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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are these red flags?

253 replies

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 08:03

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

OP posts:
Jiski · 18/10/2025 15:09

I’m not sure if this is real, because in what world wouldn’t they be red flags?

Changeforthis79 · 18/10/2025 15:21

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 10:29

We met at a party at his house actually. We have been out for food, coffee, movie nights at his house. Yes he's talked a lot about the future and what he wants. All of it includes me.

All of it would include absolutely any female he met at this point- please don't feel special - he is a convicted armed robber/ alcoholic/drug user currently without a home

missmollygreen · 18/10/2025 15:26

user2848502016 · 18/10/2025 08:59

The prison thing I could overlook depending what he was in for and if it was in the past but recent drug and alcohol abuse is a red flag, and talking negatively about an ex is a big red flag

Really?
How many people on here talk negatively about their ex partners? It happens all the time.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 18/10/2025 15:26

Oh come on luv, run don't walk

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/10/2025 15:27

"Yes he's talked a lot about the future and what he wants. All of it includes me."

Of course it does 🙄 He's love bombing and future-faking. Both red flags, along with all the many other red flags.

Put in a Clare's Law disclosure for him, I wouldn't be surprised if the assault was related to his ex-GF.

Even if the Clare's Law comes back 'clear' in terms of DV, I'd still keep away from him, he's got nothing good to offer you, and everything you say about him is a red flag.

ETA I said 'clear' as it doesn't mean he has never been violent to a GF, as a lot of DV never gets reported. If his conviction really is for armed robbery, he's got a violent and aggressive personality.

Timelineuk · 18/10/2025 15:28

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 08:03

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

I hope you don’t have kids if you can’t tell these are red flags and you like them

tragichero · 18/10/2025 15:32

If you have spent any time on Mumsnet, you must have known what response you would get. There is no account given on here for the fact it is possible for some people to change, absolutely none.

All of these things were true of my dad when mom met him, apart from the drugs. (He did abuse alcohol). He spoke ill of his ex because she was a violent drunk herself - he has a scar on his abdomen from a knife wound she inflicted. He turned out an excellent father to me, and an excellent husband to her.

People CAN change. It very much depends on the circumstances that led to them making the choices they made in the first place.

OP, you haven't given us enough information to judge. The one that would concern me most here are the fact that his drug and alcohol issues are recent, so it's hard to know how secure he is in his sobriety.

What worries me (and I don't mean this unkindly) is that you don't feel able to make a decision on your dating life for yourself - you seen very susceptible to the opinions of strangers on the internet. I wonder if you are easily influenced by people in real life too?

So maybe take a break from dating, especially serious dating, and take more time to heal, so you become confident to trust your own judgement.

(Says a stranger on the internet. The irony of this isn't lost on me!).

Good luck.

Donttellempike · 18/10/2025 15:34

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 10:29

We met at a party at his house actually. We have been out for food, coffee, movie nights at his house. Yes he's talked a lot about the future and what he wants. All of it includes me.

I bet it does. He has literally nothing going for him🙄

And armed robbery is one of the most violent crime that exists.

You have planned it, you know deaths d or serious injury may well happen, and you know where to source a gun .

OP just no

JaneEyre40 · 18/10/2025 15:36

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 08:03

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

Lol....🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈

Swanfeet · 18/10/2025 15:41

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 08:03

I have begun seeing someone and have feelings for them but I am worried that there are some red flags. Would appreciate any views.

Previously spent time in prison around 10 years ago
Had some issues with drugs and alcohol until fairly recently
Speaks quite negatively about his ex gf

They are pretty big issues but everyone has a past and he says he has changed. Am I stupid to believe this? What would you all do?

Christ, there’s pretty much every major red flag there. You get one shot at life. Move on xx

Gibstub · 18/10/2025 15:43

No, he hasn't changed. Leave while you can.

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 18/10/2025 15:44

Given you already have misgivings chuck him.

Pollqueen · 18/10/2025 15:44

I'd say you've met an ex con junkie with an alcohol problem and his ex, far from being crazy, was sensible and got rid 👌

Emmz1510 · 18/10/2025 15:46

You recognise yourself that your self
worth is poor and the fact that you are even saying that tells me all I need to know about what you really think of this guy. You don’t need us to tell you he’s bad news.
You know you can request a check from the Police under Claire’s Law? It will tell you about any domestic abuse convictions. Ask at your local station. Not that you really need it given what you already know, but it might solidify your views on him.
Yes everyone has a past, but to me that might mean a partner has maybe slept with a few more people than I’d like, has taken an E at a couple of raves, or played truant from school a bit. Not prison or chronic alcohol and drugs abuse. And talking about a crazy ex is classic behaviour when domestic abuse has been a feature. I’m sorry but if you stay with this guy you’ll be the crazy ex he is talking about to the next poor girl vulnerable enough to stay in a relationship with him.

Pollqueen · 18/10/2025 15:49

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 09:51

He doesn't currently have a job
He lives with family
No car
He used to like and play rugby but not anymore
He does have lots of friends
No children

And it gets worse. Honestly OP. No job, no car, lives with his mum, alcohol and drug issues, you say until recently. How recently? Is he in AA or NA or just lying to you?

Pollqueen · 18/10/2025 15:51

It also sounds like he is love bombing. Do you by any chance have your own home, job, car and financial independence?

SnowyPetals · 18/10/2025 15:52

Run! Why would you knowingly enter into a relationship with a man with all this? The drug use isn't in the recent past, it is current. Never believe a drug or alcohol addict when they say they intend to stop. And that's before the violence conviction, lack of job and lack of home.

Friendlygingercat · 18/10/2025 15:52

The prison thing I could overlook depending what he was in for and if it was in the past but recent drug and alcohol abuse is a red flag, and talking negatively about an ex is a big red flag

Agree 100% with most others upthread.

The drink and drugs and bitching about the ex gf are more recent red flags and would put me off rather than the prison sentence. The prison thing 10 years ago is not in itself a deterrent. (I have a relative who was in prison 20 years ago but I know all the details and it is something he would not be convicted of now). He has since led a blameless life and people can recover from foolish mistakes they made in their early adulthood.

Endofyear · 18/10/2025 15:55

Yes of course they're red flags! Kind of worrying that you have to ask to be honest...🫤

OpheliaNightingale · 18/10/2025 15:58

@90yomakeuproom there are 8 billion people on earth, why choose an ex offender/addict with all of the issues that will bring? Also he needs to reflect on his own behaviours before labelling his ex as ‘crazy’. If she wasn’t crazy when she got with him, I’m guessing she was by the end!

Dippythedino · 18/10/2025 16:02

Do the online or in person freedom programme to recognise red flags & ddvelop boundaries. You can't be that desperate for a shag that you're willing to lower your standards & put yourself in potential danger.

Dippythedino · 18/10/2025 16:03

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

VaccineSticker · 18/10/2025 16:03

90yomakeuproom · 18/10/2025 08:56

I have tried this and can't find anything which I thought was odd....

He has possibly changed his name.
I’d personally go for Claire’s law.

HOWEVER- Regardless of what’s Claire’s law comes out with, he’s a write off for me. I stopped reading the rest of your post after you said he’s been in prison etc…
You deserve better.
Don’t settle for a scumbag.

aCatCalledFawkes · 18/10/2025 16:06

I would need to know more. With the prison stuff, It could be prison and turned his life around but also it could be prison and not a lot has changed at all. My friends partner was in prison 30yrs ago for a couple of years and has totally changed his life, he's a mechanic and I totally trust him with my car and my daughters. Off the back of this I dated someone who had been in prison thinking surely people learn their lesson and...no I really don't think he did, so many red flags mainly around entitlement to benefits.
I would read you post and thought no, he's got baggage.

suburberphobe · 18/10/2025 16:06

armed robbery and assault

Jesus! That would have me walking away right there and then!

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