Hosting guests, did we expect to much?

[Wardrobemarker]

Apologies for the long post.

We met a couple abroad a couple of years ago where we have a holiday home. Kept in touch via what's app and met up them when we were abroad at the same time. We got on well but did notice they were a bit mean. My DH is overly generous and they were happy to accept my DH paying for dinner, drinks etc and never reciprocated. I kept telling my DH to stop paying for things but that's who he is.

Anyway DH then invited them to our country to stay for the weekend. We have a rental that we had just finished refurbishing and he offered them the accommodation before we put it up for rent. They gladly accepted and booked flights.

The rental is high quality, top spec and in a very sought after part of our country/area. We made sure it was kitted out with toiletries, towels, fridge was stocked with drinks and treats etc.

We collected them from the airport after a 4 hour delay ( not their fault). First night we had drinks in the local and got a takeaway on the way home. Second day we had booked a tour ( their request). My DH had booked and paid for it and told them how much it was. They never mentioned paying for the tour so DH didn't say anything more about it as he was thinking they might offer to get food, drinks etc. DH paid for three taxid, again they didn't offer. We bought the alcohol for our home that they drink and cooked lovely food, desserts etc. In total my DH spent close to 800 quid the weekend they were here.

In return they contributed nothing bar buying a few drinks for themselves when we were out. Surely this is not normal. I know I'm going to be told that it's DH fault for being too generous and I agree and he agrees himself but surely you would expect them to at least buy you a drink at the bare minumum.

Please send them an email for the cost of their tour, taxi etc etc and confirm which email address they can use to send you the money. Don't let them get away with this. After that is done and dusted, I'd cut the friendship pronto! They should have both paid for their expenses and treated you to any expenses you incurred and a slap up meal. I'm sorry to say @Wardrobemarker but they are having a laugh at your expense!

I've heard of people like these.

Friends of ours once invited a couple they'd met on a cruise to stay with them. They arrived empty-handed and were eating and drinking them out of house and home, being ferried around the sights (in an area popular with tourists) without any sign of reciprocating.
One night our friend got fed up and didn't put any wine on the table.
'What, no wine?' said the CF wife, who promptly sent her husband upstairs to bring down a bottle from the stash they'd brought with them but hadn't offered around.

This. Are you quite lonely otherwise and do you have local friends? It seems quite bizarre to befriend a couple overseas and then cling onto the friendship by offering massive material perks like free accommodation and holiday accompaniments. To most people, this is a level of intimacy that is well beyond the premise of the original friendship. You didn't mention where your holiday home is located and if the couple you befriended are British expats or of a totally different culture.

Assuming you don't have any mutual friends with this couple, you are acquaintances at best. You honestly have no way of knowing what they tell you is true and what sort of background they have. To be honest, people are giving misguided compliments on your husband being "a giver" and "generous". In this situation, it's genuinely quite foolish and naive to invite strangers you don't know on a very intimate trip, put them up in your own home and pay for everything. It's a fine line away from being scammed or being the sort of person at risk for scams.

They've been rude but you and your DH need to stop being such a pair of wet lettuces.

You and your husband both sound lovely OP!

Friends have had some bad experiences with people they've met on holiday similar to this.

1. Belgian family they invited back who stayed two weeks. Brought a box of chocolates then nothing

1. Eastern European family who ate for Britain, never once paid for anything and weirdly spent hours in the shower every day.

1. Turkish family who complained about everything and said their teenage daughters dressed like whores

1. Turkish young woman who worked at a hotel they stayed with, started an affair with her husband which ended in divorce for my friend.

After those four incidents husband and I agreed no matter who you meet on holiday never invite them back.

Ah well - like I said, I was clutching at straws! They're just grasping bastards, then.

You knew what they were like long before you invited them to stay, and are then surprised when they behave exactly the same as before...

Either you like them enough to put up with their bad behaviour.
Or you don't, and you don't meet up with them again.

You and your DH sound thoroughly lovely. I am amazed at some of the comments on here which seem to take pleasure in your generosity having been taken advantage of. A lot of it is thinly veiled spite and jealousy.
Ignore them.

Sorry pressed post too soon!

These guys sound like CFs of the highest order. I just can’t understand anyone behaving in this way.

But you and your husband sound very happy with your lives, while they will of course always be freeloading, miserable, fault finding takers!!!

Sorry I misread, and noticed my mistake afterwards bht couldn’t edit- apologies!

In that case, I think that’s HORRENDOUS of them!!!

They do sound tight. But from what you’ve said so far I think you have more responsibility for this than most people seem to. And not just because you didn’t ask them to split costs after you’d paid.

You knew money was an issue for them and that your home country was too expensive - not somewhere they’d have gone if you hadn’t invested them. You acted as their hosts, took them places without discussing the cost beforehand or finding out what they were comfortable with.

There may also be some cultural difference in play that mean expectations are different and being clear about them harder - it is more common in some cultures for hosts to pay for everything and talking about money can be uncomfortable in other. Some places it’s seen as a bit rude to turn down a gift. Etc.

So I do think some of this may be down to your own behaviour. But even having said all that they still sound like they use you. There’s no excuse for them not reciprocating drinks etc. when you’re at your joint holiday destination. Even if their expectation was for you to host a significant host gift would be pretty standard. An offer to cook or take you out for a meal would also be pretty common. They too should have been aware there could be cultural differences and been a little more curious or upfront in their communication and asked about expectations and what their budget was.

You say they holiday in the same place as you, but do you need to socialize with them? I’d be giving them the cold shoulder.

Your husband has made a complete mug out of you both.

They obviously believe you to be desperate for company for it to be so ridiculously unbalanced.

Where is your husband's self respect?

You asked him stop and he continually made a prat out of the two of you.

Forget about the grifters who clearly believe they caught two live ones.

Focus on your husband making such fools out of the two of you repeatedly.

Healthy normal people do not volunteer themselves, and their home like this.

I feel very sorry for you but honestly give your head a wobble.
I would be furious at my husbands lack of self respect for us both.

It would give me the total ick.

They're tightwads and freeloaders, not friends. Ask them to transfer their half of the costs to you. Who cares if that ends the "friendship," as that would surely be a result.

Your DH in particular needs to work on his boundaries. He sounds like a lovely man, but there can be a fine line between being generous and becoming a mug.

I think conversations such as "how are we splitting the bill for this?" need to become the norm when planning things with other people or you could get taken advantage of.

I would ask for the money for the trip because that is quite specific and it's not like asking for half a meal or something. Then I would avoid them like the plague.

Your DH sounds lovely and is much like my DH... generous to a fault. It always works well (until it doesn't!) because our friends and acquaintances are generous too. If I'd pestered my DH for him to ask someone for half of something, he would say 'just leave it' because he just imagines everyone is like him!

When you see them on holiday next time I would be really cool. I bet you they ask to come and stay again in your rental place.... I would tell them it costs double what you rent it out at, and say they're welcome to pay that (and then maybe you can recoup some of what you've paid out but I bet you they want another freebie)

Well they sound absolutely horrible but the upside is you never have to see them again.

Yourself and DH sound absolutely lovely and the upside is that you get to spend your lives together and will generally (not this time but so what!) attract lovely people to you.

The tour especially is extremely rude, and your DH should ask them to transfer the money for it. Same with their taxis. But you did notice their were mean and so this was all a bit predictable.

They should have arrived with good chocolates, cheese, wine and flowers. They should have followed up by at least going half on everything and finished by taking you and dh out for a really special meal. Once home a thank you card should have arrived with a voucher for you and dh to enjoy separately. All of this is far cheaper than paying for their own accommodation and is just basic good manners.

They are takers and unpleasant people. Been there and done that. Lesson learnt. Avoid.

I would send a quick message to them
"Hi both, thank you so much for coming to stay with us at the weekend. We've just totted up the balance of the activities and dinners out etc and if you could transfer £x to cover your half (then break down the individual costs for taxis, dinners, tour tickets). As you know, we are happy to cover the cost of your accommodation and the food and drinks we supplied at our home. Many Thanks"

Wow. Awful people.

Going against the grain, in some cultures if you are invited as a guest they wouldn’t expect you to pay anything. When we visit family and friends in Italy they wouldn’t expect and would be appalled if we tried to pay them for event tickets or even worse, food. They see it as a suggestion they are tight or not good hosts. We obviously always offer a token - gifts from home etc but we’ve learnt not to offer to pay for meals. So is it possible that in their culture they thought as your guests it was expected for you to pay for everything? I agree they should have offered a token of thanks, but if that isn’t their norm then we can’t necessarily judge by our own cultural values.
simple response is to either send an email/text saying “it was fantastic to catch up and we loved spending time with you, the tickets for xxxx were £50 a head, are you happy to bank transfer for the two tickets or do you prefer another method” or just write it off and not see them again. Or go to theirs and don’t get your card out!

You could write a message along the lines of:

“Sorry, we should have reminded you before you left that your share of the tour was £xx and the take away was £xx. Here are my bank details. Cheers”

Ah, this does not surprise me at all re the chippiness of mean grabby people. My theory is that some people just think they deserve the best and most of everything and are bitter and envious if anyone else has nice things, particularly if they are nicer or better things than them. So they'll try and claim a share whilst whilst at the same time trying to spoil your own happiness with moans, jibes and demands.

Proper friends are happy for you and lift you up, not drag you down and drain you, mentally and financially.

You sound nice. Promise yourselves to only mix with other nice people from now on!

You should definitely send this, even if they are unlikely to pay. It might at least stop them from asking to visit again.