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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sick to the back teeth of cliques at the school gate?

182 replies

squinny101 · 05/06/2008 07:54

I am sick and tired of cliquey groups of mums at the school gate all trying to out do each other and my ds school seems to be particularly bad. Its like how many after school activities can one child do. I am looked down upon (and itied) because I work every evening and god forbid I am divorced (says in a whisper) and have children with my current partner as well.

Oh how they enjoyed the fact that my ex-husband was at a party and they got to gleefully tell me on the Monday morning. I felt like saying 'its OK I know what he looks like'.

Sick, sick, to the back teeth of it. I make nothing but an effort to be nice and kind (even taking one little boy to school whenever it rains) and all I seem to get is bitchy remarks and one woman in partiuclar looks me up and down so blatantly it makes me feel like I have not put my trousers on.

Please tell me your stories - make me feel better.

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 05/06/2008 15:09

it's strange but i've never noticed this stuff over here.

i used to mind my cousin and collected him from his (very posh) school daily and everyone was always lovely.

here the school is across the road and i know alot of the moms already from the playschool and although some are better friends than others, there are no 'cliques'. they even invited me to the sports day as all dd's friends have bigger siblings in the school so they were all going and they didn't want her to be left out of the barbeque and games

and if anyone was likely to be excluded by the proper mommies it's me.... i have a face full of piercings and dress very differantly to them but they hardly even seem to notice.

maybe i'm just naive and haven't noticed though.......

MaloryBoden · 05/06/2008 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mercy · 05/06/2008 15:11

Hmm, agree Malory- nasty comment. Completely uneccesary and untrue.

Kimi · 05/06/2008 15:15

Oh please lets not make this about sahm, I am one, what I am saying is a lot of these people who turn up half hour before they need to are sad and have nothing but the school run.

And the cliqueyness is childish

southeastastra · 05/06/2008 15:31

whatever you feel, remember it doesn't last long, soon they'll be at secondary and you'll never see the other parents again!

Anna8888 · 05/06/2008 15:33
anotherfatty · 05/06/2008 15:45

If you look for cliques and bitches at the school gates then that is what you will see. If you look for potential friends and fellow mums then that is what you will see. YABU

Mercy · 05/06/2008 16:02

Kimi, plenty of people make friends and acquaintances via the school community. I don't see anything wrong with turning up early; some who do might be a bit lonely, or if they work it might be the only opportunity to catch up with other parents at the school.

Anyway, SEA - yes you are right! Mine are both at primary now and it does feel a bit weird thinking about the different situation at secondary school.

seeker · 05/06/2008 16:02

I sometimes arrive a bit early to pick ds up from school so that I can have a chat with my friends. I just do not see how this makes me a saddo!

morningpaper · 05/06/2008 16:14

Cliques and Bitches

sounds so Jilly Cooper

I don't understand why it is sad to socialise. Isn't that, erm, part of the human condition? I mean it's a bad sad to rush back for the hoovering isn't it? Errm have I missed something?

Quadrophenia · 05/06/2008 16:23

Well it does happen, some folk are just not nice, whether you let it bother you or not is a differnt issue entirely.

Mercy · 05/06/2008 16:31

Yes, of course - but that can happen anywhere, not just at the school gates.

Remember what it's like when you start a new job or move to a different area?!

I don't like the idea that parents of children who are not yet at school are already dreading it tbh.

I wouldn't want to be part of group that is competitive or exclusive in some way - I just find other people to pass the time of day with!

MaloryBoden · 05/06/2008 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flashman · 05/06/2008 19:06

If you don't want to be part of the group - why does it matter to you?

Tutter · 05/06/2008 19:08

only read first few posts

paranoia, no?

allytjd · 05/06/2008 20:31

Chatting is how you form social networks, social networks have helped me out loads of times, if I'm late I Know that a friend will keep my kids company until i get there, and my three boys play football and rn about if I stay in the playground for half an hour after school, I would do it even if there was no one to chat to. One of the joys of being a stay at home mum is not having to rush all the time. Yes there are one or two annoying types (who make a point of letting you know how much they paid for thier house etc.) but generally everyone is friendly, Dads, Mums, grannies and childminders. I am generally a shy person and so are my kids, but chatting in the playground has been good training for all of us and I have far more friends now that I am a mother. Occassionally i feel a touch of paranoia or can't be bothered chatting but that usually turns out to be PMT!
I live in a small Scottish town, I know it is foolish to generalise, but are the cliquey playgrounds more common in urban areas?

MaloryBoden · 05/06/2008 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 05/06/2008 21:15

I find these threads bizarre and inexplicable. Why does it matter to you Why are you giving this sort of stuff headspace? It just seems so needy to care what a bunch of total strangers think of you. If they're nice they won't be passing judgement and if they are not nice, why do you care what they think?

I just drop and run and smile vaguely and refuse to talk to anyone. Whenever I read threads like these I think that's the only sane policy.

Quattrocento · 05/06/2008 21:22

My only judgemental thought at the school gates, seeing all these mums idly chatting, for no actual reason at all, even in the rain, I think "there are some women who clearly do not have Enough To Do" as I avoid eyecontact. That's the trick btw avoid eyecontact before they try to lure you in to gossip and chitchat and mindless rubbishy PTA-type activities and baking cakes ...

pointydog · 05/06/2008 21:25

Quattro, great gladiator, enters the ring

Anna8888 · 05/06/2008 21:25

How do you know what the mothers and fathers at the school gate are chatting about Quattro? If you are not actually participating in the conversation yourself (as you state)...?

I can assure you it is not all cakes and PTA. Try it - you might learn something useful that would give your child better opportunities in life

pointydog · 05/06/2008 21:30

'that would give your child better opporutnies in life'? Rather cryptic. Do you talk to freemasons, anna?

Anna8888 · 05/06/2008 21:32

Not remotely cryptic. What are we all doing as parents if not trying to give our children opportunities?

policywonk · 05/06/2008 21:36

My mother died last week, and my schoolgate-mother friends have had a whip-round to buy me some flowers, phoned me every day, offered me free childcare at the drop of a hat, squashed me to their bosoms and generally been bloody lovely. I guess they have offered me the same sort of support that co-workers would have offered me had I been in paid work. I'm extremely grateful to them and very touched.

And Quattro dear, PTA stuff can actually be quite significant in state schools you know.

Mercy · 05/06/2008 21:37

erm, I just talk to other parents for one or more of hte following reasons

a) I like them

b) they are the parents of my dc's friends

c) just to pass the time of day with them - ie, to be polite

d) no reason whatsoever - again just to be polite and say hello