Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

[JanineR]

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

You are not at all in the wrong OP. Please don’t let this woman sully your wedding - she shouldn’t be allowed to take that from your future husband along with everything else she put him through

It sounds like an awful lot of poster's replying to this thread would be exactly the type to rush to blame their DIL in this situation completely ignoring their son's agency in the decision or examining why he might have made it.

OP, invite two friends, one each, both mothers or two strangers. Stress early on in a marriage is going to really affect you and your DP and they won’t let this go for years to come

Is he close to his mum and sister usually? Are you worried they ruin the service for some reason? They will never believe you weren’t behind this even if you’re not

Gosh, I can’t believe this is the only thing you’ve taken from my response.

It sounds like the son hasn’t told his mum that the stuff that she considers OP’s fault is actually his.

While the reasons why they don’t want MIL are understandable, it’s difficult to understand why they’ve been blindsided by her anger. If keeping the peace was their tactic (MIL and her son are clearly not NC) then it should have been aunt and the mums who were at the ceremony. If OP wanted her sister there then she should have insisted that they wait so that a few extra could be invited.

You have both fucked up here; both mothers should have been invited and then one other person. As you've had issues with his mother previously, this exclusion has tipped it in to the point of no return. So even though you've tried to rectify the situation it looks like she's an after thought, which she is. So now this looks even worse than before, it was an extremely short sighted gesture on both your part.

My dad got married and turned up on my doorstep with his new wife. Felt like I'd been stabbed in the chest. Took many, many years to heal. Who's idea is it? If it's your partner then get rid and don't look back. If it's your idea then you probably need therapy.

You’re being incredibly naive to not think this will have thrown an absolute grenade into the family. Did you really both think his mum would be ok with not being invited.

it makes it worse that it was about the cost of venue hire, you’ve excluded his mum and sister for the sake of £160.

Op Id tell everyone you have cancelled. Then just go and get married with two strangers as witness

I also think the concept of ‘not being able to wait’ until they could afford a bigger room is ridiculous, considering it is just a month! Maybe if it was a year that you needed to wait to save, you could see why someone would say, let’s just get married now with a smaller budget. But not being able to wait a month??!

Also, OP didn’t respond when I asked how much the outfit and shoes were costing. I suspect this whole issue is less about the money saved, and more about thoughtlessness.

I think people are missing the point that it’s YOUR wedding. Your partner picked his aunt over his mother or sister. Coupled with the fact they constantly exclude you, I can absolutely see why you wouldn’t want them there on your special day. I can imagine since your partner didn’t immediately say he wanted them there, he probably doesn’t like the fact they have done this to you either?

Since they’re kicking up a fuss I would uninvited them to the reception too but maybe I am just petty.

Look forward 30 years into the future and would you really be happy about being excluded in the same way by your child & future spouse?

Really think about this because you both have caused a massive rift in the family by prioritising one side of the family over the other. Either none or both of the mothers should have been invited but not one over the other.

Even though you've invited her now, it's too late because the damage has been done.

God these men need to grow a backbone.

If I said to my husband “let’s not have your mum to the wedding/to the hospital to see new baby, oh but my mum is coming” he’d tell me I was bang out of order and wouldn’t go along with it.

It’s your and your partner’s special day, so the guest list should reflect what YOU BOTH want. You can invite as many or as few people as you feel comfortable with, being family or a parent doesn’t automatically guarantee an invitation. Your MIL is entitled to be upset but that’s as far as it goes, you didn’t need to, but did offer an alternative that she declined, she should really let this go now and stop guilt tripping you.

Outrageous you’re having your own mother and sister there and not his. A really bad way to start a marriage and there’s NO reason you can’t have his family there too. It’s a horrible, nasty way to treat your MIl you claim excluded you at Christmas and now you’re not letting her see her own son get married. I hope you have a son one day. You can’t claim it’s because they ‘excluded you’ and then do this. Your husband is a wet wipe for even allowing it. And I can’t think of anyone that should be invited more than his mother. Foul.

It’s genuinely concerning and if it was the other way people would rightfully be querying coercive control and abuse. She can have hers there but he can’t?

You are building up big family trouble for the future

I thought he wanted the aunt there as he has a bad relationship with his mother due to abuse he suffered as a child. That’s what OP said, at least.

Of course his mother will be upset and for a very long time. Not only is she not invited to the wedding but you/he chose to invite his aunt instead. What sort of wedding venue can only accommodate 3 guests? I'd change venue.

Yes his mum and sister should be included, as yours are

How could the woman who gave birth to him and raised him not be top of your list? Or forgotten about, it’s not some long lost cousin, it’s the womb he grew in, I would tell my husband your mum is coming we are not doing this without her.

Her fiance chose to exclude his mum not the OP. Then when she said she could come instead of her sister MIL behaved like a child saying I'm not coming now.
Honestly I couldn't be bothered with all the drama and would block her and let your DP deal with it.
She wasn't a good mum from the sound of it, I think she's lucky to be included at all.

Your wedding. Your rules. If that what you both chose to do. Dont feel bad because others dont like it.

If you can’t understand why this would be a problem, then I don’t think anyone can help you understand

You have your mum and sister. But he's not allowed to have his. Not a great start to married life. Watch out if you're planning on having children as hey may just not be supportive of you both. Invite them. For your DF. Do it quickly.