Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

[JanineR]

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

Tbh i think it’s pretty disgusting but shows the measure of you both thinking its an ok way to behave. One day you’ll be a MIL hopefully you get a better daughter in law than you clearly are

I’d be devastated to not be invited to my
sons wedding. She’s his mum!! Unless they are estranged, this is just cruel. He’s her little boy. If I were your mum I’d be insisting grooms mum is there, it would be awkward afterwards. Also this is never fixable and could affect mother/son relationship forever. Imagine in 25/30yrs you’re the excluded mum at your own child’s wedding!!!

Did you actually read the thread? The bit where his mother did not protect him from his step fathers abuse? And he had to live with his aunt? Who he considers more of a mother figure than his actual mother? What about that cruelty?

Affect the mother/son relationship forever? Its a bit late to worry about that, and its on the mother.

Don’t worry - I’ve got an amazing DIL that includes me in everything x

Of course you should have invited his mum.

Unless his mother has been abusive I cannot fathom what kind of person woukd not invite their own mother to their wedding. Three guests should be both mothers and then a toss up between your sister and husband aunt . One day you might give birth to a son who on the most important day of his life shuns you for an aunt . I hope the aunt isn’t his mothers suster because that would be rubbing salt into the wound

Difficult.
I can see both sides as I am currently the 'parent'.
Our DD is marrying next year and having a big reception / party with a 'fake' wedding ceremony and then doing the legal real wedding later with no guests.

Personally, I couldn't care less about the big reception but would far rather attend the small real wedding but they want that to just be about themselves and no one else. Their choice, but a pity as far as I'm concerned.

I read the original post, but not all 16 pages on the thread.I don’t have the time! This info wasn’t in original post!

Sorry OP, but I don’t believe that.
It didn’t cross your mind to invite his Mother instead of his Aunt?
Also how much more really it’s going to cost to invite her?
It all seems quite mean ( and intentional)

Your day, your way (which is a relatively new, hyper individualistic approach to celebrating marriage but which is now sadly the norm) but I think it is divisive and hurtful to do this, unless there’s a massive backstory, to quote a PP.

But he wants to be. That's why they're waiting for the church ceremony.

Opposite in mine, I adored my paternal grandmother and had very little to do with my maternal grandparents. Even as an adult I moved to my maternal grandparents city, I probably saw them a handful of times in 3 years but called my paternal grandmother daily, in the days before mobile phones, I used pay phones. I also travel from one end of the country to the other to see her every 6-8weeks.

It has nothing to do with being part of the maternal or paternal side of the family and everything to do with what kind of relationships people have with their children and grandchildren.

Op has already filled this in. OPs DH was abused by his stepfather while his mother stood he and never protected him, the aunt took DH in and looked after him, he considers his aunt more of a mother than his real one.

Do it right then theres no argueing and fall outs

Its in the updates! People need to at least read all the OPs posts before commenting.

Also

Your day, your way (which is a relatively new, hyper individualistic approach to celebrating marriage but which is now sadly the norm) but I think it is divisive and hurtful to do this, unless there’s a massive backstory, to quote a PP.

This is not what is happening here. You need to read the thread properly before weighing in, as you are implying that a son whose mother was complicit in his abuse is in the wrong for favouring the aunt who gave him and home and protected him.

Whatever you do at a wedding, someone is always upset / offended. You and your finance should just do you and roll with it. Those who love you will be happy for you and those who choose to be offended won’t be. DH brother and nuclear family cut us off after our wedding because they didn’t agree with how we did things. Their choice. Those who love us stay with us. Don’t overthink it and just do what will make the two of you happy.

I'm really dubious about the drip feed. It contradicts what OP said in her first post, and I can't help bit feel that the drip feed is manipulative and the somewhat exaggerated.

Possibly so. But there is enough about it which sounded genuine to me... Whatever the ins and outs, it makes me nuts when people comment without at least reading all of the OPs posts. Because then they come in saying stupid stuff. And projecting their own situations onto the threads. And putting the boot in.

Hey op it’s understandable mil and sil are upset but it’s your dp choice so just do it if there not nice to you accept he’s actually putting you first and if he left home as a teenager they couldn’t have been decent people so have your wedding and enjoy it and be respectful of his choices.

Cannot believe what I read!!You have invited your Mum and sisters but not his Mum and sister!!
And why has he only one guest?
No wonder they are hurt and upset. He is her son for God's sake!!
He doesnt sound much of a son anyhow.
What a brilliant start to married life!!Not!!

Your husband-to-be not having his mum at the wedding is bizarre.

It should not be your decision which of your fiance's family to invite. It should be his. If you took over, YABU. If you didn't and it was his decision, then you should not be blamed for it. A little odd for him not to invite his mum, unless there's a backstory- but it seems that there is.

Your fiance wants to exclude his mother for the sake of £160? I get that he's angry with her, but saying that it's about the money is daft.

It's ok, he is not obliged to do anything. You don't have to accept any blame emotionally that comes your way. You and he don't need to smooth things over. If pushed, a straightforward statement will do from him 'I accept that you are hurt. Family life and relationships have not been straightforward for any of us. If you would like to be at my wedding reception, then I would welcome that. If you want to decline, that's not what I want but I accept your choice.' Step out of this drama triangle, refuse to be cast as the victim or the baddie or the rescuer. You all have power and can be assertive, are all responsible for the things you are responsible for, and can all be appropriately vulnerable without need for defensiveness.

We got married with no guests, only 2 witnesses. We chose my mum and my MIL because we figured they would be the two people most upset not to be there.