to be sick to the back teeth of cliques at the school gate?

[squinny101]

I am sick and tired of cliquey groups of mums at the school gate all trying to out do each other and my ds school seems to be particularly bad. Its like how many after school activities can one child do. I am looked down upon (and itied) because I work every evening and god forbid I am divorced (says in a whisper) and have children with my current partner as well.

Oh how they enjoyed the fact that my ex-husband was at a party and they got to gleefully tell me on the Monday morning. I felt like saying 'its OK I know what he looks like'.

Sick, sick, to the back teeth of it. I make nothing but an effort to be nice and kind (even taking one little boy to school whenever it rains) and all I seem to get is bitchy remarks and one woman in partiuclar looks me up and down so blatantly it makes me feel like I have not put my trousers on.

Please tell me your stories - make me feel better.

What OO said. I find it's generally better not to take offence unless people are trying to offend you deliberately (which is vv. rare ime). Usually they're just having a bad day, are distracted (v. easy when you're busy at drop off) or are chatting to their friends (which is fair enough). I talk to people who I like and know at the school gates sometimes I talk to people I don't know that well. There are probably other people I don't know that I haven't talked to who might feel offended by that who knows? I've certainly never intended to cold-shoulder anyone, but can't be held responsible if people choose to interpret things that way.

[Am not particularly well-groomed, btw)...

well they sound like a shower of barstewards then

My kids go to a similar school and at first glance you might think the playground was cliquey as groups do hang around but the truth is that these women are friends enjoying a chat, if you want to join in you have to make an effort to be friendly, you wouldn't expect a group of women in a pub to automatically include you in the conversation. I talk to almost everyone but do have particular friends who I spend most time with, we probably seem cliquey from the outside but we are not bitching about others. We are in danger of turning a misogynist myth about "bitchy" women into a reality by misinterpreting ordinary situations. Having said that, the private school up the road does have a bit of a problem with a divide between the mothers with money(you have to have the right car and handbag) and the middle class, scraping the fees together, types.

It was worse at dd1 old school, there was once a conversation about the different colours everyone had painted their house, my sitting room is blue and my bathroom is green, I stood there thinking wtf am I doing talking to these people I dont like, are superficial and are really boring. To the OP, you are not paraniod but the fact they piss you off says that you want to be part of the clique, i always admired the women who skimmed over the cliques.

So to answer your question, No YANBU!!

But don't sweat the small stuff. They are just gossiping about your ex because they have nowt better to talk about. Prob think you'd be interested for the sake of gossip maybe.

ok...what really peed me off and call me paranoid if you like is that one of them had a party for every boy in the class (I have girls by the way) and the ONLY one who wasn't invited was my non-clique friend's son who is has mild learning difficulties. He's delightful and non-disruptive and loves parties. My friend thinks "ah, he's lost his bloody invite yet again" and goes up (bravely I thought) to one of the witches and says "I'm so sorry but I think X has lost his invite to Y's party"... Witch looked at her straight in the face and said, and I quote, "No I don't think he did. We just don't think that X will enjoy the football party and we don't want him to slow things down".....AAAAAHHHH -now call me paranoid if you dare.......

and you really think it's worth "being nice" to this person??

There are all sorts of mothers and fathers at our school gate and we nearly all say hello to one another. And some of us (because we bump into one another more often) chat, and are gradually getting to know each other.

I really don't think there are "cliques". There are, however, a very few rude parents who don't bother to say hello and strike up conversations. Are you one of those, OP?

The local school where my dc goes, consists of lots of groups of mums who have know each other for yrs. Then you have the set of mums who hooked up thru moving here, and have known one another thru the anti natal classes etc...

I have never got into those convos, really, I prefer to stand by myself, and remian sort of on the fringes. Yet now and again I have a chat with other mums.

I used to think i should be 'in' but realsied it was a bit boring!!

my typical themes for school-gate chat:

• weather
• your toddler is looking cute / ill / tired / cheery today
• your top looks nice
• does Molly want to come and play next week?
• reasons why I can't get involved with the PTA
• did you see that cheap paddling pool in Sainsbury's
• what did you do over half term
• I met your husband the other day; he is well tasty

I really don't understand this concept of an
'in crowd'.
Why don't you just make friends with people you like?
Or AIBU now?

I don't really have friends as such, just people I say hello to and make small talk

but I am a bit of a weirdy loner and like my own company tbh

now when I emigrate this year, I am going to have to come over all pushy and make Proper Friends as I will not know anyone, but I think, target one 'victim'(!) at a time and in 6 months, you should have made some friends (hopefully)

perhaps we should have a school-gate thread where we practice our banter

I really fancy the decorator who is repairing my subsidence cracks

he is having a fag on my doorstep at the moment

his name is chris

MaloryBoden, I have never fallen out with anyone, I have nearly fallen out with someone and it made me think about getting too close.

We have different parenting skills and if your dc falls out with a friend over a situation, these skills can sometimes be called into question.

My DS was really pally with his school friend and I was sort of friendly with his mum (we were like chalk and cheese but she was nice). For 5 yrs they were mates, sleepovas trips out, invited to each others birthdays every year, then one birthday my DS wasnt invited. Another mother assumed my DS was invited as they were THAT close and asked me if I could take her son to the party as I was having her son for a sleepova at mine.

Anyway, I rang the mother up and asked her why my DS wan't invite(not in a stalker fashion, more in a concern way to find out what the prob was) and she said my son had called her son 'Gay'.

ALL the kids in our neighbourhood and at school were using this word because it was riskay and they were trying to shock each other, they were only 8yo. I explained this to her nicely and then got my DS to apologise to her son.

My point, I just cannot be dealing with people like this. It's too much like hard work. My out of school mates are more my cup of tea and less likely to be offended.

They are kids

You think he's having a fag on your doorstep. What he is really doing is giving your house a massive shove to create some more cracks for himself.

That is really shocking Amandella. You are hereby given permission to call the coven at your school any names you like.
However, in general, I agree with the posters who say that a lot of this is in the eye of the beholder. I know loads of mums at our school - I go right up there and I talk to everyone. I don't believe that people are coldshouldered in the way a lot of people on here describe - I think if you are generally friendly and prepared to chat other people will talk to you. Some people on this thread seem quite paranoid and hostile and I wonder if they are taking this attitude out with them and making assumptions about other people's motives that are completely unfounded.

I don't believe this is accurate

I think it is YOUR perception that is at fault and not other people's

I constantly see these clique problems and at the heart of it is a bunch of insecure women who believe that other people are talking about them all the time - what a pile of crap. Get over yourself, they aren't giving you more than a passing thought

God if you don't grow up, you will spend your whole life being miserable.

People like people who are pleasant, not conspiracy theorists over a bunch of mums chatting about whether they slept last night and which child is the biggest PITA

I like the last topic on your list MP. May try it this afternoon if I get bored with talking about the weather.