Hosting guests, did we expect to much?

[Wardrobemarker]

Apologies for the long post.

We met a couple abroad a couple of years ago where we have a holiday home. Kept in touch via what's app and met up them when we were abroad at the same time. We got on well but did notice they were a bit mean. My DH is overly generous and they were happy to accept my DH paying for dinner, drinks etc and never reciprocated. I kept telling my DH to stop paying for things but that's who he is.

Anyway DH then invited them to our country to stay for the weekend. We have a rental that we had just finished refurbishing and he offered them the accommodation before we put it up for rent. They gladly accepted and booked flights.

The rental is high quality, top spec and in a very sought after part of our country/area. We made sure it was kitted out with toiletries, towels, fridge was stocked with drinks and treats etc.

We collected them from the airport after a 4 hour delay ( not their fault). First night we had drinks in the local and got a takeaway on the way home. Second day we had booked a tour ( their request). My DH had booked and paid for it and told them how much it was. They never mentioned paying for the tour so DH didn't say anything more about it as he was thinking they might offer to get food, drinks etc. DH paid for three taxid, again they didn't offer. We bought the alcohol for our home that they drink and cooked lovely food, desserts etc. In total my DH spent close to 800 quid the weekend they were here.

In return they contributed nothing bar buying a few drinks for themselves when we were out. Surely this is not normal. I know I'm going to be told that it's DH fault for being too generous and I agree and he agrees himself but surely you would expect them to at least buy you a drink at the bare minumum.

Did your DH specifically invite them or were they visiting anyway ? If it was a specific invitation I understand that accommodation would be free, and some food provided, but I think it’s really odd for them to take all that was offered with no reciprocation for your generosity. And requesting you to book a specific trip and not paying up for it isn’t on. They’re freeloading CF’s. I wouldn’t be inviting them again and I’d be cooling off the friendship as I’d feel used.

Yes, they’ve taken advantage however this is also partly down to you and DH not correctly managing your own boundaries.

It would have been very easy to discuss up front e.g. “What do you fancy doing when you’re here? XYZ is a great tour, it’s £60 each and easier for us to organise so how about we pay for that and then either you guys can transfer funds for your tickets or get dinner on the Friday night?”

Etc etc

Dropping these friends will solve this one problem. But learning to communicate your own expectations and boundaries in a friendly way will solve the issue for life.

I have the feeling that they won't just wait for you to invite them again, they'll try to invite themselves. So make sure you're prepared to say no and if you feel you need an excuse, have it ready.

This - you were being massively unreasonable for thinking they would somehow have a personality transplant. These weren't even friends you've known a long time - holiday strangers!

I'm sorry they took advantage of you. We like to think the best of people and give benefit of the doubt, but unfortunately they're CF's.

As I said , yes we did spend a lot, but that's not the real issue. It was the fact they didn't even offer to buy a drink or come with a box of chocolates or bottle of wine etc. A small token would have been appreciated. Other friends have actually said they should have at least offered a minumum amount towards the accommodation to cover electricity/ heating etc.

We did actually figure out on the last night after they had a few drinks that they are not as "broke" as they made out. They are just incredibly tight and spongers.

Really? He seems to be awfully quick to put his hand in his pocket. Why would he do that if not happy to flash the cash?

Some people will accept because they don’t want to get in to the “no, I’ll pay, no I’ll pay” back and forth. It’s really easy for you and your husband to avoid it “this one’s on us, you can get it next time” rather than just doling out cash and saying nothing, hoping things will change.

Without effort I’m a bit like this - if people give without restraint I’m apt to freeload. It’s taken sustained effort to overcome that but I think I’m through it now. If a host reached the point of having to say upfront that I needed to pay, I’d be mortified. It’s definitely them not you. Get the money for the tour (it will be like pulling teeth) and then don’t contact them again.

Do you ever want to see them again @Wardrobemarker?
If not, why not let them know how mean / tight and rude they were.

They mentioned a few times that they had never visited our country and would love to see it but accommodation and general costs would be too expensive. DH then invited them to stay in our rental before we rented it out.

Wow. Why let people take advantage of you like that?

My DH is the same, too generous for his own good. I've had to repeatedly tell him about cheeky fuckers in order for the message to get in.

I would message them and ask for the money. Don't tell your DH.

Did your DH not ask before issuing the invite? That's not respectful to you.

No I don't want to see them again but they holiday in the same place we have a holiday home.

I would forward that message again saying " here are our bank details so that you can transfer your share"

Terrible, terrible behaviour on their part.

Was your partner/oh showing off by any chance, paying for everything?

We had discussed it yes.

Has your DH agreed not to spend any more time and money on these twats?

My DH was not showing of, he is not like that all. Extremely generous to a fault but not flashy.We don't talk about our income but it doesn't take much to know that we are comfortable.

Yes, he feels the same as me.

They are pathologically stingy, and I wouldn't be inviting them anywhere again anytime soon.

However, I would not feel daft or guilty, I would be relieved I wasn't married to a grifting miser, but to someone warm and generous.

I think I might speak to DH tonight about at least asking for the money for the tour. The funny thing is I know DH will feel that we are being tight by asking 😅

That's good. Honestly I would message them and say they didn't leave the money for their tickets and meals and please could they transfer xx amount.

Don't let them get away with it. Even if they don't send the money, you'll feel better because they'll know they acted like scum.

Maybe they thought as DH was splasbing the cash that you are extremely wealthy.
Either way they are CF, I wouldn't even do this if I thought my friends were billionnaires. So they are CF.
But DH splashing the cash and never asking to split bills or for a contribution really didn't help this situation.
My DH is generous to a fault and people take advantage. He hasn't really even got much money but he likes to play the big I Am and also can't keep money in his pocket and people see this and take advantage. I have managed to reign him in considerably to the point he is now much more careful. But he has been known to tip in the hundreds and this was purely for his own ego. Which he now has realised is very stupid due to people taking the absolute piss.

They are freeloaders and unless you really like them and don't mind paying for them, then lesson learned and don't invite again.