Are these red flags?

[90yomakeuproom]

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

Respectfully, I don’t think it is because the OP is a ‘good, decent person who cares about other people ’.

She may well be all those things, but the reason she is feeling compelled to get in contact with a drug and alcohol-abusing, unemployed, penniless ex-con who has subjected her to a cycle of what she describes as ‘abuse, apologies, love bombing and promises’ is because a deeply unhealthy, self-damaging impulse in her, connected to the low self-esteem that made her enter into this relationship in the first place, is urging it.

OP, resist the impulse to contact him in the same way you would resist going back to heroin or a domestic violence relationship. It’s not a kind impulse, it’s a self-sabotaging one. It’s completely irrelevant whether he’s fine or not. He’s not your project to solve. Focus on you. Delete his number. Make it impossible for you to contact him or vice versa.

Today is Halloween. I privately celebrate it every year. This is my story that I don't think I've ever shared.

I was a young 22 year old, living with a guy 10years old than me. We'd been together about 3 years, living together for 2. We'd been engaged really quickly after a few months. Looking back now this was sprung on me when I came home from a girls holiday - why did I need girls holidays when I was planning on getting married 🤷‍♂️

He had a criminal record, slagged off his ex's and one night when I called the Police on him they arrived and said 'come on Tony, not up to your old tricks again are you' so there was clearly a history of DV. He promised and promised he was different and had changed. I paid for the flat, he gave me £10 a week as apparently that was all he could afford out of his wages. He had a history of drink but apparently hated drugs.

I was young and naive. A few days before Halloween I'd moved back to my mum's after deciding at 22 I didn't need this hassle. Id been out with friends and realised I needed a life back. He pleaded with me for days (before mobiles), sent flowers to work. Sat outside the house etc. he promised he would change. Then the threats started of how he'd harm my parents, smash they windows, crash their car.

I went back on Halloween to talk he was convincing me to give him a chance, more to prevent him harming himself or others.

Trick or treaters knocked at the door and he flipped. Smashed the flat we shared, me by the throat. I convinced him it was trick or treaters, gave him my purse to give them change to go away hoping I could calm him down enough to leave.

Luckily it was my lovely mum who had come to take me home.

OP please don't reach out to this person. He doesn't deserve you and you don't need him in your life. Block, delete, and keep busy.

Make a list of all the reasons he is no good for you.

Then get angry. You deserve so much better and he is just an arsehole. Be strong and keep distant from him.

Sadly the impulse is there because fundamentally you place no value whatsoever on your own life.

If you did your sense of self preservation would tell you that this guy is a low life and to be totally avoided.

Time spent in prison is not in the majority of people's experiences and circles.

It would be more than enough for most to give a firm hard swerve.

You are clearly very vulnerable to be entertaining him at all.

You shouldn't be near any man while you are even considering such a man.

Ohhhhh @BlueMum16 thank you so much for sharing that. Puts things into perspective for me. I clearly am struggling with self esteem at the moment but I'll get there! I haven't seen him since my original post but I've had a lot of messages. There's a reason I haven't blocked him before anyone says, but I'm not going into that on here. Thank you everyone.

You are right not to block him - this is consistent with advice from Women's Aid and police.

But mute his messages so you don't see notifications and export/ screenshot everything.

In a few weeks you'll feel repulsed by him x

Thank you! The advice I followed was from a stalking charity. People who haven't been in this situation don't always understand it's not as easy as just blocking someone.

That makes sense. My experience was all before mobiles as I said in my post so glad to be corrected.

Keep strong. You can find a new life and move on.

Oh gosh I wasn't correcting you at all! Sorry if it came across that way! Thank you for the support. I'm currently making a list on my phone of all of the bad things and red flags.

Even the good things he does are bad - love bombing, future faking and generally faking his personality and character.

He's investing in a future where you will provide sex.and a home. All paid for by your money and emotional input.

He is a Grade A parasite and sees you as his host.

You really need to work on yourself OP and why you are choosing to keep men like this around. 2 books that really helped me and I would strongly recommend to you are : Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. The second book I just recommended, although its quite dated, was a real eye opener for me. It goes in to the psychology of why some women believe these "men" are right for them.

Run don’t walk. These are huge red flags and as someone who has dated a previous drug user I can promise you, you will forever be looking over your shoulder

Not sure if anyone will see this but a lot of you said that I needed to work on myself…. I completely agree but how? Just struggling a lot this weekend.

Have you cut all contact with him now?

Did you do the freedom program? If not, sign up now. If you did, go back to it.

Get out into fresh air if you can, take some deep steadying breaths. Go treat yourself to some Aldi/lidl flowers, you deserve something nice to look at. (Or chocolate if that’s more you). Get some music on & stand up and sing/dance round the room.
Longer term, look for a good therapist.

You got this 💪🏼

Ok so im hearing you op. So the urge you have to reach out to him and the feeling low. Can you pause and sit with it ? Those are signs of a deeper unmet need within you. They are not really about him. The person he projects is a fantasy not reality. It can be hard to distinguish when the feelings are intense. Sounds like the basic need of love and safety. You think he meets that need so you get the ‘urge’ as your mind and body is craving it. When we have unmet needs our minds go around in a loop trying to get the need met. And it sounds like this is what is happening to you. So therapy will help you understand what the unmet needs are, where they come from and the ‘why’ . That gives you ultimately more self awareness. Then if you are able to find yourself a specialist coach - they will give you the how - the tools to do this for yourself. Ie to meet the unmet need. It’s possible to start really listening to yourself and start meeting your own needs without relying on external people. Not to become hyper independent but to start to accept yourself with love and compassion just as you are. You were always good enough from the moment you were born. You just learned a narrative somehow ( that you are not good enough. (obviously only you know your journey) but somehow along the way your attachment to yourself and who you are has broken down.

I found personally that in the absence of therapy and coaching ( which I’ve now had), I learned how to meditate properly and this was the start of an inner journey which through mindfulness allowed me to truly listen to my own feelings, good and terrible and embrace them all. I allowed the hard uncomfortable negative ones just to be there and noticed they start to flow through. This built emotional resilience for me which I needed. I also noticed the sensations of where they sit in my body - this is a revelation! In my chest, or head- and each time I use the breath to acknowledge it and let it pass through. I am able to settle my mind now to a stillness and peace I never thought possible. This allows me to surf the wave as such when a strong feeling arises and I get the urge to respond to it by reaching for something that’s not good for me. I need to do a daily practice of around 10 minutes but ideally 20 minutes. You need to ideally have a taught course ( mine was over 6 weeks /1 hour a week in the evening). I also had a coach who taught me about boundaries and people pleasing and through this started to explore what my real boundaries are. Plus identify things I really enjoy and want to spend time doing because they give me genuine joy and good feelings.

Getting outdoors in nature and also exercising can also help stimulate feelings of good chemicals in the brain that calm your mind and help in moments of feeling really low and rubbish. I find weight training on top of cardio has been amazing for me as I feel physically stronger and fitter both physically and mentally. So also work on your all round wellness as that is a part of caring for yourself.
The balance of

good sleep
good nutrition
exercise
getting outdoors
doing things that are fulfilling - a project that might involve creativity something you like- for me it’s a garden because I want my home to be a place of sanctuary first and I want to have my coffee in the morning outside in the summer amongst all the flowers and herbs I’ve grown. It’s my work, my creation, my learning journey all for me!! I wish you all the best op. There is so much to discover about you. Start the journey today. You are worth it.

By focussing on your physical and mental health.
Get enough sleep.
talk to friends.
Go for a daily 30 min walk to get some fresh air.
Eat healthy.
Cut back on alcohol, smoking, vaping. Etc if you do those things.
Drink plenty of water.
Stop doomscrolling.
See a therapist.

Does this mean you continued to date / see this man? Or are you returning to the thread to seek advice in general? (Hoping for the latter, although suspect the former)

Lots of great advice already OP.

Is it over OP?

You deserve so much more ♥️

Thank you all so much for your replies, they are so lovely and have helped me already.

It has been a journey since I started the thread, but I didn’t go back there. I am staying strong even though it has been incredibly hard but I am unsure why because I agreed with everything that was said before.

Stay single
Do the freedom programme
Prioritise self care

Keep away from dating until you’re in a better headspace and know how to spot red flags

No job. Been to prison. No home. Alcohol and substance issues. No hobbies.

COME ON OP.
Your bar is a pub in hell.

dont date ANYONE and work on your self esteem issues

It's been 5 months since your first post. You have come a long way.

He's out of your life.

You just need to build your confidence. Do you work? Have hobbies? Friends?

Thanks, but that’s what I’m asking, how? I’m going to do the freedom programme and other things people have suggested above but anything else would be useful.

Some ideas for you, OP: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/ and https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/

you are being really strong. Keep on going!

What are you struggling with? Can you tell us more about how you’re feeling?