Holidays with young kids just not worth it? Holiday from hell incoming…

[Welshinlondonmum]

Myself (F45), DP (M47), DS (3-nearly 4) and DD (9Months) are on day 2 of 11 night holiday and I’m already at the end of my tether and wondering are holidays just not worth it with young kids?

DS just runs off and doesn’t look back. He’s always been a runner and we’ve tried everything - reigns, refuses to sit in high chair, pops out of buggy that we brought to try and contain him. This morning I’ve had to wrestle him into chair to get breakfast in him, being stared at by others disapprovingly. Eventually got so cross I shouted at him as last night he cried for 20 mins before bed he was starving - when he refused to sit down in restaurant and eat! He’s also dairy intolerant so we have to wait for his food to be made, which doesn’t help. He escaped from kids club this morning. We were thankfully sat on loungers outside, but I jumped up to chase him and slipped on wet tiles. I’ve really hurt my back as a result and can’t lift or chase him now. Already dreading a night of breastfeeding in a hotel bed when my back in agony like this.

Also livid as I booked this holiday as they take kids from 3 at kids club but they don’t lock the door. Myself or DP will have to stay with him at every session if we want to give each other a break, which I was so desperate for. Last night he escaped kids disco and can also open hotel room door from inside, so having to barricade ourselves in with suitcases as there’s no way to keep door child safe.

We’ve been on at least 8 holidays with him since he was born and this could be the worst so far! I thought with age he would calm down a bit.

DS caring and loving and generally well behaved in childcare but really pushes it when in a busy environment . I’m firm and try to have consistent boundaries, stay calm but DP has a short temper and ends up frustrated and angry. To be frank, I don’t blame him, but this just adds to overall stress. DS just doesn’t stop moving - typical boy x10. He also has a mild tic and Dr has suggested potential ADHD, but says we must wait till school to refer when he’s older. But it is challenging and we are at a loss how to do ‘normal’ things.

DD (9M) is lovely but attached to me constantly- cries minute I put her down and squirms when dad holds her. Combo feeding but she’s in with me feeding all night off and on, so sleep is lacking. I was also up till 4am packing to leave at 10.30am. I just managed a last minute bikini wax at 9am on 3hrs sleep. Husband annoyed I left this till ‘last minute’ - Plus now I’ve unpacked I’ve realised I’ve got 3 tshirts, 3 pairs of knickers and several dresses that don’t work for breastfeeding whilst I managed to pack for both kids and husbands! My clothes order and underwear currently say in next which I had no time to retrieve :(

DP and I already arguing over sons behaviour and generally sniping about how he hates the stress of holiday. But I was desperate for a break but this is far from relaxing.

DP saying he cannot cope with DS and is physically shaking from his behaviour and keeps saying he’s going to have a heart attack!! I literally feel completely overwhelmed. Both miserable!

I know people on here will say I have a DP problem but I’m literally just looking for some kind words of advice on how to deal with son right now in this All inclusive hotel that is not set up for young kids, despite the reviews to the contrary. I’m trying to salvage the holiday and not feel like a hormonal, breast feeding, frazzled mum who’s completely overwhelmed with the worry of 9 days of this! praying it all calms down soon and we find some calm! Is this possible with 2 young kids?

Thanks if you’ve read this far! Please be kind - any advice?

It is children that are tiring, not the age.

I’m not knackered, at any rate. I get tired sometimes but mostly that’s on my work days! Working, managing a home, raising children (especially when you do it ‘well’) and juggling other relationships and commitments is tough.

Luckily, so are we.

@Autisticburnouthell I do appreciate that and I’ll admit the last few responses have been combative as sadly there is a lot of hate on here - certainly as the comments have gone on and I’ve been reading comments backwards.

I’m definitely fine and in a much better head space now than a few days ago. There was a massive amount of great advice in the first 60% and many of the replies. Much of which I’ve started to apply and some have been so helpful. DS has been doing what he loves down the beach and swimming etc and eating environments have improved. He will always run but husband and I have a rota now - if you don’t have baby, drop everything and chase 🤣

I’m just gobsmacked really about the main criticism which was unsolicited and just shows the levels of small minded and judgement for other people’s lives. Our ages, my partners stress, the fact we tried a holiday to start with, trying a kids club that thousands do, using a buggy…and being called a classic door mat for packing a few shorts and pants lol

I’m just more for women supporting women so we rise and not slamming people on the internet. We all do things differently. But hey - I guess that’s the internet for you.

x

A wise friend said once, holidays are 'same shit, different location' with young children.
OP you're doing amazing to have made it on holiday. You only had a baby 9 months ago! Don't put pressure on yourself - whatever you have to do to survive - do it. Even if that's pinching anything your son will eat from thr buffet and letting him eat it on the move - who cares!! You need a break - take it whatever way you get it.

ps it does get easier (I have a 7 and 4 year old)

OP I just think you have to completely change the meaning of the word “holiday” when you have young kids. It’s not a rest from work or routine, it’s a hard slog. But it’s a slog in a different place, so your kids have new experiences and see new things.

I’m a single parent so it was always just me and the kids, and I found holidays exhausting. But I enjoyed finding places and activities that the kids would enjoy, and I loved seeing them discover new things. We live in the midlands, so just paddling in the sea was exciting for them.

One of my kids was a runner too, so we always did self catering holidays, because I knew that managing his behaviour in a hotel would be impossible.

You just have to work with what you’ve got, and structure the holidays to match your children’s personalities. I’m afraid it sounds as if you and your husband had your own agenda and expected the kids to fall in with it. Sadly young kids aren’t always that compliant!

I know I’ll be slated for saying this, but as older parents you’ve had years and years of lovely relaxing holidays pre kids. Now you’ve got a few years of just sucking up the stress! I’m an older parent too by the way.

It gets easier, although moaning teens can be a challenge on holiday too!

What makes me really sad is you are on here at your wit's end trying to find solutions, what are your husband's suggestions? I understand he has panic attacks, but really if he is a thinking intelligent being holding down a job he should be able to contribute some ideas. You are both parents, but you are doing all the heavy lifting.
PS my husband and I had our children in our 40's so age is not a factor I recognise.

I think we have unrealistic expectations of children at big times of the year, holidays xmas birthdays etc
It's really easy to feel disappointed as at these times you hope they will change their behaviour to show how much effort and expense it has taken and behave gratefully. The reality is they often dont until they are older. I can't see that your DS behaves in restaurants and doesn't run off at home so holiday won't be any different. These behaviours need to be embedded at home if you expect you expect them. Start small with short restaurant trips and make the expectation clear before you go, dont set your child up to fail by making the first few restaurants somewhere you know it will be quick service, child friendly food etc and dont hang about once done! Offer the choice to sit nicely on a chair before forcing a high chair.
Natural consequences are the best teacher but you have to have nerves of steel. If you run off I won't chase you...... every child always remembers a time they were or thought they were lost.
I do remember when one of mine used to fight to not be in the cars seat, it literally took every move I had to get the buckle done, one day on the drive I just said OK then you stay here, I stood them on the doorstep, got in the car and I drove off up the street. Of course after a minute parked up the street I came back but they never did it again!
I do think kids clubs need to be secure but if your child is an expert escape artist then it was always going to happen.
Stick to short staycations until you're ready for abroad.

I know I’ll be slated for saying this, but as older parents you’ve had years and years of lovely relaxing holidays pre kids

It is unheard of for me to be this rude but how stupid is this?

Do people actually think that we get to 42 and think ‘actually we’ll have a baby now’ or do you not think sometimes it’s things like previous serious illness, infertility (which means a lot of the time there are no lovely relaxing holidays as all your money goes on IVF) not meeting a partner until very late in life (and hopefully you won’t need me to explain to you that living as a single person, even well paid, isn’t a cheap option) and other things, not many of which align very well with lying on a beach.

It is a really stupid and ignorant thing to say. I know MN can be ridiculous about older parents (and younger ones) but some of these comments are absolutely appalling.

@rainbowshoes I also said I am an older parent. I didn’t meet my partner till I was mid 30s, then had many years of unsuccessful and devastating IVF before finally conceiving, after which my partner left me. But during my 20s and 30s I made the most of my child-free holidays, and although it felt like a rather pathetic consolation prize at the time, on reflection it enabled me to not feel short-changed when subsequent holidays where totally child-orientated.

I couldn’t care less when you had your children. It is nothing to do with me at all. I’d like to think that you don’t actually think that because you had some nice holidays in your 20s and 30s everyone who had a child at 40 plus did, but your above comment makes me think you do.

What a sad thread. We loved holidays with the kids when they were small. Still do now they’re adults, one with their own child.

The children won't remember a thing about holidaying abroad. At that age day trips or two days camping. It's all the same. Better to stay home. Relax, chill & day trips. Going abroad is a bit like keeping up with Jones's.

Our kids are 3.5 and 2, they are not half as complicated as your son, and my husband and I came back from our last holiday absolutely knackered! I'm already dreading the Christmas break away with family...

Unfortunately I think it's just a difficult age, and hopefully it will pass. I don't have advice regarding your son's behaviour because these aren't issues we are having.

But for things like restaurants - we would only go and eat out once or twice throughout the holiday. It's too busy, too many distractions, too many temptations for them to run around... We prefer self-catering places, and sandwiches/picnic type meals for lunch.

The holiday club - is it really going to work out if one of you is there? My children have no issue going to nursery every day, but would go nuts if we tried to put them in holiday clubs in a setting they are not familiar with. If we're there, then they would cling to us anyway...

Is there anything else you could do with him instead? It's going to be quite repetitive after a few days.

I think you need to have low expectations and try to make things as easy as possible for you, and them.

There are a few miserable gits on this thread. I can only imagine their headspace to feel the need to be so negative and bitchy on a thread looking for help. Probably mad jealous that you are on holiday.

You and your DH sound like lovely parents, who were stressed out after a scary event and a generally very stressful time. It can be hard to think on your feet at such times.

on the other hand, the kind and useful posts reflect mumsnet at its best. Collective wisdom and experience to come up with practical solutions.

@rainbowshoes I’m sorry I’ve upset you and I’m sorry you’re struggling to understand what I’m saying. I won’t post on this thread again, so you can have fun slagging me off without worrying I’ll come back. Enjoy!

I do think you have to manage your expectations as a good holiday / day out / family meal looks very different with young children.

I agree you have a DP problem. The fact you even packed for him makes me think that’s he’s use to you managing everything and he just get to dip in / out when he feels like it.

What can you do to make your holiday more enjoyable for the remainder of your time? Take it in turns to get breakfast or one goes in and orders and the other joins when DS when it’s ready. Is there a quieter time you can eat? Do you have colouring in, cards for snap or similar you can occupy him with. Can you allocate time together and then time each with DS for a mixture of everything?

DS was similar at that age. We accepted that those sort holidays just weren't going to feature in our lives for several years. You can't sit down and relax together and then just resent it. We go on outdoorsy holidays and walk. We just keep DS moving and all is well 🤷‍♀️ just is how it is.

The only other option was constant tag teaming so one of you could chill and I never really enjoyed that as the whole point was being together as a family, we do enough of that getting through a normal week.

I haven’t rtwt but, is your kid like this at home? It sounds to be like he’s usually allowed to faff at dinner time and run around etc? The issue here isn’t the holiday or the hotel, it’s the behaviour. I always took my kids on holiday and it was never like you describe. What consequences are there for him when he’s run away from kids club etc? Why does he think it’s acceptable?

You haven’t upset me. Ignorance doesn’t particularly bother me as it’s a reflection on you, not me.

I’m not struggling to understand what you’re saying. You said as older parents you’ve had years and years of lovely relaxing holidays pre kids

Do not patronise me and make out my poor comprehension skills are the issue here. If you meant something entirely different to what you said above, by all means, tell me. In the meantime I’ll assume you meant that older parents had years and years of lovely relaxing holidays pre kids, since that is what you said

Some of these comments are so sad and so negative.
We are older parents (47 and 49) with a 7 and 4yr old and we're certainly not knackered or past it.
And all the people who don't find their children enjoyable, who find foreign travel pointless with them or expect a holiday lying on a sun lounger while the kids get sent to a kids club.

Our 2 have been holidaying abroad since 7mths old, they've enjoyed beach holidays, city breaks, theme park centered trips, long haul, and even 2.5wks backpacking round Europe on an Interrailing trip a couple of months ago. We absolutely love it, it's our favourite thing to do and certainly exploring the world could never be described as pointless.

OP i hope things improve for you, our only trip we found tricky was a Europe pool holiday at a certain age when the littlest was a runner, we just abandoned the pool and found a long flat beach where she was safer. You do have to arrange the holiday around them, we find holidays with lots of activities and things to do to be the best for those ages. Aquariums, zoos, theme parks, and definitely abroad so the unpredictable UK weather can't scupper you.

If I were you,I would take hotel holidays,especially abroad, out of the equation. Get a nice self catering cottage in Scotland or Wales .That way you can drive there at your leisure and your wee boy won't be as overstimulated! Maybe somewhere with lots of walking/running. Streams for paddling. Hills for climbing . Offer picnics, rather than sit down lunches and breakfasts. Your little lad has a shed load of energy . He needs to have a chance to burn that off. Tell your man if he doesn't pack his own clothes hes going Au natural ! Baby is getting a bit bigger now. Would you not consider cutting some of her breast feeds. Maybe just to bedtime and early morning! Just to give you a wee break. You seem a bit overwhelmed! Perhaps even just stay home and have lovely days out. Take care.

It's too late for this holiday but ds was a climber as a toddler and I spent hours looking for a suitable holiday apartment. I found one with an 8 foot wall around the back veranda/garden, it was totally secure. So worth it as we could relax then. We wouldn't have had a moments peace otherwise.

Age is completely irrelevant

It’s really not, there’s a greater chance of older parents having ND children

@BerryTwister

@BerryTwister

“I know I’ll be slated for saying this, but as older parents you’ve had years and years of lovely relaxing holidays pre kids. Now you’ve got a few years of just sucking up the stress! I’m an older parent too by the way.”

don’t get this… it’s like saying ‘oh you’re had 38 years of weekends - you don’t need anymore now”. you can’t just bank previous holidays from your late twenties or whatever and expect them to sustain you in the here and now of shitty non-holidays which are all about the kids to the exclusion of everyone and anything else!

OF COURSE a family holiday should mean that EVERYONE gets to enjoy themselves not just the kids ..you could argue it’s even more important for the adults seeing as they.are the ones that need the relaxation after working all year to support the family

Yet many, many parents who are younger than average have ND children. And we don’t even know if the OPs DS is.

I think this is true. More recent research suggests older dad's are more likely to have children who are ND.