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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosting guests, did we expect to much?

399 replies

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 13:13

Apologies for the long post.

We met a couple abroad a couple of years ago where we have a holiday home. Kept in touch via what's app and met up them when we were abroad at the same time. We got on well but did notice they were a bit mean. My DH is overly generous and they were happy to accept my DH paying for dinner, drinks etc and never reciprocated. I kept telling my DH to stop paying for things but that's who he is.

Anyway DH then invited them to our country to stay for the weekend. We have a rental that we had just finished refurbishing and he offered them the accommodation before we put it up for rent. They gladly accepted and booked flights.

The rental is high quality, top spec and in a very sought after part of our country/area. We made sure it was kitted out with toiletries, towels, fridge was stocked with drinks and treats etc.

We collected them from the airport after a 4 hour delay ( not their fault). First night we had drinks in the local and got a takeaway on the way home. Second day we had booked a tour ( their request). My DH had booked and paid for it and told them how much it was. They never mentioned paying for the tour so DH didn't say anything more about it as he was thinking they might offer to get food, drinks etc. DH paid for three taxid, again they didn't offer. We bought the alcohol for our home that they drink and cooked lovely food, desserts etc. In total my DH spent close to 800 quid the weekend they were here.

In return they contributed nothing bar buying a few drinks for themselves when we were out. Surely this is not normal. I know I'm going to be told that it's DH fault for being too generous and I agree and he agrees himself but surely you would expect them to at least buy you a drink at the bare minumum.

OP posts:
ChocoChocoLatte · 17/10/2025 13:41

I imagine if you send a break down of the spends and ask them for their half, you won’t hear from them again…..

Dear Freeloaders, please transfer £400 to XX account to cover your half of the expenses, Many thanks, Mrs Wardrobemarker

and bang, they’re gone…..

TheatricalLife · 17/10/2025 13:44

Why on earth didn't either of you say anything though?! You just kept spending when you could have easily stepped back and said at a dinner 'your half is ££' or not offered to get the whole taxi bill, or said they can get the next round. They are clearly total CF but you enabled them the whole time. I hope you are not planning to invite them again!

MaplePumpkin · 17/10/2025 13:44

As you already know, this was partly your (husbands!!) fault by being so generous and not asking for any money, just paying for things and booking things without telling them what they owe, discussing costs first, and asking them for money.

For example the tour- your wording (and I may be wrong!) suggests your husband just chose it, booked it, and told them that’s what they were doing. Did they want to go on the tour? Would they have chosen to go on this tour? A better way to approach this would be to say to them “do you like the look of this tour, we could do it tomorrow, it costs £xyz if you’re happy to spend that?”

All that said though, they are absolute cheeky fucks. I honestly don’t know how people can behave the way they did. Aren’t they mortified? Clearly not, but my god they sound awful. Don’t bother with them again!

RocketLollyPolly · 17/10/2025 13:46

No it’s not normal. Are there cultural differences?

If their visit was fairly recent I’d contact them now asking to settle up for certain things your DH paid for. Certainly the tour that they asked for. Meals if you decided together to go and and where then ditto, but it’s harder if you suggested and booked it as it might have implied you were paying. It sounds like it’s not a great friendship anyway and probably won’t continue so you may as well try.

Whaile · 17/10/2025 13:49

Your dh is mad

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 13:49

I suppose the reason we didn't push for money is because we honestly thought that maybe they didn't have it. When we had been out with them abroad they mentioned their budget and how much they had to spend for each day. Myself and DH also live in quite a wealthy country where the cost of living is high but the wages reflect this. The country they are from would have a much lower GDP than ours.

I don't think it is even the amount of money we spent, its was their attitude. Myself and DH host a lot and enjoy it and we have friends from all walks of life and from all over the world and have never experienced this. My DH and myself are from working class backgrounds.

OP posts:
TeaAndTattoos · 17/10/2025 13:51

YANBU they are users and takers they probably do the same thing to everyone around them it won’t be just you. I would be avoiding them like the plague.

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 13:53

MaplePumpkin · 17/10/2025 13:44

As you already know, this was partly your (husbands!!) fault by being so generous and not asking for any money, just paying for things and booking things without telling them what they owe, discussing costs first, and asking them for money.

For example the tour- your wording (and I may be wrong!) suggests your husband just chose it, booked it, and told them that’s what they were doing. Did they want to go on the tour? Would they have chosen to go on this tour? A better way to approach this would be to say to them “do you like the look of this tour, we could do it tomorrow, it costs £xyz if you’re happy to spend that?”

All that said though, they are absolute cheeky fucks. I honestly don’t know how people can behave the way they did. Aren’t they mortified? Clearly not, but my god they sound awful. Don’t bother with them again!

They absolutely wanted to do the tour. It was their suggestion. My DH actually booked the cheapest but best value for money option and asked them before he booked it. He also said, "so that's x amount each".

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 17/10/2025 13:53

What utter cheeky fuckers. Some people have zero shame and brass necks.

user1471538275 · 17/10/2025 13:53

Why did you and your DH do this?

There is being generous and there is being foolish - I think you and your DH have crossed the line.

The phrase 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me' comes to mind. There never should have been a second invitation.

RealEagle · 17/10/2025 13:57

I hate people like this ,take take take .

carmak · 17/10/2025 13:58

They must be very good company......

anamo · 17/10/2025 13:59

They will never pay you back even if you did ask them to.

I think along with many others that the thought of asking people for a contribution can be quite difficult if you are a generous person yourself. But that leads to freeloaders taking advantage. I don't have any people in my life like that, but on the rare occasions that I do mix with people I don't know well, I'll say something generic to the gang like "we splitting the bill", or "we're all going separately on the bill" or something that signals "No CFs allowed here" 😊

TheatricalLife · 17/10/2025 13:59

If you were up front about the tour price, message them with a reminder. Say 'just remembered you haven't transferred DH the money for the tour we did yet. Here's his bank details and the amount'. They don't give a shit about taking advantage of you, why are you being so overly polite back? At least try and recoup some of the costs.
Odds are on that you'll never hear from them again though...until they fancy another free holiday.

LillyPJ · 17/10/2025 14:00

You set up their expectations so I do think it's your own fault. You should have made it clear at the start that you wouldn't be paying for everything

ParmaVioletTea · 17/10/2025 14:01

YANBU. And it's not your DH's fault either.

They are mean. Just forget about them as friends.

aloris · 17/10/2025 14:02

You told them the price up-front so I probably would ask them to reimburse you straight up. "Hello Bob and Laura. You owe me x for your tickets for the Thames River Tour. Please send by Venmo or bank transfer as soon as possible." If they don't pay or pretend like they thought you were offering to take them then you come back with, "You asked to go on this tour and I told you the ticket price for you and Laura. I don't appreciate this pretense that you didn't know you would have to pay for tickets for your own tour. Please send the money by x date by bank transfer."

And so on.

ConstitutionHill · 17/10/2025 14:03

Oh god! Same as my DP. I know meanness is a deplorable trait but I wish he could just rein it in.

anamo · 17/10/2025 14:04

Look, don't beat yourselves up about it, but consider it a lesson learned.

It's a lovely trait to be generous and don't forget that. But there's a difference between being generous and being taken advantage of. I had it happen to me once years ago, and I felt so so stupid, but I dusted myself off and it won't happen again. I know the people I can be generous with because it is always reciprocated, and that's the important thing.

Worriedalltheday · 17/10/2025 14:08

Honestly you and your dh deserve it. You went on holiday and saw them in their full true colors and yet still invited them. Then you also did not say a word and picked up the bill each time. There are people like this all over the world. You had a good preview and decided to still roll over.

LancashireButterPie · 17/10/2025 14:14

I've seen other people mention possible cultural differences. We have SE Asian relatives and discovered to our cost that it is expected that older people pay for drinks, meals, everything really 😳.

defrazzled · 17/10/2025 14:14

we...... did notice they were a bit mean
Yes well they noticed you were generous and filled their boots. More fool you. The real question is why did you do this and expect any different?

Rumpledandcrumpled · 17/10/2025 14:14

I’m afraid I also think you both knew, you also know it’s likely they don’t have much money and you both kept offering and paying, you can’t then complain. You’re grown ups. All you have to say is can you transfer that please, will we settle up at the end. But what you don’t do is keep paying for someone then complain after,

Namechangesecretsignature · 17/10/2025 14:15

I’m your DH in this situation. I’ve been stung so many times and I’ve FINALLY learned to rein it in - just a few months ago! So many years of paying for people at home and abroad. People just come to expect it

YourPeppyAmberTraybake · 17/10/2025 14:16

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 13:53

They absolutely wanted to do the tour. It was their suggestion. My DH actually booked the cheapest but best value for money option and asked them before he booked it. He also said, "so that's x amount each".

Show quote history

Would it make you feel better if you now text them and say here are my bank details, please send what you owe for the tour and possibly other things?

Do you want to remain friends with them?

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