible mistake you almost made choosing him.
He will probably go batshit and reveal his true colours. All you need to do is hold firm and reject any of his advances and contact.
If I were you I'd go down the "it's not you, it's me" angle and that you're not ready for a relationship and want to be single. I can't imagine this guy is going to handle rejection well.

I have a feeling that the next few weeks may turn nasty.

In difficult times, I'm pretty sure he'd go back to alcohol and drugs.

I actually can’t believe what I’m reading!

I completely believe that most people can change and I do not believe in judging someone for falling on hard times.

But you admit that you think he’d go back to drugs and alcohol and get nasty and you were still questioning whether you should be with him.

Honestly, that is so scary how little self respect you have for yourself.

There are millions of men out there and you choose one that you think is nasty and an addict.

I wouldn’t even have a dog in my house that was aggressive, let alone a grown adult that I shared my bed and feelings with and potentially could get pregnant with.

Bloody hell OP.
You need to stay single for a good 12 months and work on your self esteem and then only date someone who is good for you.

Just typing his name into Google may not bring much up. However, have you tried typing his name into the search bar on your local newspapers website? Often, that brings up 'In the Court' information. However, given he was in prison 10 years ago, nothing may not materialise. All of what you've said are red flags. Someone who's had issues with drugs and alcohol until 'fairly recently' is someone to keep out of your life. We have a drug/alcohol addict in my husband's extended family, and he is clean for a while - sometimes several years - and then the destructive cycle starts up again. He's been in rehab 3 times
In the 17 years I've known my husband.

Yes, that's what cults, fraudsters and domestic abusers do to make it difficult. Before they turn nasty.

You are making the classic mistake of looking at what his "potential" may be, rather than the reality of who he actually is.

You can make up any potential you like and could hope for.

But the reality is he is a former druggy who has done time.
This is who he is.
He's not changing.

My partner had just come out of prison when we met. 11 years and 2 kids later he hasn’t been in trouble since.

Oooo judgey. That was my partner 11 years ago. A man will change for the right woman.

Could have but didn’t.

you need to be honest with yourself and others that your story is rare though. Happy for you and your family but this isn’t the norm for a lot of people and you should be careful of giving false hope to people who have genuine concerns but really want to believe it will be ok.
not everyone has the capacity to ‘change for the right woman’ and many women have been rt and caught out by having these hopes, some seriously hurt in lots of ways, not just emotionally

Congratulations. But allow me to fix your post: A man will occasionally change for the right woman but more often than not won't.

What was he in prison for?

Is this a joke? 10 years! Doesn’t matter what it’s for. If it’s 10yrs it’s BAD! No one is that daft surely OP! You do realise murder is only 15yrs don’t you?