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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosting guests, did we expect to much?

399 replies

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 13:13

Apologies for the long post.

We met a couple abroad a couple of years ago where we have a holiday home. Kept in touch via what's app and met up them when we were abroad at the same time. We got on well but did notice they were a bit mean. My DH is overly generous and they were happy to accept my DH paying for dinner, drinks etc and never reciprocated. I kept telling my DH to stop paying for things but that's who he is.

Anyway DH then invited them to our country to stay for the weekend. We have a rental that we had just finished refurbishing and he offered them the accommodation before we put it up for rent. They gladly accepted and booked flights.

The rental is high quality, top spec and in a very sought after part of our country/area. We made sure it was kitted out with toiletries, towels, fridge was stocked with drinks and treats etc.

We collected them from the airport after a 4 hour delay ( not their fault). First night we had drinks in the local and got a takeaway on the way home. Second day we had booked a tour ( their request). My DH had booked and paid for it and told them how much it was. They never mentioned paying for the tour so DH didn't say anything more about it as he was thinking they might offer to get food, drinks etc. DH paid for three taxid, again they didn't offer. We bought the alcohol for our home that they drink and cooked lovely food, desserts etc. In total my DH spent close to 800 quid the weekend they were here.

In return they contributed nothing bar buying a few drinks for themselves when we were out. Surely this is not normal. I know I'm going to be told that it's DH fault for being too generous and I agree and he agrees himself but surely you would expect them to at least buy you a drink at the bare minumum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 15:30

RawBloomers · 17/10/2025 15:16

They do sound tight. But from what you’ve said so far I think you have more responsibility for this than most people seem to. And not just because you didn’t ask them to split costs after you’d paid.

You knew money was an issue for them and that your home country was too expensive - not somewhere they’d have gone if you hadn’t invested them. You acted as their hosts, took them places without discussing the cost beforehand or finding out what they were comfortable with.

There may also be some cultural difference in play that mean expectations are different and being clear about them harder - it is more common in some cultures for hosts to pay for everything and talking about money can be uncomfortable in other. Some places it’s seen as a bit rude to turn down a gift. Etc.

So I do think some of this may be down to your own behaviour. But even having said all that they still sound like they use you. There’s no excuse for them not reciprocating drinks etc. when you’re at your joint holiday destination. Even if their expectation was for you to host a significant host gift would be pretty standard. An offer to cook or take you out for a meal would also be pretty common. They too should have been aware there could be cultural differences and been a little more curious or upfront in their communication and asked about expectations and what their budget was.

You say they holiday in the same place as you, but do you need to socialize with them? I’d be giving them the cold shoulder.

I don't think you have read all my posts. They had mentioned on numerous occasions that they would like to visit our country but accommodation costs and general expenses would be very expensive. My DH then invited them to stay in our rental free of charge. In the rental we provided towels, toiletories drinks, snacks, treats. We also cooked breakfast the three mornings they were here and two dinners with desserts.

We didn't take them anywhere without discussing the costs. They specifically asked to do a tour which DH booked but not before consulting them about the price. We stayed away from eating and drinking in the "tourist" hot spots but stayed close enough to the areas so still got the same vibe.

Also has previously stated we are from the same cultural background. Very similar.

OP posts:
Yootoo · 17/10/2025 15:31

Yabu. Because dh set a tone that he is there benevolent fairy godfather who uncomplainingly pays for everything! You did it to yourselves.

Seelybe · 17/10/2025 15:31

@Wardrobemarker as the friendship is over, why don't you send them a bill for their share of the trip day out at least? Their tickets and half the cost of everything else. With a breezy message 'we never got round to settling up for the trip you asked us to book, could you transfer it now please? Your share was x, y, z so XYZ total. Many thanks - bank details are .....'

SpryUmberZebra · 17/10/2025 15:32

Yes the right thing is for them to reciprocate and show appreciation but if they have shown you who they are multiple times and you’re still paying and expecting them to change then that’s on you and your DH.

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 15:34

User564523412 · 17/10/2025 15:09

This. Are you quite lonely otherwise and do you have local friends? It seems quite bizarre to befriend a couple overseas and then cling onto the friendship by offering massive material perks like free accommodation and holiday accompaniments. To most people, this is a level of intimacy that is well beyond the premise of the original friendship. You didn't mention where your holiday home is located and if the couple you befriended are British expats or of a totally different culture.

Assuming you don't have any mutual friends with this couple, you are acquaintances at best. You honestly have no way of knowing what they tell you is true and what sort of background they have. To be honest, people are giving misguided compliments on your husband being "a giver" and "generous". In this situation, it's genuinely quite foolish and naive to invite strangers you don't know on a very intimate trip, put them up in your own home and pay for everything. It's a fine line away from being scammed or being the sort of person at risk for scams.

Show quote history

Not lonely at all. Myself and DH have a large circle of friends from childhood , teenage years, work etc. As I previously stated we host a lot and enjoy it. We are very active in our local community and contribute to our local sports clubs that our children attend. Very close with both families. We are open, loving and kind people who like to see the best in others.

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 17/10/2025 15:35

They aren’t friends. They are piss takers. Bin.

Starzinsky · 17/10/2025 15:35

I think you should message them still and ask them to send when they owe for their share of things, but sounds like you have rude friends and a husband that can't be trusted with money.

AbsentosaurusRex · 17/10/2025 15:38

YANBU. You and your husband are being decent generous content people. These 2 are ungracious, ungrateful, grasping oiks. Cancel them and any further contact. Try not to let their behaviour influence how you interact with others. Most people would not be like these 2 chancers.

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 15:38

Firedrink · 17/10/2025 15:18

Your husband has made a complete mug out of you both.

They obviously believe you to be desperate for company for it to be so ridiculously unbalanced.

Where is your husband's self respect?

You asked him stop and he continually made a prat out of the two of you.

Forget about the grifters who clearly believe they caught two live ones.

Focus on your husband making such fools out of the two of you repeatedly.

Healthy normal people do not volunteer themselves, and their home like this.

I feel very sorry for you but honestly give your head a wobble.
I would be furious at my husbands lack of self respect for us both.

It would give me the total ick.

Calm down 😂 Im not as angry as you are. My DH is a lovely man who adores me and his children. We have a fabulous life together so there's no need to feel sorry for us. 😚

OP posts:
Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 15:39

Starzinsky · 17/10/2025 15:35

I think you should message them still and ask them to send when they owe for their share of things, but sounds like you have rude friends and a husband that can't be trusted with money.

My DH is very successful and can be trusted with money.

OP posts:
shhblackbag · 17/10/2025 15:40

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 14:22

They mentioned a few times that they had never visited our country and would love to see it but accommodation and general costs would be too expensive. DH then invited them to stay in our rental before we rented it out.

Show quote history

They saw him coming. He didn't have to do that at all. And after that? He picked them up at the airport, arranged activities that they mentioned wanting to do, plus meals. He is a mug, OP. Or he really wants to be Mr Generous. If that's it, don't complain after.

They were virtual strangers.

MaturingCheeseball · 17/10/2025 15:40

Dh used to be like this. USED to be! I don’t know how it happened, because it wasn’t as a result of my years of nagging, but one day a switch flipped and he realised that he was being taken for a mug. Perhaps it coincided with having very expensive teenagers!

I would prefer an over-generous spouse any day over someone who counts the pennies, but dh always felt it was too awkward to confront people taking the mickey.

justasking111 · 17/10/2025 15:42

Just remembered a retired teacher at a private school and his wife. Some of the pupils have over the years been contacted all over Europe, USA, far East and Australia. This pair have grifted their way around the world since retirement and bragged about it.

Makes me cringe.

shhblackbag · 17/10/2025 15:42

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 15:38

Calm down 😂 Im not as angry as you are. My DH is a lovely man who adores me and his children. We have a fabulous life together so there's no need to feel sorry for us. 😚

Show quote history

Well, great. He's still splashing cash unnecessary on virtual strangers, and you're annoyed enough to be on here about it.

Endofyear · 17/10/2025 15:43

Sorry OP but I can only say more fool you. You knew they were mean and yet still invited them and spent money on them?

DaisyChain505 · 17/10/2025 15:43

You haven’t helped yourselves in these situations.

Surely when you’re in a taxi and you’ve already paid for one you say “X and Y, do you want to get this taxi as we got the last.”

If you’re out for dinner you say the same or you say “Shall we just split it down the middle to keep it simple?”

When you get back from the takeaway you say “It came to £60 altogether so £30 per couple if that’s ok with you.”

Silverbirchleaf · 17/10/2025 15:43

They assumed you were hosting, and therefore paying for it.

Trallers · 17/10/2025 15:50

Yes they are bloody cheeky, but I also think it's played out in a way where they can convince themselves you're happy to look after the bill because you have more money. That doesnt make it right, but i think that might be the impression you're giving with speding so willingly, and by inviting over free if charge in response to them saying they had no money to come otherwise.

They've probably put you in a box (in their heads) as people who have more money that you really do and who like splashing the cash and showing off your spending to others. They're tight so very happy to sit there and be recipients of that. The reality is they haven't got a clue how you really feel, or that you see them as the cheeky feckers they are. I say call them out! "Was lovely to see you. We didnt get a chance to balance finances yet, sorry for being slow about it but we're in the process of putting a spreadsheet together for costs. Obviously the accommodation was offered freely,, but I've put the meals and tour on so we can get it shared out. Again, lovely to see you and perhaps we'll run into each other at x in the summer! "

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 15:53

Trallers · 17/10/2025 15:50

Yes they are bloody cheeky, but I also think it's played out in a way where they can convince themselves you're happy to look after the bill because you have more money. That doesnt make it right, but i think that might be the impression you're giving with speding so willingly, and by inviting over free if charge in response to them saying they had no money to come otherwise.

They've probably put you in a box (in their heads) as people who have more money that you really do and who like splashing the cash and showing off your spending to others. They're tight so very happy to sit there and be recipients of that. The reality is they haven't got a clue how you really feel, or that you see them as the cheeky feckers they are. I say call them out! "Was lovely to see you. We didnt get a chance to balance finances yet, sorry for being slow about it but we're in the process of putting a spreadsheet together for costs. Obviously the accommodation was offered freely,, but I've put the meals and tour on so we can get it shared out. Again, lovely to see you and perhaps we'll run into each other at x in the summer! "

Thank you. I totally agree with all of this. 💐

OP posts:
Lotsofsnacks · 17/10/2025 15:53

Please do not agree to meet up with them again if they contact you, when you are at the holiday home next year, ignore if they contact you!

jumpingthehighjump · 17/10/2025 15:54

shhblackbag · 17/10/2025 15:42

Well, great. He's still splashing cash unnecessary on virtual strangers, and you're annoyed enough to be on here about it.

Show quote history

Yes, but she isn't annoyed with HIM. She is annoyed with THEM. There is a difference.
My DH is like the OP's DH. A generous man in a lovely way

Lotsofsnacks · 17/10/2025 15:57

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 15:53

Thank you. I totally agree with all of this. 💐

Show quote history

I think you could ask for the tour money now, but for any meals out, taxis etc, that should have been done in the moment. Unless, it was clearly spelt out that you expected them to contribute (as unfortunately it does need to be to CFs!!)

pinkspeakers · 17/10/2025 16:00

Definitely not normal. They should have paid for at least their half of the tour (I'm not sure why you didn't ask for that tbh). They should have offered to take you out for a nice meal and they should have brought a nice gift of some sort.

We recently stayed with some friends in their holiday home for 3 mights. We brought some foody gifts with us from our previous stop (couldn't carry much as travelling by train with hand luggage), took them out for a nice dinner, offered to pay half the car hire (that was turned down) and generally contributed at least our fair share of costs while we were out and about.

MagnaICe · 17/10/2025 16:02

So how such things work out? I can never imagine such stuff. You literally open your whole lives to people you met on holiday???????? Who one earth does this?

Neveranynamesleft · 17/10/2025 16:02

Send them a bill with your bank details and if nothing is paid then block them. Then, seeing as you like to be friendly and can't seem to say no, send me your details and I'll pop down for a lovely, all expenses paid, free weekend away. Cheers

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