To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

[Porkyyorkylass]

I went to a dear friends funeral last week.
service started at 1pm. One of his daughters was there when I arrived saying hello etc at about 12.45ish. However his other two daughters were nowhere to be seen. They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests. They didn’t look particularly upset or distressed so I don’t think that was the issue. I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned. At the wake again they just sat on a table chatting amongst themselves with their husbands and made no effort to mingle - again didn’t look particularly upset. I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral. Also, I felt a bit sorry for the youngest daughter who clearly was making an effort and had to essentially ‘host’ alone. Maybe I’m being a prude - what do people think AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

Having lost a number of close family we have always travelled with the hearse and come in just before the coffin with guests already there. Only time we were almost late was during Covid for my Dad when we couldn’t do the hearse and roadworks caused an issue, but virtually no guests were allowed.

As others say, you don’t know the relationship, or if they just don’t want to talk to people as they are too emotionally drained. Stop shaming them online.

Surely you're not a guest at a funeral?

Exactly. When DP's mum died, the turn out was huge as that woman couldn't make the 5 minute walk to corner shop without having ten conversations! We were last into the funeral as we followed the hearse.

At the wake DP used me as a human shield when he needed a break (this is murasaki, you haven't met her, etc) and his sis did similar with her DP while they took a bit of fresh air or checked on their dad. The Sis's DP and I get on very well so tag teamed. Our sanctuary was a table of friends there for the siblings, so we occasionally retreated for a chat and a glass of wine.

If someone had moaned afterwards about not having been treated as the guest of honour, not one of us would have had a shiny solitary shit to give.

Oh, we were late as the hearse got stuck behind a bin lorry in a narrow road. In the car behind, it lightened the mood as we all agreed she would have found it hilarious.

They had one relative doing greetings. Maybe the rest of them didn’t feel up to it

I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this

With the best will in the world, OP, and how can I put this? Funerals are for the living. I’m sorry for your loss of a friend but the reality is that your friend has died and can’t be embarrassed or upset. Nor is it your place to take on the mantle of embarrassment and upset on his behalf.

Your friend’s daughters’ behaviour jarred with your feelings of loss, perhaps, but that’s a private matter for you. Your loss should not find an outlet in criticism. Perhaps their behaviour in some way highlighted to you that you no longer have your friend around.

Did you not like them before this?

We had a guy in a BMW pull out between the hearse and the mourner’s car. No way for him to turn off for about three miles. We were in stitches.

They will have had their reasons. Your friend probably didn’t deserve the respect of his daughters. He might have been a great friend, but that doesn’t mean he was a great father.

AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

You know what I think is incredibly rude and disrespectful? Turning up to someone's funeral and then bitching and sneering about his grieving daughters for not being sufficiently performative for you.

You felt 'embarrassed for your friend' because you think he wouldn't have liked it? How the hell do you imagine you know him better than his own children? And don't you think he would be 'embarrassed' if he knew his supposed dear friend was all over a public internet forum slagging off his grieving daughters? Because that's not what I'd want from any 'dear friend' of mine.

Seriously. This is one of the most obnoxious posts I've seen on here in a long time. Honestly, it's repellent.

FWIW, my dad died last month. We didn't even hold a funeral - he didn't want one. I also 'wouldn't seem particularly upset' to anyone who saw me in public. That doesn't mean I'm not absolutely fucking devastated. It means I do my visible grieving in private instead of feeling like I have to put on a show for judgemental onlookers like you.

Ouch, I bet he felt awful, but nothing he could do. Same with the bin men. They did lower their heads at us while stopping for each bin which was nice, but we were all giggling. Even DP's dad cracked at about the third bin stop. It really helped, actually.

I think it's fair to assume that your friend knew his daughters better than you did, and also that his daughters knew him better than you did.

It's not your job to police their family relationships, particularly after he's gone.

Meh, I agree with you OP BUT people often don't know how to behave at funerals. It's quite normal to get into your 40s and 50s and never have attended a funeral. And, people don't know whether they're social events or solemn quiet events. You know, these two daughters didn't.

They knew what it was for them. What a random friend like the OP knows is irrelevant.

Imagine someone quizzing you about traffic at your parents funeral.
Bet you were as subtle as a sledgehammer.

I can't believe you brought their arrival time up with them. Could you not control yourself?

I mean, it's not like she berated them - she asked them if they'd got stuck in traffic, she heard their answer, she moved on. She's now come to an anonymous forum to ask if this is normal or if she's being unreasonable in thinking those two sisters could have been more gracious to the people who turned up to their father's funeral. I don't see any major crimes in any of this. I would have had the same thoughts (probably wouldn't have bothered coming to MN about it though). It's not a big deal.

To my mind, it's exactly like a wedding: people have turned up to watch you wed, share in your joy, celebrate your future. The least you can do is thank them for coming even if your head is spinning with the admin and people pulling you in a million different directions and trying to actually enjoy your day.

God social obligations...some people really do hold stock in conforming to these expectations. Even funerals are an opportunity to judge and disapprove.

So judge. So disapprove.
It doesn't matter.

You just dont know the full story.

At my Mums funeral the celebrant was late! I had literally just looked at Mums coffin as the funeral directors said they couldnt wait any longer and had to start - so I said to myself...right Mum, big girls pants on, Ill do it! Luckily as Id written it in collaboration with her best friend I knew it all well.

....and then the celebrant ran around the corner!

Ive known her for years so knew there had to have been a big issue. There was her car had broken down. So...unless you know, just assume it was something they couldnt have helped.

I’ve never attended a funeral and had any expectations of the bereaved what so ever. It’s often one of the worst days of their life seeing their loved one arriving in a coffin and being taken away for cremation or buried in the ground. If anything, it should be about providing support and care for them at a traumatic time. The idea of judging someone for not ‘mingling’ is completely absurd to me.

I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service

You were unbelievably rude to them.
You should have kept your mouth shut.

You have no idea what their relationship with their father was like. You have no idea how they were feeling on the day. Maybe it was all too much and they didn't feel up to socializing with various guests and it was easier for them to stay within their small family circle.

"They didn't look particularly upset". How the fuck do you know how upset they were feeling inside? Perhaps they had taken some medication before the service to help them get through it (I know a couple of people who were so distressed at the thought of attending their parents' funeral that they went to the GP for help to make the day easier).
And even if they weren't upset, that's none of your business. Could have been a difficult relationship. Could have been a long drawn out dying process where the feeling was of relief once it was over. Could have been a sudden death and they are still in shock.

Total main character vibe from the OP.

you aren't a guest. they're not hosting anyone. Its a funeral, and a wake.. and any wake, you show up, eat the food, drink the drinks, chat to other people, remember the dead, and leave. At no point are the grieving family responsible for 'hosting' you. At best they're trying to avoid flying to bits and breaking down in public/keeping a brave face on it.. it is NOT their job to 'mingle' or entertain people like you, or anyone for that matter.

My dads funeral was hell. i felt like i was in a glass box being stared at the whole time, i remember very little of it, my brains tried to wipe it, but i remember how horrible it was.. thinking any of my dads friends who attended might have secretly been judging my behaviour disgusts me.

You were incredibly rude. Not sure who the hell you think you are, but judging how the immediate family behave, grieve, and choose to attend (or not) their fathers funeral is the epitome of bad manners.

Are you sure its not you who doesn't know funeral etiquette OP?

They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests

I expected "dashed" is subjective but apart from that it's all as it should be. Family take their seats first, coffin follows (sometimes family follow coffin, but the funeral director advised against that for us, as it means everyone's craning round to "see". Chief mourners lead the way out of the service and at the reception, its the other mourners who approach to offer condolences, not the other way around.

I hate funerals so much. But I’ve had more than my fair share of family funerals. I hate having to publicly be expected to show grief, I hate having to talk to anyone when a loved one has died, I hate having to hang around and thank people for coming. I absolutely hate wakes and pretending to be ok while everyone reminisces and makes false promises to keep in touch. I also hate paopke who go to funerals for fun and judge everyone else there, which OP you sound very much like.

if these people appeared “late” and exited “early” they probably did it for all those reasons and you’re questioning was well below par.

not everyone enjoys being the centre of grieving attention.

YABVU.