Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

I thought it was very likely the case too and that at the very least asking him sensitively what his preferences were was the obvious choice.

I’d like to say I was surprised how many people chose to callously stick the boot in without making this obvious suggestion, but I’m not. They’re the same on every thread.

Just came up in conversation about making plans, he raised it how he was going to get there and asked us to pick him up and drop him to a party after!

I hope the school can sort this for you and DH @Samui25. - the ones I’ve been involved with have been quite used to this sort of thing happening (unfortunately), but should be able to source two tickets for you. I had a sneaky feeling (call it intuition, or even experience), that this would be the case. Don’t let his mother spoil it for him, just quietly sort out the issue and have no further discussion with her about it.

Out of interest, does she still have your DH blocked?

Great news. This was my theory from the very start - that DS knew nothing about this. Honestly the gall of that woman ‘You owe me this’. Cringe!

I’m sure tickets won’t be a problem. Have a lovely time.

So does that mean that you are going?

Yes - we’ve managed to hustle some tickets from friends

So the boys solved the issue, hes not going for any sort of family lunch or meal after the event, avoid choosing which parent.

He's going with his pals instead.

Glad to hear it! I very much hope you will be going then.

That's great news!

So glad he is going to get what he wants on his day.

Really hope Mum doesn't derail the event with more demands.

Great news!! Hope you all have a wonderful day.

How dare she take all the tickets. Appalling.

ETA seen the update. Great news!!!

Oh, thank goodness. I can't imagine how hurt and confused and conflicted he'd have been with you and his father not there.

It's all so American these days isn't it? Proms graduations etc. Graduation in my day was when you finished uni/ polytechnic. 2 tickets is the norm really or some families would be bringing Nanna and auntie Elsie.Let it go

I think if I were your DSS's mum I'd be very bitter having been abandoned while pregnant then with the 2nd attempt that also failed. If the DSS wasn't in the picture she may have had a chance to move on, but its a permanent tie between the two parents and with what sound like wildly different life styles and incomes.

I don't blame you, but I do empathize with her and her need to exert some kind of control. I think you being there with your DH would feel like her face was being rubbed in it. If she had a DH herself there'd be a chance at cordial interactions.

You should probably not try and attend. Its one day and he is an adult now.

The boy has solved the issue, he's going out with his pals after it.

Op her DH and his Mums side can all attend and sit seperately. And nobody gets to go for a meal with him after it.

Its quite sad actually that his parents weren't able to put him first and avoid making him choose who to go with after the ceremony. I think that will be it for the future too, he just won't have anything he expects them to be at together.

I have sympathy for the mum also. But this is not about her

Im sorry such a joyous occasion has been tainted with all this pettiness. Just focus on celebrating this fine young man and ont he fact that very soon he will age out of the whole custody/access/having to deal with the mum situation, and then your relationship will stand on its own merits based on personal factors and not the blended family thing. Many congratulations to him, he sounds like a good un.

Well the problem is sorted now.

Though my friend's little girl graduated from nursery this summer complete with cap and gown. She's 4!

Glad you got tickets, the mum sounds insane. It's also good he's made his own plans for afterwards, so you can just turn up and then leave again, and the evening could potentially be drama-free if the venue is big enough that you could avoid her completely.

I think it’s not a nice situation for your DSS to be in. The bones of it is even if he does REALLY want you there, if his mum doesn’t, it’s tricky for him, he’s being forced to choose. Unless you are a child whose parents have separated/remarried it’s hard to imagine, and even then each situation is totally different, so everyone’s experience will be different. I feel sorry for him that his parents don’t speak, I always find it sad when 2 people who had a child can’t put their own feelings aside and concentrate on what is best for the child. I can absolutely see why you would be upset and her asking your husband not to discuss with DSS makes me wonder why she has said that. It could either be that he really does want it to be just them, and if questioned about it won’t feel able to say that to your DH, or that it’s what she wants and doesn’t want him to have the chance to say he does want you there. Even if your DH speaks to him it’s possible he won’t get the truth if DSS feels torn/stuck in the middle. Personally if I was you I would send him a card and say good luck to him, you hope it goes well, you’d love to be there but you’ll look forward to celebrating with him another time and what would he like to do. In my opinion this gives him the chance to come to you and say he’d like you to be there if that’s what he wants, or make plans with you for another time if that’s what he wants. It can be both - he can love you and appreciate you as a SM, as well as wanting it to be just his parents.

And he wants the OP there.

I think that’s great and confirms the whole ‘you’re not invited’ stuff was just coming from his mum.
Im really glad you also got tickets.

My only worry now is what’s going to happen when the news you’ll be there is going to come out. At some point, your dss is going to mention getting there to his mum and I suspect WW3 will open up then.
Your dh might want to have a chat with him before hand so he isn’t taken by surprised/gaslighted.

Great news about getting some tickets. And amazing how you've kept him out of his mums irrationality.

She spent extra money on tickets out of spite and thought she was being clever without a thought for his wishes.

Enjoy the ceremony and hopefully you will be able to stop giving her financial help as soon as hes ready to move on.

What a great example of step-parenting.

@Needspaceforlego
Name change fail?

Happy to hear this, OP.

Your DH needs to stop the £5k per month to the mum asap and help his son directly.