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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

492 replies

JanineR · 17/10/2025 15:18

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/10/2025 23:32

YANBU

It's so easy for those who haven't suffered with in-law issues to find you unreasonable! My in-laws were not invited to our wedding. They hated me. They were put out that they weren't invited, yet hadn't invited me to any family event since we got engaged, and made it clear when we got engaged that they hated me and tried their very best to stop DH from marrying me. They are fucking unhinged.

There was no way I was having people who openly hated me at my wedding! It's such an intimate moment and there wasn't a chance I'd want toxic people like that there!

I don't see anything wrong with your plans @JanineR Of course they will be blaming you, and it took me years to stop taking things my in-laws said and thought about me to heart, but try to just let it wash over you. Once you no longer give a fuck about what they think, your life will become so much happier - promise x

Weenurse · 18/10/2025 23:36

You have done the right thing supporting your partner and his choices.
It sounds like his Mum won’t be a great loss in your life if either she or your partner chooses to go no contact 💐

saraclara · 19/10/2025 00:08

If you were already non-contact, then it would be okay not to invite her. But clearly he's been maintaining the relationship with his mum, so this will have been entirely unexpected and she was hit with a bolt from the blue. That would have been agonising.

If he wanted to treat his mother this way, then he should have had the guts to cut himself off from her before now. You don't choose your wedding as the moment to give your mum a completely unexpected F* you, and expect her to get over it.

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 19/10/2025 00:23

TheHairInClaudiasEyes · 18/10/2025 21:29

So your mum and sister were at the top of your mind but your fiancé’s never registered with either of you? Yeah right. You both excluded them intentionally. Both of you were mean, two immediate family members would have made little difference to your micro wedding.

Show quote history

Would you want someone who allowed their partner to abuse you at your wedding?
The mother should have protected her son when he was young and then I expect she would have been invited.

Nearly50omg · 19/10/2025 00:23

Then HE needs to make it clear to his family that it was HIS choice to not invite his mother and sister to your wedding then

Gardengirl108 · 19/10/2025 00:34

You keep saying that his family are blaming you for this but haven’t said if your future husband has set then straight - that it was his idea?

Dandelionsarepretty · 19/10/2025 00:34

*We really don’t see the ceremony oat as the biggest part of the wedding, hence why we were so taken aback at the reaction. We want to have a ceremony in a church in a couple years time when my fiancé is baptised which we would invite everybody to. Hence why this wedding is so tiny

If you really felt this way about the ceremony you wouldn’t be getting married at all. Which one of you came up with the idea of a second wedding in a church?

You both sound bonkers.

AliceMcK · 19/10/2025 00:37

CoralPombear · 18/10/2025 21:54

Dear OP’s husband to be, RUN!!!

You do realise it was OPs husband to be that didn’t invite them, not op?

nunsflipflop · 19/10/2025 01:14

JanineR · 17/10/2025 15:52

To be honest I wish we thought of doing it that way sooner, just inviting strangers instead. We really don’t see the ceremony oat as the biggest part of the wedding, hence why we were so taken aback at the reaction. We want to have a ceremony in a church in a couple years time when my fiancé is baptised which we would invite everybody to. Hence why this wedding is so tiny

Show quote history

Our nephew just eloped and told no family at all. They are planning a bigger ceremony in the country that his DW comes from in a couple of years, by which time they will have a baby. I don’t see the point of that in all honesty. We sent a card and a gift when we were told but we won’t be going to the ‘pretend’ wedding if they ever get round to it, most of the family have said the same thing. No one is hurt that they got married that way because we were all treated exactly the same way.

His DM is hurting, she won’t come now and I’ll be surprised if she comes for the reception.

Redragtoabull · 19/10/2025 01:23

So you decided your people input, your now DH confirmed his, he should be posting this question not you.

whimsicallyprickly · 19/10/2025 01:29

His mother and sister weren't excluded intentionally??🤣

Of course they were excluded intentionally. He chose his aunt intentionally which intentionally excluded his mother and sister

And of course you'll get the blame. It's inevitable especially as you don't get on with them very well

Why does your husband to be get to call all the shots about when and where you get married?

You've walked straight into a nightmare by allowing him to make all the decisions

I had a tiny wedding. 2 x sets of parents , 3 x siblings (from both sides) , 1 x 5 year old neice

FlorenceB19 · 19/10/2025 01:46

Forgive me if I'm mistaken.. however, I am left wondering how long have you been in this relationship? & why the sudden rush to get married?

Are you both youngsters without any financial resources?

andthat · 19/10/2025 04:51

Weenurse · 18/10/2025 23:36

You have done the right thing supporting your partner and his choices.
It sounds like his Mum won’t be a great loss in your life if either she or your partner chooses to go no contact 💐

This!

the responses on this thread are wild!
@JanineR if as you say this woman stood back and allowed her son to be abused by her husband, why the hell would either you or your fiancée give a shit about the tantrum she’s pulling?! Why are you so keen to forge a relationship with this woman?!

the7Vabo · 19/10/2025 05:50

JanineR · 17/10/2025 15:58

No, we were presented with 3 options. The smallest room was the cheapest hence why we chose that one. We can’t add any more guests, otherwise we would.

Show quote history

You excluded your MIL for £160. I don’t see how that could ever be reasonable.

Janicchoplin · 19/10/2025 07:16

I'm quite shocked at the level of animosity directed at this lady.
She explained that the fiance's family have taken a dislike to her from the beginning.
She's explained that there was abuse in the family long before she met him.
It looks like the mil likes to blame her regardless of her son taking full responsibility for the decisions.
Yet you too are all blaming this woman.
I see a lot of people in this chat that have personal issues going on and are taking it out on her.
Take a good look at yourselves and wonder why your dripping vitriol at this lady that just wanted to be understood in a hateful online forum.

To op. This is both your wedding and it seems like you chose who you wanted he chose who he wanted. And that's all that matters. If he wanted his mum he would of chosen her. You not thinking about her is obviously testament to your lack of relationship with her.
It takes two. And if she has a history of being quite nasty to you then why would you want to be around her!

I personally struggle to see how the marriage would work if you

  1. Don't suck it up and deal with the issues with his family. I mean "ok mil what is your problem with me" and get it over with. Or
  2. Cut them off.

Good luck however you do this

Janicchoplin · 19/10/2025 07:26

saraclara · 17/10/2025 15:56

If course she was excluded intentionally. It was hardly an accident. You chose someone else instead of her, while including your own mother and sister. That's as intentional a snub as can possibly be imagined.

I would be devastated in her place, as would any other mother, I'm sure.

Show quote history

You are looking at it from the only perspective you know.....yours.
Drag yourself out of your own bubble of importance and see it clearly from OPs perspective. I feel you have ignored her information and gone immediately on the attack.
I hope you develop a relationship with your childrens partners based on them and not you! Because half the issue with in laws is they think they are entitled.

Atsocta · 19/10/2025 07:38

It’s your wedding invite who you like, don’t fall into the must invite trap

Twiglets1 · 19/10/2025 07:47

Invite who you like, yes.

But also deal with the consequences of hurting the feelings of close relatives.

Lyraloo · 19/10/2025 08:30

Fast forward 20+ years and your child doesn’t invite you to their wedding. How are you going to to feel? To be honest I think you’re both total a*holes. You are starting your marriage off on the wrong foot with your in laws and moving forward you will be blamed for everything. Not sure you don’t both deserve it, I think there’s a lot of pettiness going on here.

MeAndTheDoggo · 19/10/2025 08:46

‘ That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony‘

I think the use of the word my in this sentence suggests the problem. That and you say you got 2 witnesses and he got 1. Who were yours?

MeAndTheDoggo · 19/10/2025 08:49

Apooogies OP. I’ve re-read and I retract this post I’ve made. I get what you mean. DF’s auntie seems like the sensible choice. It’s a shame it’s only 3 as it’s an odd number

MeAndTheDoggo · 19/10/2025 08:51

MeAndTheDoggo · 19/10/2025 08:46

‘ That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony‘

I think the use of the word my in this sentence suggests the problem. That and you say you got 2 witnesses and he got 1. Who were yours?

Apooogies OP. I’ve re-read and I retract this post I’ve made. I get what you mean. DF’s auntie seems like the sensible choice. It’s a shame it’s only 3 as it’s an odd number

Viviennemary · 19/10/2025 08:51

Yabu. You are making it quite clear you dont like them much and they ard not wanted. Why should they even bother with you in future. Dreadful.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 19/10/2025 08:52

Theresabatinmykitchen · 17/10/2025 17:21

So why invite his apparently awful mother to any of the wedding at all? And what about sister? What’s her crime?

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This is clearly not the main reason anyway - if so it would be a very clearcut choice. Instead OP is going between the fact that it's not an important part of the day/it was cheaper/we changed our minds and invited them after/it wasn't intentional and now we feel bad...

JayJayj · 19/10/2025 09:24

Hellinnnnn · 17/10/2025 15:36

This is so bizarre. If I’m honest, my biggest fear is that my DS will have a relationship with the kind of person who has grievances and grudges and is manipulative around events like this. Why can’t your 8 meal guests go to the registry office and witness the wedding? Why have it emotionally charged and complex and dramatic like this?
I would be devastated if my son invited my sister and not me to his wedding!

Are you ok? How is the husband choosing the aunt OPs fault? How is she manipulating him? It’s not her fault that he isn’t close to his mum. It’s the mums fault.

I can just see you being a “boy mum” whose a future wife is “taking your baby” 🙄