To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

[Porkyyorkylass]

I went to a dear friends funeral last week.
service started at 1pm. One of his daughters was there when I arrived saying hello etc at about 12.45ish. However his other two daughters were nowhere to be seen. They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests. They didn’t look particularly upset or distressed so I don’t think that was the issue. I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned. At the wake again they just sat on a table chatting amongst themselves with their husbands and made no effort to mingle - again didn’t look particularly upset. I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral. Also, I felt a bit sorry for the youngest daughter who clearly was making an effort and had to essentially ‘host’ alone. Maybe I’m being a prude - what do people think AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

I've been to a LOT of funerals.

At the crem, due to the fact there is one funeral after another, friends gather outside, and family arrive with the coffin. When the chapel is empty from the previous funeral, the undertaker indicates it is time and the coffin is taken in, followed by immediate family then the friends follow in after that.

Where there is a separate Church service, friends (+ colleagues, neighbours etc) tend to go into the Church leaving the front couple of rows for family. Family then arrive with the coffin and follow the coffin in to Church.

So, in neither scenario do the family arrive early and 'welcome people' IME.

I mean, where they are able, it is common practice to try to speak to people afterwards and thank people for coming, but it DEFINITELY isn't the place of anyone to go and tell them off, or criticise them in any way

What is the matter with you ?

You acted like a dick.

Also I don’t cry at funerals because I completely and utterly shut down. I don’t like having to show emotion in front of 100s of people, no doubt of who I don’t even like or want to speak to. I very much doubt I’m alone here!

so there you go.

I think this is possibly the most judgemental, knicker hoisting post I've ever read on here in a strong field.

I've never been to a funeral (and I've been to lots) where the family aren't last to arrive, following the coffin, so I have suspicions this is rage bait. If it isn't, the problem is you OP.

Let people behave however they wish. Maybe they can’t cope with the social aspect of it all. The worst part is when people come over and say how wonderful the deceased was, it sets you off all over again. Let them sit at the table and have a drink.

It was THEIR Dad, not yours, back off.

I will not be comforted by this if my mum dies before me. I have nightmares about people from a club she helps with saying how fab she is and me having to bite my tongue. I will be employing a friend/my husband to intercept people.

The reason I say if she dies before me is because that's what she says. Which in itself is a bloody odd thing to say to your daughter.

I don’t think it’s anything like a wedding. Weddings are joyful events where people have often gone to significant expense to come and celebrate with the couple. And it’s about that couple so naturally they will thank the guests that they chose to invite, most of whom they will have a connection with.

A funeral is most often a day of sadness and devastation that bereaved family members just need to get themselves through however they can. And it’s about the person who has died. Attendees aren’t guests of the next of kin in the same way they are guests of the bride and groom. They are there alongside them to mourn and pay their respects. The burden of organization of the funeral and refreshments for attendees is carried by the family at a truly horrible time. If anything, I think the onus should be on attendees to ensure the close relatives are taken care of, not to expect them to chit chat with people they might even barely know or not know at all. Usually if you approach the bereaved to offer condolences, they will respond with thanks for coming but I don’t think it should be an obligation to speak to every person and add to their burden.

Your head spinning with joy at getting married is very different from your head spinning with grief at losing a loved one.

Can’t imagine I’ll feel like being hostess with the mostest when my parents die

But if they'd said yes I am devastated we were late and started crying as they felt so bad would that have been better? Is that what op wanted, to upset them?

Poor form op to use that to get a dig in at them. They probably just said what they did to get you frothing even more. I would have done.

NRTFT but have you always been such a judgemental dick? I'd have told you to fuck off if I got the slightest whiff you were thinking that when I turned up bang on time (I'm a chef and as a final thanks to my beloved DF wanted to cook the wake) at my DF's funeral.

It's not a wedding

Unfair of you to judge. I hate talking to people I don't really know as I find it awkward and uncomfortable. I would not put myself out to talk to people at a funeral and actually didn't at my father's funeral. Frankly I didn't worry about it. It was difficult enough as it was without making small talk with a bunch of people who I didn't know. If they truly cared then they would understand that I had to do the day my way.

Yes, I can see that. I think it might depend on the circumstances: the funeral of a child or an unnaturally young person, the funeral of someone who died in tragic circumstances (etc - no need to list the possibilities) is very different from the funeral of an elderly person who passed in their sleep after a long and good life. The latter falls more into a celebration of a full life lived well; the former is a time to support those shocked and bereaved at a time of extreme emotion, and a degree of emotional incontinence has to be pretty much expected. One can understand that hosting duties would be the last thing from a person's mind at such a time.

Perhaps I just have the most recent funerals I've attended in mind, both of which were more celebratory of full and long lives, rather than others earlier on which sadly were the opposite. I took OP's statement that the sisters didn't seem unduly upset or distressed at face value.

Whenever I have been to a family members funeral we have arrived after the coffin as we all waited on the road and drove behind it to the church / crematorium.

When my DF passes away (hopefully a long way off yet!!!!) I’ll be so devastated that I won’t want to talk to anyone. And I don’t care what anyone else thinks about that.

It is absolutely not like a wedding and OP had a dig with the traffic comment.
Most people don't come foe the family but for themselves to funerals. Let's be honest about it

It’s not a social event, they do not need to host or mingle. They are grieving their parent. They can behave how they want and shouldn’t have to perform for you. If anything people should have been looking after them, not the other way round

I do see your point but I suppose we can’t ever really know how someone is feeling. I probably seemed fine and even quite jovial at the funeral for my deceased parent. In reality, I was beyond devastated and emotionally dissociated to cope with the horror of it all.

I don't think that's true at all: funerals are for the living, people go to express their condolences to the bereaved and sometimes to share grief as some people find comfort and solace in other people (although many don't). If you're mourning for your own loss, you don't do it at a funeral - you do it in your own, private moments which can go on for years after the funeral.

A Wake is not held at a funeral,it's a period when the departed used to be at home and someone was awake to watch over them. Agree,you were just judgemental.

This illustrates why I'm so glad that 'no-nonsense' cremations are becoming a thing now. My mum died when I was young, and when my dad was still a young-ish man (38). Despite him being in bits and with a shitload of other stuff to sort out he was still expected to host a little grieving party for a load of people he barely knew a matter of weeks after she died. I'll stop there before I say something uncharitable.

Thinking about this a bit more had made me feel really sad and angry. I hope the OP is actually a bot trying to generate a Daily Fail story as I can’t believe anyone would be so unkind.

I went to a funeral this week with my teenage DS, of one of his classmates. One glimpse of that coffin and his utterly distraught parents and I literally could not have told you if they were on time or half an hour late 😢

Literally the only words I could think to say to his DF were ‘we are so sorry’ and afterwards wished I could have thought of something better to say 😢

Judging judgey judge judge.

I'm sorry for your loss, and your grief.

I think that was the point the OP was making: did you speak to anyone at your parent's funeral? Thank them for coming? Exchange a few words, receive condolences? I imagine you did as you say you seemed fine and even quite jovial. These two sisters did none of the above. Death affects everyone to some degree, if only because we are forced to confront mortality which we spend most of our lives avoiding. It's okay, I think, to expect a base level of "hello, thank you for coming", or eye contact, or shaking hands, even when we're devastated and mired in grief. Some expectations (nobody needs me to set them out), but this didn't seem like that sort of funeral.

It's not a big issue, I don't want to flog it. I really do think it's more about our cultural relationship with death, and a wider issue of manners/ social expectations etc.