To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

[Porkyyorkylass]

I went to a dear friends funeral last week.
service started at 1pm. One of his daughters was there when I arrived saying hello etc at about 12.45ish. However his other two daughters were nowhere to be seen. They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests. They didn’t look particularly upset or distressed so I don’t think that was the issue. I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned. At the wake again they just sat on a table chatting amongst themselves with their husbands and made no effort to mingle - again didn’t look particularly upset. I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral. Also, I felt a bit sorry for the youngest daughter who clearly was making an effort and had to essentially ‘host’ alone. Maybe I’m being a prude - what do people think AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

Are you aware of what the relationship was like? Maybe they weren’t close?

This is why we didn't have guests at my father's funeral. Because we weren't willing to perform for others and just wanted to go through it quietly with close family.
Mini funerals all the way

Imagine going to your dad's funeral only to be asked immediately afterwards why you were late (you weren't) and then shamed on here for not being upset enough or chatty.

At my DH's funeral I put on a brave face and "hosted" properly. Welcomed and thanked everyone, made sure everyone had food and drink. If anyone felt I was able to do that because I wasn't really upset...

Any funeral I have attended, family arrive with the coffin in the funeral cars, or i their own cars but they leave the home at the same time as the hearse and follow it (with some slight delays if the funeral procession gets stuck at lights) so they will never be there before the guests.

So judgemental!
Everyone grieves differently and it's actually none of your business.

Some people hold in their emotions in public and prefer to grieve privately.

You have no idea how they feel based on how they look at the funeral and wake.

But most of all, it's actually none of your business.

FFS leave them alone to grieve. The last thing you should be doing is critiquing how rubbish they were at hosting you and how they weren’t mingling with guests and making the guests feel at ease. It’s their parent’s funeral. Of all days they get to be however they want. The only rude person in this scenario is you.

I've always been last to arrive as family because we're following the coffin? Unless it's different in England now.

It's useful when you've an undertaker to tell relatives these things as people just don't know otherwise.
I do agree with you about the family needing to mingle.

This.
The family arrive with the coffin and proceed to the front pews. All guest already in place.

Wow OP, you were the rude one.

I've never expected to be 'hosted' and fussed round while attending a funeral. Especially not by the close family members.

This! It's standard for close family to follow the hearse. Guests can - and should - arrive well ahead of time to avoid the disruption of latecomers; so family will always arrive after they do.

You’re not being a prude, but you are coming across as very rude.

At DHs mums funeral he def didn’t ‘mingle’ with his mums friends, ex colleagues etc. Talked to family of course.
And as per the undertaker’s instructions, immediate family went in last.
But whatever, imagine judging someone who’d just lost their mum!

None of your business at all. Stop judging people

You’re horrifically entitled expecting anything of grieving children.

Maybe they hated him and didn’t actually want to be there

Seems like in the minority here in agreeing with you. Maybe not so much arriving at the chapel first, the family usually arrive last but they should have spoken to and thanked everyone for coming at the wake.

Shame on you for asking if there was traffic. I hated the thought of people judging me at dd’s funeral and didn’t do things in a traditional way - but honestly, I couldn’t care less what people thought of me!

I’d expect immediate family to arrive last.

Their arrival should be a short while after the last other mourner, and then the coffin.

So if other mourners Don't arrive sufficiently early, then the family will appear late vs the starting time.

Woukd expect them to leave first, and have someone doing hand shaking either on departing the service or arriving at wake. I wouldn’t expect best hostess skills at wake. That’s what venue staff are for.

Perhaps he was a good friend but a shite dad, how would you know, either way it's not your place to make these judgements and I can't believe you made a passive aggressive comment about traffic, now THAT is actually rude.

You might not be a prude, but you're a judgemental wagon! Watching them to see whether they seemed upset enough to justify breaking the arbitrary rules in your head about manners. They were at a parent's funeral! And you had the gall to question them about it? You're a horrible person.

Judging mourners at a funeral? That takes a special kind of empathy lack.

I have been to many funerals, including my dad's this year. Family have always arrived after the other mourners as they follow the coffin.

Then family usually leave first and stand in a line to speak to people who want to give their condolences.

It's usual for guests to want to comfort the bereaved rather than complaining about how they reacted in the face of grief.

Your post is the reason I hate funerals. Why does there need to be such a 'show ' of grief. Its awful.

When my parents die i wont be hosting anyone, unlikely to talk to anyone at the funeral & will just want to be with my family - DH & DC. I hate the whole show of a funeral that people like you expect.

The worst funeral I've ever been too was for my mil. The whole thing was a performance with loads of people there my DH didn't know, who wanted to have small talk with him whilst he was trying to grieve. It was terrible & none of us felt anything other than relief when it was over so that we could actually grieve rather than talk to about 100 people who we didn't know or want to speak to whilst trying to ensure out 2 very young DC at the time were OK. Couldn't feel like we could show any emotion as so many people there were watching us.

I wont ever do the whole shaking the hands thing as people leave thanking them for coming as quite frankly ill be too upset & couldn't care less if they were there. Funeral sare for the living & those closest too them left behind shouls never feel any obligation to behave in a certain way.