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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

256 replies

Porkyyorkylass · 17/10/2025 14:59

I went to a dear friends funeral last week.
service started at 1pm. One of his daughters was there when I arrived saying hello etc at about 12.45ish. However his other two daughters were nowhere to be seen. They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests. They didn’t look particularly upset or distressed so I don’t think that was the issue. I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned. At the wake again they just sat on a table chatting amongst themselves with their husbands and made no effort to mingle - again didn’t look particularly upset. I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral. Also, I felt a bit sorry for the youngest daughter who clearly was making an effort and had to essentially ‘host’ alone. Maybe I’m being a prude - what do people think AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 17/10/2025 15:21

Family should absolutely host properly and mingle with the guests at a funeral. I think it's comforting to know your loved one was important to a lot of people.

How old was your friend and how old are his daughters? Was their mother at the funeral or is she already dead?

NutellaEllaElla · 17/10/2025 15:21

Yeah let’s take a difficult situation and make it worse with noseyness and judgement. Lovely.

MasterMind1982 · 17/10/2025 15:22

Their dad they do what they want

kierenthecommunity · 17/10/2025 15:22

I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service

How passive aggressive of you 😳

Jenkibuble · 17/10/2025 15:24

Porkyyorkylass · 17/10/2025 14:59

I went to a dear friends funeral last week.
service started at 1pm. One of his daughters was there when I arrived saying hello etc at about 12.45ish. However his other two daughters were nowhere to be seen. They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests. They didn’t look particularly upset or distressed so I don’t think that was the issue. I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned. At the wake again they just sat on a table chatting amongst themselves with their husbands and made no effort to mingle - again didn’t look particularly upset. I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral. Also, I felt a bit sorry for the youngest daughter who clearly was making an effort and had to essentially ‘host’ alone. Maybe I’m being a prude - what do people think AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

Grief is very personal - they may have been masking !

They may have been ND

You have no idea about the relationships in the family

Trallers · 17/10/2025 15:25

What is the purpose of the mingling? Obviously if a family member feels they would like to mingle and greet all the mourners then they absolutely should, but it seems like a lot of unnecessary pressure beyond that. And as a guest to turn up expecting to be hosted like you've been invited to a social occasion they put on because they wanted to... I really don't understand that. It's a funeral, it's not for fun. I say let the dead person's loved ones manage it as they see fit and give them some grace.

HeddaGarbled · 17/10/2025 15:26

Judging people at their parents’ funeral is mean. You ought to try and be a better person.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2025 15:26

A general rule for difficult things is to care and support inwards and dump and complain out. So the closer you are to the person/illness/issue, the more support and care you get.

People's children don't owe anyone anything at a funeral.

godmum56 · 17/10/2025 15:26

OP, how is this ANY of your business?

luckylavender · 17/10/2025 15:27

What a crass post. Mind your own business.

ShanghaiDiva · 17/10/2025 15:27

at every funeral I have attended the family was the last to arrive. It’s a service and no hosting is necessary imo. I hosted at the wake.
tbh your post is quite unpleasant: it is not your role to judge how upset close family members are.

Buxusmortus · 17/10/2025 15:27

I thought it was the norm for family to arrive with the coffin after all the guests, certainly has been at all the funerals I've been to including my husband and father.

I didn't even have any wake after my husband's death, I just couldn't bear the thought of people laughing and chatting and eating cake when all I wanted was to go and not see anyone at all.

After my father died everyone came back to the house for the wake. I and siblings were absolutely devastated but we managed to grit our teeth and get through it. I hope people didn't think we "didn't look upset" because we managed to talk and even smile occasionally.

We certainly weren't going up to guests and mingling like we were hosting a party or a wedding, but people came up to us obviously to express sympathy and we talked to them. But we spent most time talking to our family and very close friends who we'd known all our lives because they're the ones who could give most comfort.

I'm shocked you think his daughters should have come up to you and talked to you. At a funeral guests go up to the bereaved people and talk to them, not the other way round.

TrousersOfTime · 17/10/2025 15:28

With church funerals, not only do family generally arrived with the coffin, but they often leave first and go for a short family-only ceremony at the crematorium before joining other guests at the funeral tea (if there is one). And honestly, judging someone for not socialising with a load of people they probably don't even know well at their dad's funeral. Shame on you OP!

No5ChalksRoad · 17/10/2025 15:28

Noshadelamp · 17/10/2025 15:05

So judgemental!
Everyone grieves differently and it's actually none of your business.

Some people hold in their emotions in public and prefer to grieve privately.

You have no idea how they feel based on how they look at the funeral and wake.

But most of all, it's actually none of your business.

But it is her business.

Politely receiving people who have come to pay tribute to one's family member is pretty rock-bottom basic manners.

Sometimes we have to muster it up and do the right thing, despite our emotional state. It's not always proper to be self-indulgent. Rituals like funerals are some of those times we need to buck up and adult.

SockFluffInTheBath · 17/10/2025 15:29

I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral.
You were clearly not that close to the family if you don’t know why they were behaving the way they did. How about you mind your own business? We’ve just had a significant family funeral and stuck to the people who bothered to show their face when times were getting tough.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 17/10/2025 15:30

A funeral isn’t like a wedding, or a baptism, or a birthday party. The family aren’t there to make sure you’ve got a good view and are enjoying the egg sandwiches. It’s not about you.

2lsinllama · 17/10/2025 15:32

Everyone grieves in their own way. My godfather loved a particular red jacket that I owned and (after checking with his family) I wore it to his funeral. I knew people would judge but it was my tribute to him.
Judging mourners at a funeral is a real low.

Squirrelblanket · 17/10/2025 15:32

And this is why I won't be having a funeral for either of my parents. What a horrible, judgemental post.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 17/10/2025 15:32

Wow OP!!!!

Telling them they must have been so stressed due to traffic.

Fancy being so passive aggressive to daughters of the deceased.

Expecting them to make a fuss of you.

You sound like a busybody and a fuddyduddy

Thundertoast · 17/10/2025 15:33

I actually cant believe you've written this post to be honest, has it really never occurred to you that people have different relationships, different ideas around funerals, different ways of processing grief, I dont know, ever actually considered people dont work the same as you? Who gives a toss if they held the service up by 5 minutes? its not a party they've held with guests, its a bloody funeral! If there was a worry they'd be so late that they wouldnt be able to fit everything in the time slot allocated then thats a whole other thing, but your problem is that they didnt put host???

dunroamingfornow · 17/10/2025 15:34

None of your business. You have no idea what they are going through or what their level of grief is

Neverflyingagain · 17/10/2025 15:35

At family funerals that I've been to, I've been one of the last into the church and the funeral tea because I've been in the funeral car following the coffin, then one of the last to leave the graveside.
When I've not been in the funeral car but it's a relative, I've waited outside for the procession to arrive, and followed the immediate family in behind the coffin.
Only once have I been at a memorial before most of the guests. That was for a close friend's parent and they asked me to be there early.

PermanentTemporary · 17/10/2025 15:36

I was taught as an adult considering converting that the role of people who come to sit shiva in Judaism is to support the bereaved; their role is to do guesting, as it were, rather than requiring hosting of the bereaved. I’m really glad I had that lesson, as it changed my viewpoint a bit. At that stage I’d only ever lost very very old people where the wake was very much a celebration of life and a bit cathartic, and the funerals did look relatively ‘social’. When I experienced losing my husband and other tragic deaths, it meant I was able to appreciate what my friends and family were doing by reaching out, catering, helping, organising and being with us.

I still find funerals helpful but I have retained that sense that those attending should be there to support, not to judge or criticise.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 17/10/2025 15:37

Its great that people attend to their own needs and are in tune with themselves. But we do seem to be losing the idea that sometimes other people are important too which is really what manners are about. I was upset about my mothers funeral. But I felt like it was important to acknowledge the people who made time to come along. What time people arrive is neither here nor there - but acknowledging the people who came is absolutely something under our control.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 17/10/2025 15:39

I think it's infinitely more rude and disrespectful to judge people who are attending a close family member's funeral. Very poor form, OP.