Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

[JanineR]

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

Does your fiance have a relationship with them? You only mention your issue with his family. If you have children are you going to prevent his family from seeing them? Sounds like you've gone out of your way to be unkind. Time to take a good look at your behaviour and change it before its too late.

You have done nothing wrong. You have chosen who you want, your fiancé has chosen who he wants. End of.

Reading your other posts it’s clear she hasn’t been a mother but wants all the glory of the title. And of course it’s your fault, otherwise she’d have to admit her failings as a mother.

I wouldn’t give it another thought. If I was your fiancé I’d be saying she needs to cut the drama or don’t come to meal after.

Nothing you ever do will be good enough. Life will be easier and less stressful without them.

As soon as I read you had 2 guests and he had one, I knew your two guests would conveniently be your whole family. It’s sly to hide behind “oh well we only wanted a room that could hold three people” when conveniently your family can be fully accommodated in that way and theirs can’t. At least grow a spine and own the fact that you chose to exclude their mother.

The added details about their relationship and the tiny room make it marginally more reasonable, but still unreasonable. You could have paid slightly more for a bigger room but chose not to. If the relationship between your partner and MIL is so bad, that should have been addressed properly already rather than the wedding causing problems.

You’re free to choose who to invite to your wedding. But choices have consequences and your MIL being upset she wasn’t invited to her child’s wedding is a fully predictable and reasonable one that you need to own.

I don't know why everyone is piling on the OP. She’s said multiple times that her partner decided not to invite his mother due to abuse within the family. Maybe instead of the OP being the manipulative, evil woman, her MIL just wasn’t a very good mother.
It’s strange that the OP is expected to mend the relationship in a way that doesn’t seem to be expected of her fiancé. No one’s saying he needs to disinvite his aunt and fix it — but the OP has to disinvite her sister and fix it.

So just invite them. Are you seriously saying your wedding location only allows 6 people? I find that very hard to believe.

Did she say that? Ive only read 1st 2 pages and not seen that response but if so then why even put queation on here. The 1st post wasnt the clearest of the situation and info seems to be drip fed.

You could as mil what she suggests as its only 3 guests (which is a very bizarre number by the way- is it in a cupboard?) If she has no suggestion then the "both mums and 1 aunty" idea seems best. Id be appalled if it was any of my children but Id probably help find somewhere with more guests. There wont only be 1 other option. Gretnas cheap.

Yes. There was abusive behaviour from the OP’s fiancé’s stepfather that the MIL allowed. There was also some unkindness from the MIL toward her son when he was growing up. I agree that there is a bit of a drip feed.

Are you catholic? You can get married in a catholic church if only 1 of you is catholic so you shouldnt have to wait 2 years. I married a non catholic in a catholic church as did my mam and my nana and my daughter.

Also I'm not sure that Catholic churches will do a wedding ceremony for a couple that is already married. I think that you can get a marriage blessed during the mass but not like a big do over of a wedding.

It's perfectly fine for a couple to be very non-traditional when it comes to getting married but it's still a good idea to be informed about wedding traditions. It makes it easier to anticipate and manage the expectations of others with more traditional ideas of what a wedding should be even if you don't agree.

It seems a large part of the issue has cropped up because of the choice to have two different ‘weddings’ - with the smaller one being very ‘exclusive’ - which is really ripe for putting people’s noses out of joint, in a very big way, for a very long time. Why on earth do people do this??

I don’t understand the desire to have multiple different wedding days - it seems to crop up occasionally that people have a secret / small actual wedding ceremony, then a bigger ‘fake’ wedding at a later date. Is it part of the whole ‘bridezilla’ movement, where the ‘wedding’ becomes the most important thing, compared to the ongoing marriage?

If the relationship / dynamic between your partner and his mum is difficult (but not that difficult, as she was invited to the meal?), then the best thing to do would have been to have just had one wedding, which could have been larger, and then his mum is just one amongst many guests. You should think very carefully about how to manage the witnesses / signatures - maybe have two neutral friends sign, if your partner can’t face having his mother sign.

Lots of threads on MN highlight the potential for weddings / stag / hen do’s to be completely divisive - and cause major rifts between friends and family. It’s just not worth it, people!

I know someone that wanted to do their wedding ceremony in a very unique way that meant it couldn't be a legal marriage ceremony in the UK at the time. Their solution was to have a legal registry office wedding early in the morning.

There wasn't any malice intended but they really upset their parents by not having them as the witnesses. To them it wasn't a big deal, the later ceremony was what they considered their real ceremony but the parents they felt that they were missing out on seeing the moment they got married.

It's very easy for people to do their own thing and take for granted that everyone else is on the same page.

What on earth is a micro wedding?
Are you getting married in a broom cupboard!
To have a small wedding is fine, to exclude grooms mum and sister, especially his mum is being totally unreasonable and cruel.
There would have to be a very good reason to exclude a parent , like abuse or lost contact/absent parent.
Possibly too late now but booking a room that allows only 3 guests, if that's what's youve done, was batshit. But your fiance should have ruled it out and insisted his mum and sister could attend.
Can you give up one of your guests so groom has 2 and you have 1 so that you both have close family excluded? Given size of your family's that would be fairer.

@JanineR

Goodness!

Sorry OP that you’re getting such a hard time on here. Yes, sure, info about the relationship between finance and his mother would have been helpful in the OP, any many of us, including me at times, have responded on the OP alone, not necessarily go through all the updates. But, easy to overlook at the time.

Essentially, future MIL is facing the consequences of her actions, (or maybe more inactions in this case). Your partner chose the adult in his life that he is closest to. Quite right.

Sadly, it sounds like you and your future hubby are going to have to develop a thick skin, very firm boundaries, and a few responses that you may end up using on repeat.

I hope the day goes well! Try not to let anyone else’s issues ruin it for you or your hubby.

It sounds like your new husband needs a lengthy chat with his mother

My word 🤦‍♂️

The reading comprehension on MN never ceases to amaze me 🙄

I lost count of how many times it was clarified that OP didn't choose the aunt, her partner did. And even how many times OP has clarified that she offered MIL her sisters spot but the MIL refused

No idea what i hope to achieve reiterating that though, as if people cannot comprehend it from OP, what chance does anyone else saying it have 🤷‍♂️

If your DM is going to be there his DM should be too.

Either have all the close relatives or just take friends as witnesses.

It's a kick in the teeth for your mil and sil for you both to invite your mother and sister and his aunt while his own mother and sister are not! but you know this already -it feels like you're revelling in getting your own back. In the absence of a backstory of them being unkind etc to your fiance, he should invite them. But then you admit The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. So I am guessing you manipulated him into inviting his aunt and not his mother and sister, and they probably know this. Deep in your heart you know what you've done. I think I would judge him as a future partner if he did this to his mother and sister ( in the absence of a backstory of abuse etc).

You haven't read all of OPs posts have you?

As someone who does not get on with their family I would take the lead from your OH. For my last wedding we had a small wedding and partly chose the location so my Mother would not attend. My sisters and dad attended! Have a fabulous day!

Of course they are upset - a sister could understand being excluded but a mother ! That is such an insult that at least you won’t have MIL problems in future

I’m not blaming OP for this, although she’s complicit. I’m blaming her fiancé. I think it’s a deliberate sucker punch to his mother. I have read the posts indicating that she failed to protect him from abuse and has been unfriendly towards OP but he should address this with her directly rather than use his wedding as an opportunity to get back at her. Either her behaviour has been so unacceptable and continues to be so unacceptable that he can’t have a relationship with her or he should have chosen her as his guest. He really needs to talk to his mother and take responsibility for his choices rather than let her continue to put all the blame on OP. I don’t think anyone could fail to see that replacing his Mum with his Aunt would be hurtful.

The main issue I’m failing to understand is why you’re being blamed by his family. This was the grooms choice. He needs to own it with them, otherwise this doesn’t bode well. Marrying a coward/avoider never ends well.

See I take a different slant on this. If my son didn't invite me to his wedding I think I need to ask myself why.
I think it's on me to be important enough to both the people getting married to want me there.

I don't think you get a free ride to relationships just because you gave birth to someone.

Overall on this thread, it's clear that you and your soon to be hubby dropped the ball here. Your witnesses should have been the two Mothers and that's it. You talk of your soon to be hubby being baptised and having a Church blessing of sorts in a year or so time. Yet the first Blessing in the 10 Commandments tells us to Honour our Mother & Father. This doesn't mean seeing them all the time and being doormats to parents, but to forgive your Mother (not forget.) & show your Mother some level of respect and consideration. Regardless of the step father being abusive (it's fairly common unfortunately that many women choose thier partner over thier children) It's the litmus test in Faith. ....many can't forgive.