Are these red flags?

[90yomakeuproom]

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

Often there’s a report of the conviction in local media, even from years ago. Name change? Clare’s Law?

when I was pondering a relationship, I found it useful to list what I wanted in a man.

If

• spent time in prison
• drug user
• badmouths ex

aren’t on your wishlist, he’s not for you.

I know this sounds flippant, but I tied myself up in painful knots with an ex, who lied and cheated. It helped me clarify those behaviours were absolutely not what I was looking for.

What could possibly go wrong?

OP, ditch this man and get some therapy to help you work out why you would even need to ask if these are red flags.

I wish you well.

Where i live all prison sentences are reported in local media. Hes either lying about his name or has changed it. You have to have done something very serious to be sent down too. Look at the state of sentencing in this country. If your self worth is already on the floor then run a mile as itll be down in the basement if you stay with him

We met at a party at his house actually. We have been out for food, coffee, movie nights at his house. Yes he's talked a lot about the future and what he wants. All of it includes me.

I love this! Thank you so much for the advice.

2-3 months is nothing in recovery from addiction.
Armed robbery is very serious and suggests involvement in organised crime groups. Just associating with that type if person could be dangerous. It's usually a hefty sentence too, is he recently out of prison?

Future faking. Look it up.

Of course it includes you - you’re his pension plan/ cashpoint in waiting.

Please wake up and smell the coffee. What in the name of God is he truly offering you?

You should be terrified this is a blueprint for disaster

You can get background information from the police using Clare’s Law…

Oh come on OP. Why would you even consider having anything to do with this person, let alone want to date him?

Please do this
Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Read Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood
Read Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft

You are so vulnerable to an abusive relationship if this guy is seriously even vaguely worth your time.

He's an ex convicted man who is a druggy.
2-3 off it is nothing.

Stay away from all men until you have worked on your standards and boundaries.

You're not dating one of my exes are you? 😂 Seriously though, run a mile. He sounds very similar to two I went out with back in my twenties. Both had been in prison. Both had lots of negative talk about their ex gfs. Oh and both turned out to be violent with me. That type of guy will blame everyone else for his bad character. The fact that he's been in trouble with the law should already be a red flag. Take it from someone who knows.

Oh love, no. You deserve better.

A flag parade.

The prison sentence I could potentially get past if it was very clearly something he had acknowledged and moved past.

Unfortunately drink and drug problems in recent years less so. Hard to know but it’s very likely he is downplaying the extent to which he has got over these.

Bad-mouthing the ex is always a red flag.

Raise your standards and move on.

Yes, this is very true. It's always due to other people, not having a chance, getting in with the wrong crowd etc.

Lots of people are asking what he brings and it's an emotional connection and his commitment to the future (but I have just looked up future faking and it seems what this is) and his dedication to me. I haven't had someone who has been 100% into me before. He's very caring but intense, says he'll put me before anyone else and I thought that was a good thing but maybe that's another red flag.

Oh OP.

Please do the Freedom Programme. And run far, far away from this man. He is dangerous.

“It included me” wow, how romantic!

if he’s engaged ever, ever, ever, in proper recovery, he’d know full well that 2-3 months after his last binge is dangerous territory for starting anything new - especially relationships! He wants a future with you because his alternative future consists of absolutely fuck all. He’s a loser with a terrible past and a terrible present. His recovery, if even real at all, is unmanaged and ripe for relapse. He has nothing at all going for him, not even a glimmer of hope for you to cling to that I can see.

I have to know and understand - what on earth appeals to you about this pond life?

I bet he doesn’t want to talk about it! I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt initially but he sounds like a walking disaster if I’m honest.

Ok just read your update - he has tapped into your vulnerability! You’ve just said, you’ve never had someone be so intense and offer you 100% and that’s why you are so vulnerable to this piece of shit. He’s offering ZERO in tangible real terms, and yet, he’s offering the one thing you crave, which is being prioritised.

This might stem from your upbringing (it did for me) and additionally from subsequent relationships as an adult, always being put last on everyone’s list is soul destroying. Please, I beg of you, work through that instead of letting this walking red flag fill that gap. He will mentally, physically and financially destroy you if given a chance, I’d bet my house, my kids, and my dog on it!

He sounds awful. I mean the drugs etc not so much. I know plenty of ex hard drug users and alcoholics and they do change if they stop using.

But the prison, and the stuff about the ex. That's too much really.

I suppose if the prison was for shoplifting or low level dealing while he was an addict it might be less grim than if he raped someone, but it's still too dodgy in my view. And I'm a pretty liberal person.

Nothing that has been said about him here describes a man to get involved with.

Just to add, did you bring up the subject of a criminal record?

If he brought it up and then didn’t want to tell you what he went to prison for, he is probably setting you up for being told that you knew the score at some point in the future. Why else mention it? He’s not telling you what you really need to know. Hinting at a very serious crime has shut you , but it might be something far worse.

Im glad youve seen him for what he is so fast on this thread. Yes future faking was what i was getting at. It is typical behaviour of what turn out to be abusive men. This would be a dangerous relationship for you to get into.

Yes. So take P, one of those exes I had, he had a "perfect" childhood. Rich parents, private school, holidays around the world. But "the world had it in" for him. 😒😒 In reality he was a horrible cruel young man, who thought nothing of shoplifting, beating women etc. Just nasty to the core. He regularly smoked weed or drank himself to oblivion. He was sacked from jobs for turning up smelling of booze. I moved in with him and lived with him for 4 years. He regularly gave me a few black eyes and a burst lip, things like that. Now I'm sure he's still a nasty 50 year old man somewhere doing all the same things.

But they don't start off like that of course. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Your guy sounds like he's love bombing you. Thats how it goes. Just saying what you want to hear, phoning you all the time, trying to speed up the relationship. Trying to create a fake sense of intimacy, even though you've only known them for a short time. You can see red flags but ignore them because they make you feel so good and desirable. Then once you're in it, its so hard to get out of it. I left him a couple of times before I eventually ended it for good. Once I did, he stalked me, threw eggs at my car, messed with the brake cable.... I had to get a new car then it all stopped. I still have PTSD 15 years later from that relationship.