Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

This all sounds very complicated.

i don’t think all money is family money when SC are involved. The money paid was your money. That makes everything quite complicated as you’ve bailed out a woman who sounds like she resents you.

I think going forward you have a choice as to whether to continue to give DSS such large amounts of your money.

At the end of the day DM is his mother and he may continue to placate her when it comes to future events. You know that now, it’s up to you to decide what to do.

why didn’t the dad reach out to the mum asking for a chat about it?

Why does the mum need pandering to?
What she has done is extremely controlling.

Which is what you thought would happen from the start. You knew she wasnt happy, your dp mentioned it to the son leaving out the bit about his dm not wanting you there.

It is not right or fair but it is a school leaving do. Bow out gracefully for your dps ds's sake. Maybe by uni graduation or similar the dss will be more assertive.

She doesn’t need pandering too - more a discussion of who will take him, are the parents happy to sit together, what is happening afterwards, how many guests can attend, who will have any extra tickets - you know, conversations that normal separated parents have without histrionics of banning, taking to a bed in tears or being furious. Either parent could have started those conversations because they will have known of this ‘graduation’ for months.

This is spot on.

This is only a senior school graduation - but it highlights what you should expect going forward - e.g. Uni graduation/wedding etc.

OP - I know this will sound cold - but I think you have to scale things back financially. You are funding a family that will cut you out when things get difficult.

It is controlling yes but there's a dc in the middle of it and sometimes you have to fall on your sword for their sake. Step parents will alway take second place regardless of how much they spend.

@RisingSunnmy closest friends have been telling me this for years, I’m all about equality but this had made me appreciate that I might need to re think

@RisingSunnmy closest friends have been telling me this for years, I’m all about equality but this had made me appreciate that I might need to re think

I agree.

At least in the case of my husband's kids, they were adults and away from home when he and his first wife separated. (DH had got confirmation about the OM.)

Even so, the kids constantly bowed to their mother's wishes and I honestly know think that the only appreciation I got was when I handed over money or provided care for their dad or help for their mum when she was between partners.

The last straw for me was really when we were excluded from the grandchild's 18th* but the relationship didn't fully finish until after my husband died. (Previously, he'd been excluded from a child's graduation. There weren't enough tickets to go round, apparently.)

Trying to be nice and reasonable doesn't always work.

*When DH later asked why, the response was "Oh. I didn't think you would want to go." (We knew about the the birthday event - I was told about it while I was taking DH's ex to and from hospital for a procedure - but I was given the impression that only the child's mother and grandmother were going with her.)

Yes, true. I'm just counselling, however, that a world of heartache awaits if you always put yourself second.

If you feel bad about the money you can put the difference into an ISA or premium bonds for DSS. Or go on a lovely holiday!

I appreciate all views, one thing that smarts is that without my contribution he wouldn’t be graduating from the school. The most important thing is DH should be there but he’s not welcome and that’s not ok.

But that’s an issue between you and H? Why was he not contributing? Why would your dss not have graduated without you paying? (Please don’t ever say anything like that to your dss)
Why can things not be made good so your h can still attend?

But he was welcome initially. It’s like most threads on here - I don’t think it is black and white but is more nuanced than any op describes. The mums message was ridiculous, but so were the reactions of you and your H. You are all thinking about what you want and what dss owes to each of you. None of it had to be this hard or painful. Now your H will miss out which is such a shame. But you paying maintenance for your dss and trying to set him up for his future (whilst amazing and I wish my ds had a step mum like this) it does not buy you a ticket to his graduation.
Honestly - on this one I would bow out gracefully and find a way for your dh to still attend and have earlier, better, discussions about big future milestones and how they will be handled without crying, going to bed and being livid. Likewise for the mum - she could have worded her message so much better.

@IAmKerplunk

"But you paying maintenance for your dss and trying to set him up for his future (whilst amazing and I wish my ds had a step mum like this) it does not buy you a ticket to his graduation."

That's true, but family ties work both ways. The OP should seriously reconsider the support that she is giving.

You’re right they do - but if op has been happy to maintenance and said she will continue paying maintenance until a certain date why would she stop early if that would just punish the dss?
Yes family ties go both ways but we all know that it takes a lot for children to go against their mum and it’s awful that the dss has been put in the middle like this by both parents and stepmom

As long as that doesn't mean the child has to suffer the consequences of his mother's behaviour.

I feel for the kid. He's been put in an invidious position in the middle of all this, through no fault of his own, and it will doubtless have tainted this experience for him (leaving aside the OTT practice of 'graduation' from high school, primary and even nursery these days)!

His mother's actions are not his fault.

With regard to this particular situation, the OP has already conceded that she is not gong to the graudation.

With regard to maintenance: she's paid enough maintenance to see the DSS through secondary education. Anything more should surely be between the boy's mother and father - though I suspect that family income will be taken into account with regard to grants or bursaries, depending on where he goes to uni.

I understand that no child will want to go against his mother. However, the OP has done plenty. It's time for her to look after herself.

Who's going to look after her when she's old? Herself, I should imagine. She's gong to need her money.

Op thats sad.
I thought it was sorted last week. All of you at the graduation and he was going with mates after it. Avoiding who to go to lunch with.

Have his pals bailed out on him?

I think his Dad should message Mum. Because she was happy enough to do lunch with Dad to start with. Even if their is a huge amount of friction between you and mum and you aren't welcome. She must think her and Dad can cope with each other.

No matter what, none of it is the boys fault. Hes stuck in the middle and did his best to avoid making a decision on which side to lunch with.

I agree that the son shouldn't be in this position in the first place. However, he is old enough to be asked if he thinks his father being excluded to appease his mother is a fair outcome? I understand how hard it must be to go against his Mum, but I honestly think he needs to give some consideration to his Dad's feelings, rather than just take the easy option. Why is there no compromise of them attending separately? Why is it Mum's way or nothing? It's setting up a lifetime of Dad being side lined.
OP, I know this is focusing on Dad, and you sound lovely and every bit as deserving of consideration too, but in this instance I think his relationship with his son is the important one.

Anyone who has been stuck between two warring parents before will feel absolute sympathy for the DS here. However much the parents tell themselves they will be fair and it's all ok and they won't put any pressure on the kid, they always do, even inadvertently. It's impossible to make everyone happy, so you often have to just hope the parents who won't make your life hell will be the ones who take the hit. I remember well absolutely cringing and dreading passing on a message from my dad to my mum, even when it was something very trivial.
This isn't personal in my opinion. DS has just taken the easiest path and who can blame him?

I absoultely think hes taken path of least resistance.
I'm certain thats why he wanted to go with mates after the ceremony. It was a 3rd neutral option.

But even using the words ‘excluded’ and ‘appease’ are biased and putting the dss under undue pressure which he just shouldn’t have to deal with. The mum and dad should have had a conversation long before tickets were available where they asked each other ‘how shall we manage this?’ Rather than all the dramatics each parent and step parent has shown. Possibly the dss is the most mature out of all of them.

Why would he mention his mom not wanting them there and upset his son or sway his answer. He got DSS honest feelings which, is that he does want them there. It should be his choice who is at his graduation, his mother is being petty and controlling and unfortunately thinking about herself and not her son.

Your husband needs to put his foot down now he doesn't need her permission to go.
That's what he should have told he from the start and you wouldn't be here now. the graduation is nothing to do with her, he's not going for her, he's going for his son.
I don't know why he even cares if she's upset about his coming.
can you imagine if he was the one who told her she couldn't attend her sons graduation?