Are these red flags?

[90yomakeuproom]

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

Does Claire's law just cover DV or any criminal record? I have thought about this before but don't know how it works.

This is the biggest red flag there is. His future includes you, you barely know each other.

Run. Run run run. I once had a friend ask me “how many pink flags make a red flag” and I said, if you have to ask you already know!! And I think you already know too, but this man is future faking the perfect relationship you COULD have.

That man needs to be sober and straight with the law for 6 months before he should even be thinking about bringing anyone else into his mess. He hasn’t proved to himself he’s a changed man yet. 2-3 months off drugs is nothing. One small change, one upset, one bad day and he could be back down that hole and dragging you along for the ride.

Yes, I have all of this.

I have worked with drug and alcohol users in the criminal justice system for years . I would avoid as the drug use is recent - so he says- and it often goes hand in hand with domestic violence

I work in courts and no they don’t . No magistrates or crown courts have journalists sitting in the galleries unless it’s a high profile case . I’ve been working in various London courts ( inc some of the bigger ones ) since 2007. You might get one or two rookies now and again doing some training and that’s it . The majority of magistrate court hearings deal with everyday offences , thefts , possession, drugs , driving offences ect , which are sent up to crown if the defendant has pleaded not guilty and wants a trial , or the offence is so serious that only a crown court could hear it due to the available sentencing options.
it will be the mag courts who have the dedicated dv courts , if you find the name of the court he went to and have his name and dob you could check the hearing outcome with them

Of course he's acting like he wants a future with you. He needs somewhere to live and someone to sponge off who doesn't mind that he's a criminal drug taking alcoholic. Women like that don't grow on trees.

Its one thing to meet some one later on in life who had spent time in prison a long time ago however they had been able to turn their life around, hold down a decent job, be financially mature and own a property/live alone and have really proven that they have moved on from their mistakes

and it’s another to meet someone who has spent time in jail, has very recent (and probably still on going) drug and alcohol issues, lives at home with their parents, doesn’t have a job or actually anything at all going for them.

You need to work on yourself esteem and respect so that you wouldn’t even entertain the thought of being with a waste of space like this.

Order yourself some self help books, if you can afford therapy do that, there’s plenty of great Instagram profiles out there for self help work too.

When ex-prisoner is the best thing that can be said about him…

He wants a home with a fanny/income. Sorry OP

Of course they’re all red flags! You shouldn’t even need to ask. You’d be a fool to get involved with someone like that, and no doubt regret it in the not too distant future.

This and you forgot ‘slags off ex-girlfriend’

Armed robbery ? Run.

You sound like you've got your life together. Don't let someone take it apart.

Maybe think about what YOU want, where YOU want to be in 10 years, the values and attributes any potential partner would need to align with YOUR life plans. You might need some professional help to do this, e.g. a coach or a therapist.

Best of luck.

Move on.

Unless you are actually homeless, living in the street taking drugs and selling your body to survive, you are out of his league.

I wonder why some women who are bringing so much into a relationship, expect nothing from the partner.
He is not even at zero. He is minus.

It does sound like you have concerns about the type of convictions and relationship woth his ex. Clare's Law might help you get the facts you need.

"This scheme enables the police to release information about any previous history of violence or abuse a person might have.

Under Clare's Law you can:

apply for information about your current or ex-partner because you're worried they may have a history of abuse and are a risk to you"

Or you might already have realised that your gut instincts are telling you there is something wrong and to walk away. Still might be worth checking if you are in doubt and might stay.

Why are you even dating him? I would run not go on a date with him. Prison?????

The fact he’s not open about what he was in prison for is a red flag. Of course the past is the past and people can change bla bla bla, but he’s telling you something yet not telling you anything. I personally would want full honesty and to know everything to determine if I’m ok with what happened and to guard if I think he has actually changed. Honestly armed robbery would be a red flag for me too. That’s planned use of (threatened) violence. No one plans an armed robbery on their first stint at robbery, so he was at it for a while and just happened to get caught. The fact he doesn’t want to talk about it would make me question if he’s telling you everything. Did he shoot anyone? Was anyone hurt? Hospitalised? Permanently disabled? Killed? How often did he commit armed robbery? What was his role? Was he the organiser or a follower? How did he roll into a criminal life? Is he still friends with the criminal gang? Has he broken ALL ties with his former life?

I find the very recent stop with alcohol and drugs a red flag too. Great that he stopped, but it’s only recent. He is still an addict (and will be an addict for life), does he realise this? He still has to learn how to cope with bad situations without turning back to alcohol and drugs.

Bad mouthing the ex is another huge red flag. I bet she has a different version of the truth. Bad mouthing her just means that he is unable to reflect upon his role in a situation.

Honestly op, dump this guy and get yourself some therapy to give you insight into why you’re falling for this type and to help you raise your bar. You’re worth so much more than a recovering alcoholic drug addict with a violent, criminal past who has zero respect for his ex gf.

I'm really not sure what he was in prison for, it's very vague but I think it was to do with armed robbery and assault but not 100% sure as he says he doesn't want to talk about it.

That made me laugh out loud. Sorry OP. I don't want to talk about it. I bet you don't matey!

Armed robbery and assault is absolutely awful. There could be someone out there with life changing injuries because of this no mark.

Is he giving you his real name? I wouldn’t go there tbh - too many red flags. You can do better.

I’d be very wary. If he knows you have your own home, car etc., he may be love-bombing in the hope of moving in with you.

I’d also be very wary because he won’t tell you what his conviction was for, yet he’s talking about a future with you. Whatever it was, if he’s genuinely remorseful and has learned from it, he should be honest about it with someone he’s serious about.

Finally, if his alcohol and drug problems were only a few months ago, he should still be viewed as having an ongoing problem. Even people who’ve been clean and sober for years can be at risk of relapsing.

IMHO, he shouldn’t be looking for a long-term relationship until he’s got a job, his own place and has been clean for much longer. Until then he should be focussing on himself. Dates are fine but he shouldn’t be getting serious about anyone until he’s built his own life.

There is your answer. You have so much going for you..
You are entitled to much better than a secretive alcoholic homeless ex con.
You will appeal to all sorts of men...be fussy!
Choose one who will be worthy of you. not one who will drag you down.

Ask Police to do a Claire's Law search which will show if he has a history of domestic abuse with other partners which involved Police intervention. Google Claire's Law which will explain the process.

Run a mile. That is a terrible CV

Red flags - all of them! Nope from me.

Do you generally believe everything people tell you? 🤔