Are these red flags?

[90yomakeuproom]

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

Guaranteed his family have told him to move out.

Run don't walk OP.
He is not for you. Raise your standards - you are a successful woman - you don't need some deadbeat ex-con to drag you down and suck the life and probably your cash out of you. Despite how lovely he may seem including you in his plans for the future - don't do it!

Him being in jail is a massive thing so the fact he is skirting around telling you details means 1) the truth will put you off him; 2) he’s not taking full accountability for his actions; 3) his claims of seeing a future with you can’t possibly be truthful given you don’t know the real him and he’s fully aware of this; 4) armed robbery is extremely serious and shows a disposition for violence that you don’t just shrug off with a few sessions chatting with a prison counsellor.

What’s he actually done to show he’s turned his life around? Are they the same friends that he used to get in trouble with? Why is his identity and past not online? Has he changed his name?

Simply put, he’s an addict, an ex-convict and seemingly an armed robber. Dating him would come from a position of wanting to see the best in him and trusting he’s changed. Given that he slates his ex and won’t come clean about his behaviour it’s highly unlikely he’s a reformed man you can trust to enhance your life and not introduce new grief and stress. You sound a bit vulnerable op but dodo like you’re doing well for yourself independently. If you were my friend I’d worry that this man will undo that and take from you without adding to your happiness.

*also, not dodo!

Bet he will have a housing crisis soon.
His type are always looking to leach off someone.

He may well turn up looking for somewhere to stay, blaming others.

Get out of his way asap, while you can.

Suggest you submit a Clare's Law and Sarah's law request if you plan to stay with him. However agree with others - he sounds like a complete loser.

Prison wouldn’t bother me, depending on what is was obviously - we all make mistakes and believe people can change.

But no way would I get involved with anyone with recent drug or alcohol issues.
This will affect literally everything and it doesn’t just go away.

I do not believe in judging people because many of us have been on our arse before.
I have been a single, teenage parent living in a hostel with no job - I cannot judge anyone.

But I stayed single because I needed to put my energy and time into my child and improving our circumstances.

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone like this man.

If he’s genuinely trying to get work and stay clean then remain friends and see how he is in 6 months time.

But you need someone on your level.
If you have a job, don’t take drugs etc then you deserve someone the same.

Don’t lower yourself just because he is nice to you.
Lots of men are nice (especially in the beginning).

Well of course he wants a future with you, you probably have a job, car and house he can move into.

Yikes! You don’t need us to tell you what to do - you know!! Trust yourself and find someone who deserves you.

Of course it involves you OP. You have not got running shoes on.

Take care detaching. These types can be nasty as hell when you staert to extricate yourself.

To be fair my best friend went to prison at age 17 where he became addicted to heroin. He doesn’t talk shit about his exes though, although they might not all be super complimentary about him!

He is a good person though.

🚩

asking 'are these red flags' it's in itself a red flag.

OP you do not know what he was in jail for and are asking about having/continuing a relationship with this man?
What do YOU think?
Even if he isn't an axe murderer why take the chance?
Aside from that your whole happiness or even just your peace of mind could be permanently threatened with you possibly losing your home, job, savings, friends - everything in the future because of him.

OP for your information, AA advise their members to not date until they have been sober for an entire year. That's the bare minimum amount of time it takes to rebuild a life without alcohol. So you should take that advice and if you want to consider dating an ex alcoholic, wait until they have been fully sober for at least a year before considering going on a first date.

Come on, OP! Is this the sort of man you think you deserve? Would you want your daughter to date him?

Hi OP, of course I haven't met him so I don't know, and I'm not a psychologist either, but I have experience with a narcissistic/sociopathic boyfriend and I just want to say well done for questioning what might be red flags.

He reeled me in when I was in a very vulnerable time in my life, self-worth on the floor, and love-bombed me. Within a year he had chipped away at my self-esteem even more with gaslighting, veiled insults, sexual coercion, etc. I didn't know anything about narcissism, but I was on YouTube one day and this lady's channel came up and I binge-watched all of the red flag videos, and by the next day I knew what I was dealing with and making plans to leave.

My life is completely different now, I'm happy and have a loving, respectful, supportive husband.

The experience was horrible and it could have been much worse (these types of men are dangerous), but I did learn a lot and it spurred me into working on why I had such low self-esteem and why I allowed people like this into my life, and now I have more self-knowledge and self-respect, which are priceless.

Have a watch of these videos and see if it applies to him and to you. Listen to your gut. I promise you there are more stable, safe, wonderful men out there and you deserve one, even if you don't feel like it right now. Don't settle for less like I did. Yes, I got out and things got better, but in that short time with this man I became a shadow of my former self, I developed auto-immune illness and put on 20 kg - these people are toxic, literally!

The alcohol and drug use is as recent as about 2/3 months ago.

He’s an addict who was in prison for a long time, possibly for armed robbery. Nothing good will come of this. End it and find someone much, much better.

Hey OP - well done for spotting multiple red flags,🚩 your intuition is in tact - just don’t over ride it !!!

prison, substance miss use, vagueness, slagging off the ex, love bombing, homelessness

omg he ticks a lot of boxes - bad ones !!
if you really need convincing to run a mile, do a ‘Claire’s Law’ ….. 👍

Fuck no. They are more than red flags they biohazard signs.

Oh FFS if you were my sister I would beg you never to have contact with this gem again. Run for the hills now!!!!!!

He may be using an alias. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

I'm a little confused by the poll. 😆 Which is the response for thinking the OP should run a mile? (I clicked on YABU, but I think I might've misunderstood??)

You shouldn't have to google why he was in prison; he should fully disclose whatever it was to you (assuming he also feels that this could be more than a very casual relationship) and my response to it would depend on the original crime. Is he a journalist locked up because he refused to reveal his sources? A whistleblower who disclosed high-level classified information? Was he wrongfully convicted? Did he make one mistake and has now atoned for it? Have you asked him about it?

"Very recent" is too recent for alcohol and drug recovery IMO; it's recommended to avoid serious relationships during recovery and I would say that includes a post-recovery period of at least a few years. And I'd want to know if "drugs" included something illegal versus, say, getting addicted to prescribed painkillers.

If it's too soon to tell you about prison, it's too soon to tell you about his past relationships. But I'd look at HOW he speaks about his ex. If she, for example, cheated on him or stole his life savings or something, nothing wrong with describing that as part of telling you his life story. But if he's blaming her for everything or making misogynistic comments about her, that's a big red flag.

Better to be alone than to settle for a loser. Never settle.