To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

[Porkyyorkylass]

I went to a dear friends funeral last week.
service started at 1pm. One of his daughters was there when I arrived saying hello etc at about 12.45ish. However his other two daughters were nowhere to be seen. They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests. They didn’t look particularly upset or distressed so I don’t think that was the issue. I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned. At the wake again they just sat on a table chatting amongst themselves with their husbands and made no effort to mingle - again didn’t look particularly upset. I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral. Also, I felt a bit sorry for the youngest daughter who clearly was making an effort and had to essentially ‘host’ alone. Maybe I’m being a prude - what do people think AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

How many funerals have you been to OP!?
I’m old enough to have been to a fair few and family arrive with the coffin, or if they’re driving separately wait outside until the undertakers arrive. Other mourners go straight in leaving front seats for family. Never have the family been there before the coffin in my experience.

Everyone does what they do at funerals.

As long as it’s kept pleasant with no rows, then it’s all fine. No one has to mingle🤷‍♀️

At my DH’s funeral, I was totally out of it. I couldn’t have cared less what others were doing. 😒

Somebody is being incredibly rude and disrespectful here and it's not the sisters who didn’t display their grief or host the OP at the funeral of their father in the way she deemed appropriate.

This.
Also, it is not up to the bereaved family to mingle. It isn't a cocktail party.
The etiquette is usually to make sure the bereaved family are seated comfortably, have food and drink, and the attendees make the effort to go and speak to them and offer their condolences.

So you’re using your friendship with the dead woman to take a position of indignant moral superiority from which to judge her daughters’ behaviour at her funeral? Even though you don’t seem to understand funeral norms (primary mourners arrive last, and their job is certainly not to bustle about being ‘good hostesses’) and you had the unspeakable rudeness to try to make one of them account for what you thought was her poor timekeeping? At her mother’s funeral? And noting twice that they didn’t look upset?

I’m fascinated by why you think you have the right to come on the internet and complain about two women who are grieving a possibly complicated relationship?

My God, I can’t believe you said that to them. How passive aggressive. If you’re the kind of person he was “dear friends” with I wonder what sort of chap he was and what sort of relationship he might have had with his daughters.

Some people are incapable of being on time for anything. Maybe one or both of them are such people.

I don't agree with discussing it there are then though.

Any funeral one been at the family arrive last, their entry is a sign that the service is about to start.

In terms of mingling, I think it depends on what family are able to cope with. Whether they look upset is neither here nor there - funerals are hard and sometimes you just can’t face speaking to random people who may have been close to the person whose funeral it is, but not to the wider family. They are there to grieve their loved one, not to entertain you.

I hate when people say people don’t look too upset- you see a snapshot- for all you know they’ve been inconsolable and pulled it together or are talking about their loved one. I get you may be close to the person who died but don’t minimise other people’s grief, and also people are late t on things, doesn’t mean a thing except life didn’t give them a break on the day they were burying a family member

I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned.

This was code for 'Mind your own business, nosy'.

No they bloody shouldn’t. The friends should be providing support to the family not the other way around. I didn’t mingle at my son’s funeral and I couldn’t give a shit what anyone thought about it. My only priority was my children. When people are grieving the last thing they need is being scolded for not observing an etiquette that is outdated.

You spent the whole funeral of your 'dear friend' watching and judging his kids, and declaring they weren't upset, and now you're online seeking validation about how awful they are, when you were the one making digs at them during their own dad's funeral.

He, very evidently, wasn't a dear friend at all. And you're a nasty piece of work.

I think the family of the deceased are the last people you need to be judging. They are not on showz to be wheeled out to meet and greet. They have having one of the worst days of their lives and should be allowed to get through it whatever way they can without being gossiped about and judged for not doing it right.

Immediate family usually arrive last with the hearse.

Kept to themselves at wake? I've known friends/family too devastated and overwhelmed to manage a wake, ive known those who sit in a corner and manage to nod to those who express sadness. I've known those who found it really helpful to attend and share stories or attend and listen. And all in between.

Let everyone grieve and do what is right for them. Don't judge. Show compassion.

Very sorry you've lost your friend. 😥

I agree with this. In the UK this is what normally happens.

Gosh you’re very judgmental aren’t you

This reminds me of my grandfathers funeral, where loads of his "friends" turned up, who in reality were just lonely old folk who wanted free food and a chat. They seemed to view funerals as an afternoons outing rather than a place for family and friends to say goodbye.

Again, no they shouldn’t. I will never apologise for not thinking of of other people’s feelings at my son’s funeral. If ever there was a time for
me to be selfish it was then. The only exception to this was my children.

@NoTouch is right, I think. At every funeral I have been to, the immediate family arrived in the cortège, so were last to arrive. At some funerals I have attended, the rest of the mourners have waited outside, then followed the coffin and the family into the chapel. At the funerals of my mum, my dad and my MIL, the rest of the congregation were already in the church/crematorium chapel when we walked in behind the coffin.

@Porkyyorkylass - I think it is unfair of you to judge these women based purely on their demeanour at the funeral, and their arrival time.

The comment about not thanking people for coming is odd. Most funerals I’ve been to either have a message in the service booklet or the person giving the eulogy says it. That should be enough - people don’t need personal thanks. It just puts more pressure on the family.

Family arrives last because they escort the coffin. I never expect anything of family members and it is in poor taste to criticise like this.

Absolutely no one expects someone who is grieving to bustle about being hostessy at a funeral.

Sometimes the bereaved will nominate someone far less close to the dead person to do logistics stuff on the day, but the attendee complaining about not being offered enough canapés, or the expressions of the immediate family can just fuck right off

At both of my parents' funerals I was shell shocked for want of a better word. I functioned but really wasn't in the frame of mind to be social with anyone I didn't know (not very many). Thank god for BIL who managed the whole thing.

I'm not saying they were like that but still affected none the less.

What a load of crap. No it isn’t and personally I think it is the height of bad manners to judge someone who is grieving. Let’s get this straight. My son was very well loved and I’m very grateful for everyone who turned up but as I was the only one who carried him and brought him into this world then damn right I’m going to be selfish when nature decided to be a twat. It was other people’s job to support me and my children and partner NOT the other way around. No I wasn’t going to just suck it up.

I think you were rude to basically ask them why they were late. That's none of your business.
They have just lost their father you have no right judging how they"behave" at his funeral