To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

[Porkyyorkylass]

I went to a dear friends funeral last week.
service started at 1pm. One of his daughters was there when I arrived saying hello etc at about 12.45ish. However his other two daughters were nowhere to be seen. They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests. They didn’t look particularly upset or distressed so I don’t think that was the issue. I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned. At the wake again they just sat on a table chatting amongst themselves with their husbands and made no effort to mingle - again didn’t look particularly upset. I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral. Also, I felt a bit sorry for the youngest daughter who clearly was making an effort and had to essentially ‘host’ alone. Maybe I’m being a prude - what do people think AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

You're being an unpleasant judgemental person. What a
shame you can't find it within you to be kind and compassionate

The attitude of some people at funerals is astonishing. A couple of days after our mother's funeral in a Berkshire village church, we went to her house and discovered an anonymous recorded message on her house phone. It was some woman berating my sister and I for not announcing the funeral date in the local paper, since she claimed to be a friend who would have liked to attend. Then, apparently warming to her rant, she proceeded to.say she had heard the refreshments following the service weren't up to much anyhow and how our mother would have been ashamed that it was nothing more than tea and a few sandwiches. In actual fact we had gone on to a private memorial for family and closest friends at the crematorium (duly mentioned on the order of service!). Only after that, had we organised a buffet lunch in a nearby pub because most of that group had travelled quite a distance to be with us. Apparently there are such people, who will turn up at any funeral simply for the free refreshments. IMO that's sick enough, but while the family is still grieving, to leave a voicemail like that is positively evil and shook us up for quite a time afterwards.

The vast majority of funerals are public services, anyone can attend. The gathering afterwards, in whatever form it takes, is also open. The people paying for the fuberal and gatgering usually have an approximate idea of numbers.
And yes, family follow the hearse and follow the coffon in

OP I can't believe your audacity at asking if they were stuck in traffic. Erm....just a touch! They were stuck behind a very slow moving HERSE that their Father was in.

Agree - unbelievable really that op asked the bereaved about traffic! When they would have been following the hearse!
How many funerals have you been to Op?

Yes, they should be there on time, as should everyone.

Huddling together and not mingling- nope. Wouldn't judge for that. I didnt 'mingle' when it wss my grandma's funeral, just stayed with my brothers and parents because I didnt want to make small talk with distant relatives, her neighbours and work friends etc- I wasn't there as a performing monkey (neither was my dad). we were there to say goodbye to her.

I spoke to about 5 people at my dad's funeral. Funnily enough I really wasn't in the mood for socialising.
We paid an amount for a tab at a local bar for whoever wanted to go and then we tfor our own family meal to chat about him and have time together.
A funeral isn't a performance.

I understand people do things differently but I dont think you were right in how you behaved at all.

Not the guests fault.

I do agree with you about the family needing to mingle.

Coming to this late but really struck by the comment above! Why should they 'mingle'? Grief's not a performance, everyone reacts differently.

Agree with this . Guests arrive . Go into seats. Coffin comes followed by immediate family .
At end guests leave wait outside
immediate family leave and greet guests.
then whatever after party happens.
my dads funeral is on 31st spent all day sorting pics and order of service .

have attended a lot of funerals .
apart from one this was the format.

I don't thinknyou have "guests" at a funeral? They're mourners. People are there to pay their respects, not be hosted.

People attending a funeral aren’t “guests”, it’s not a party or a hotel. They’re mourners. You seem not to have been doing much mourning, just judging.

OK, shall I reword? Family members need to talk to all the people who have made an effort to come to the funeral to show their respects. We all experience loss and when it's the funeral of an older person then the adult children should be able to do this. It's not about a public display of grief, it's about behaving like a mature adult and acknowledging that your loved ones death has an impact on others and thanking them for showing their support of you.

I don’t think there’s any “should” about it personally. I can’t understand why there should be such expectations on what is often the most horrific and traumatic day of someone’s life. They’ve just seen their loved one turn up in a coffin for goodness sake! They just need to get through it and don’t deserve to be judged for how they do that. The mourners are usually there for themselves and to pay their respects to the deceased. The immediate family has done enough by organising the funeral and refreshments to take care of the needs of the other mourners on the day. They are usually the ones most impacted so I think it’s very unfair for them to bear the highest burden of expectation. Every funeral I’ve been to, I’ve taken my cue from the family. Some have ‘mingled’, others not. I’ve just done what I can to make their life a shade easier at a horrific time by offering condolences when a suitable moment arises and by making sure they have what they need in terms of food and drink when appropriate. Just because it’s an older relative doesn’t mean they won’t be devastated and everyone handles grief differently. Not being able to circulate due to their devastating loss just makes them human, not immature.

I agree completely, @Hollerationinthedancerieeee - if I go to a funeral of someone who isn’t close family, I am there to support the family and to celebrate their birthday life of the person who died - I do not expect anything from the family of the deceased.

Saying that, on a really difficult, sad and often traumatic day, the close family of the deceased should prioritise thanking all the attendees shows very little empathy or understanding, imo.

When my Dad funeral happened there were a lot of attendees, we filled the Crematorium and Club where the wake was.. he had a lot of work colleagues, social acquaintances and friends who wanted to attend to pay their respects.

Family was still grieving for my Grandmother (Dads mom) who was buried only 5 weeks earlier.. this was the second funeral in as many months for what is a small family group.. we were all in shock from Dads passing, it hadn't been expected despite him being 63.

During the wake the bits i remember, i mostly spent them staying with my family, i did thank the people I knew personally when they came over.. but we were all just.. surviving, and i was concentrating on looking after my Mom, my brother, and my Uncle, who'd just lost his Mum and his Brother in the space of 5 weeks.

If any of the numerous people who attended thought i was rude because i missed speaking to them, or thanking them, tough shit, quite frankly.

Shocked that 19% voted that OP's behaviour/attitude was reasonable

This really is none of your business.

Everyone grieves differently. There is no should it's awful to judge relatives of someone who's died. You have no idea what they are feeling

I think there’s definitely one ‘should’. You should not start threads on the internet criticising the time-keeping of mourners at their mother’s funeral.

Another MN post where the OP makes one initial post (over 2 weeks ago now) that gets posters stirred up and doesn't bother coming back. It's been happening a lot recently. @Porkyyorkylass hasn't made any other posts or comments under that name which is also common with these type of threads. 🥱

There’s a funeral director on a Main Street near me. They have a shopfront but there is no access to the back. I have only seen them unloading a body once. It was very quickly taken out of the van on a light trolley type thing. It looked like the body was secured by a type of black stretchy fabric. It was very quick and discrete. I assume they normally move them when it’s quiet.

My DM passed 3 yrs ago and this is what we did. Immediate family ie siblings travelled with the hearse , our partners and children travelled in our own cars and waited until we got out and walked in together. We did chat with everyone after but at funerals I've attended some people find this really difficult at.