Holidays with young kids just not worth it? Holiday from hell incoming…

[Welshinlondonmum]

Myself (F45), DP (M47), DS (3-nearly 4) and DD (9Months) are on day 2 of 11 night holiday and I’m already at the end of my tether and wondering are holidays just not worth it with young kids?

DS just runs off and doesn’t look back. He’s always been a runner and we’ve tried everything - reigns, refuses to sit in high chair, pops out of buggy that we brought to try and contain him. This morning I’ve had to wrestle him into chair to get breakfast in him, being stared at by others disapprovingly. Eventually got so cross I shouted at him as last night he cried for 20 mins before bed he was starving - when he refused to sit down in restaurant and eat! He’s also dairy intolerant so we have to wait for his food to be made, which doesn’t help. He escaped from kids club this morning. We were thankfully sat on loungers outside, but I jumped up to chase him and slipped on wet tiles. I’ve really hurt my back as a result and can’t lift or chase him now. Already dreading a night of breastfeeding in a hotel bed when my back in agony like this.

Also livid as I booked this holiday as they take kids from 3 at kids club but they don’t lock the door. Myself or DP will have to stay with him at every session if we want to give each other a break, which I was so desperate for. Last night he escaped kids disco and can also open hotel room door from inside, so having to barricade ourselves in with suitcases as there’s no way to keep door child safe.

We’ve been on at least 8 holidays with him since he was born and this could be the worst so far! I thought with age he would calm down a bit.

DS caring and loving and generally well behaved in childcare but really pushes it when in a busy environment . I’m firm and try to have consistent boundaries, stay calm but DP has a short temper and ends up frustrated and angry. To be frank, I don’t blame him, but this just adds to overall stress. DS just doesn’t stop moving - typical boy x10. He also has a mild tic and Dr has suggested potential ADHD, but says we must wait till school to refer when he’s older. But it is challenging and we are at a loss how to do ‘normal’ things.

DD (9M) is lovely but attached to me constantly- cries minute I put her down and squirms when dad holds her. Combo feeding but she’s in with me feeding all night off and on, so sleep is lacking. I was also up till 4am packing to leave at 10.30am. I just managed a last minute bikini wax at 9am on 3hrs sleep. Husband annoyed I left this till ‘last minute’ - Plus now I’ve unpacked I’ve realised I’ve got 3 tshirts, 3 pairs of knickers and several dresses that don’t work for breastfeeding whilst I managed to pack for both kids and husbands! My clothes order and underwear currently say in next which I had no time to retrieve :(

DP and I already arguing over sons behaviour and generally sniping about how he hates the stress of holiday. But I was desperate for a break but this is far from relaxing.

DP saying he cannot cope with DS and is physically shaking from his behaviour and keeps saying he’s going to have a heart attack!! I literally feel completely overwhelmed. Both miserable!

I know people on here will say I have a DP problem but I’m literally just looking for some kind words of advice on how to deal with son right now in this All inclusive hotel that is not set up for young kids, despite the reviews to the contrary. I’m trying to salvage the holiday and not feel like a hormonal, breast feeding, frazzled mum who’s completely overwhelmed with the worry of 9 days of this! praying it all calms down soon and we find some calm! Is this possible with 2 young kids?

Thanks if you’ve read this far! Please be kind - any advice?

Not a popular opinion but I think having a baby when your partner was 46 is a bad idea in itself. A friend of mine had a baby with a man of 50 and he has no patience at all with their children.

My first reaction was knowing he's a runner to put him into a kid's club with strangers in a foreign country! Ours was so this was never an option, basically ever.

Yes that is indeed unpopular! Having a baby in your 40s, never mind partner, happens more than you seem to know. We are perfectly capable of being good parents and much fitter than some nieces and nephews in their 20s, have earnt to provide for every need and have so much experience. We also help with one who got pregnant at 15 and can't cope, take the baby, now toddler for days out along with our young child, on holiday, look after.

46 too old to parent, really???

I didn’t say too old. It’s my opinion that people in their mid to late forties don’t have as much energy as younger people. Hardly a ground breaking idea.

Spend some time with your child instead of packing him off to childcare?

Exactly what I was thinking. I'd be on the brink of a heart attack at my age with a child that's a flight risk, especially near a pool in a strange place.

I gave up on hotel holidays abroad after a hellish one with dd. We did caravan parks in uk until she was older where we could drive to loads of fun stuff in the day and then chill in the evening. The travel, pools they could fall in and having to eat out constantly were a pita when she was little.

I bet he has ADHD and ASD.
Doesn't sound like you plan on getting a diagnosis any time soon, which is pity because early intervention makes a world of difference.

Sounds like your DH has ADHD too.

Can you do dinner in your hotel room so it's less stressful? Maybe on the balcony if you have one? Lunch on the loungers by the pool? Just make it more casual than formal dining experiences? Let him snack loads. He's 3 years old and at that age they seem to survive on a bite of toast and banana-no idea how!
We've just been on holiday with our two under 3. We stayed in self catering apartment and had picnics on the beach, breakfast and dinner at home and strolled down to have ice creams out after dinner. We did have dinners in restaurants a few times but packed so many toys and those magic marker packs and we took responsibility for a kid each and entertained and distracted all the way through and ate really quickly. But managed to keep them at the table and also hiding under the table for most meals and on one meal, we took turns to walk one or both of them whilst we tagged teamed eating - sometimes kids just don't want to comply. It's all practice for when they can sit for longer in a few years. Think it must be so dull for them, they must think I've eaten, why are we still say here?

Ours was a runner too. Something changed six months ago and now he doesn't run anymore. Things shift, don't be so hard on yourself or him. Do what you can to simplify your holiday, use the iPad if you need to distract him. Hope the rest of the holiday gets better.

I hear you. I’ve been you. I send you reassurance that it gets better. We had a holiday like this and I realised something which has helped me every holiday since (DS now 6 DD now 3). Family
holidays have incredible bits. Bits you’ll remember for years to come. Bits that make your heart sing. They also have bits that make you think you’ll explode with the overwhelm or horrific ness of it all. And want to cry. Or actually cry.

but that’s life. It IS ups and downs and holidays are no different. Holidaying with a BF 9 month old is just feeding in a different place. Without your night light and usual set up. So mix up your routine. All get in bed together in the morning. Put son infront of the tv or iPad. (It’s his holiday too). Just have no rules except survival. And enjoy not having to do the washing on top of it all.

it does get better, I promise.

also, the kids will be in sensory overload at all the change. Give them a few days and it will improvexx

i think holidays with under 5’s are just hard. It’s just parenting in a different location with less facilities. I kept trying with the foreign holidays as well but ultimately center parcs was the best holiday for us at that age.

you can only try and make the best of it.

Exactly this. Holidays (or most things really) with young kids are absolutely shit. They are not holidays at all!

We stuck to short, local breaks with all of ours until they were about 5 when they could do what they were told and didnt cry all the bloody time!

OP hopefully you survive the rest of your time on holiday and it gets less stressful! Skip foreign holidays for a few years or leave the terrors with granny next time!

Really? How about wording it like: "sounds like he does have ADHD, you don't have to wait for school to get a diagnosis - here are some other ways to go about it as early intervention can be so beneficial."

Shes already been to her GP who has given the advice to wait. It's not like she's ignoring it as you seem to be suggesting. She's clearly mentioned all this as she's aware of a problem and hopes for advice about her particular situation. So why finger point? What purpose does it serve? How about encouraging someone and giving them solutions instead of simply accusing them of lack of effort? That doesn't benefit anyone.

Struggling to understand this one. When you're 50, your patience just flies out the door? All men aged 50 won't have patience with a child? What about women? I see plenty of people at younger ages both men and women shouting and screaming at kids. Surely it's a personality thing?

This is like saying "you can't say you're finding anything hard, because you knew before you had them that kids would make life harder". So basically negating the need for things like mumsnet. In addition, this particular situation doesn't sound like it's about the average child does it?

Your main concern here is your son. He is suspected ADHD so that in itself is a challenge for him and you. He is out if his routine and totally overwhelmed and over stimulated. I am a mum to an autistic and ADHD 7 year old and he will also run when in situations where he is overwhelmed.

Try feeding him when the restaurant is quiet or take the food back to your room. As for kids club, talk to the staff and explain the situation. My little one goes to kids club on holiday but only after I asses it and talk to the staff. Previously we have taken him to see them in-between sessions so he can get used to it then he attends with everyone else.

Try explaining what is going to happen when to your son. Split the day into what you want to do and giving him time out of busy places and time to burn of energy by running around somewhere.

The holiday can work but you have to make adjustments.

I find holidays where my kids have constant access to water extremely stressful. They're not in any way a break for me, I'm on high alert the whole time, right next to the smaller one and trying to keep the bigger one in my eye-line. I refuse to go to fancy waterparks etc. unless we have one adult per child.

What works better is holidays where there is a pool but it can't be constantly accessed. So we go swimming for a couple of hours in the morning (with a lifeguard present) and that's it. Then we have lunch and a rest in our accommodation, kids watch some cartoons, and then we do more activities later in the afternoon, feed the kids and go out for adults' dinner and kids' ice cream. That's the most restful formula I've found for a family holiday so far.

Places where kids aren't safe give me the rage. I stayed in a mobile home at couldn't be properly secured on the inside, my 2 year old at the time could have let himself out (we were staying at Devon cliffs so you can imagine the worry). I had to sleep in the same bed as him on the outside so he wouldn't get up wondering around without my knowledge. When we stayed in Thailand when my son was 4 my husband's friend booked us the penthouse of this local hotel we would stay at every time we went. It was about 4 stories high and the window was low down had no lock. My son could easily have opened it and fell to his death. We had to baracade it somehow with furniture and once again I slept next to him literally clinging to him lest he got up and opened the window!

My husband is 53 we have a child who is a flight risk

47 is three years away from fifty. It really isn’t in one’s dotage.

I am 45. I have one child who is five in December and a second who turned two in August.

Yesterday we were out of the house from 9 in the morning to gone five. The children like being outside and we all have more energy for the fresh air. I didn’t realise I was supposed to be collapsed, exhausted, on a sofa somewhere!

I know you posted for advice now that you’re there. But honestly, I don’t think you’re going to find a magic bullet for this situation. It is what it is and you either cut your losses and go home early or tough it out.

it sounds like you’re learning the hard way that holidays with children those ages are more hassle than they’re worth. I also made the same mistake of buying into the fantasy of a lovely few hours lounging by the pool while the DCs tired themselves out at the Kids’ Club, followed by nice family dinners at a sea side restaurant while baby slept in the buggy. Ha!

After one particularly horrendous week in a caravan in Wales I decided that was it and I wasn’t going to bother trying to go on holiday until the DCs were older. We didn’t go away again until the youngest was 5 and then we had an excellent time.

I’ve been in your situation and stuck it out to the bitter end. But knowing now what I didn’t know then, I would just come home and spend the rest of the holiday staycationing. Why make life harder?

It sounds like both your son and possibly your DP have ND issues and so you’re going to have to learn to manage the disappointment gap between the fantasy holiday and the reality of taking them out of their routines and overwhelming them with stimulus.

I also cannot believe that you packed your partner’s suitcase. That needs to stop immediately. A grown man of nearly 50 should be able to throw some pants and t shirts into a bag for fucks sake.

@OhNineFiftyFour surely there is a middle ground, though!

We have been to Center Parcs (many times!) and had cottages in the Lake District, wales, Shropshire and other places. They’ve been lovely and the children have really enjoyed them as well.

And it DOES get easier. We went to Center Parcs in the Lake District for the Easter weekend, when DD was about 20 months and DS was four and I optimistically took a book. I didn’t even look at it. Went again (to Sherwood) at the start of September and in the intervening five months things were a lot more settled and I did get to do some reading and relaxation in the evenings. Also walked to the nature reserve with DD in the pushchair and she napped and I just sat and enjoyed it (while DH did some Land Rover discovery thing with DS!)

Obviously if we didn’t have the children we wouldn’t go on a holiday like that but it was still so enjoyable and not just in a ‘because the kids like it’ way. I love nature and wildlife; DH loves activities and outdoor pursuits, we all love swimming and who doesn’t love pancakes …

It’s very rare anyone will even accept an ADHD referal before 7 years old.

Adjustments shouldn’t be based on diagnosis, although we know it is. But there is nothing stopping the OP for putting adjustments in place now. I would strongly suggests she does that now.

I think there is a middle ground if you and your DP are a solid 50/50 team. I can see how that could work. I bet your DH knew how to pack his own suitcase for a start.

In OP’s case (and mine - whole other thread!) it sounds like the man-child partner is not exactly proactive in helping to manage the situation.

When you’re breastfeeding a nine month old and wrangling a toddler in a hotel in another country, you really do not need to be coaching your partner how to parent (or even pack a suitcase!) on top of all that. Picking up the slack of a dead weight partner is the most exhausting aspect of the whole thing.