Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

So has the mum got 4 tickets now? Who else will join her?

i know someone who’s mum got an extra ticket for her friend to join the graduation. The son graduating was quite bitter about this extra person coming, who he saw as an interloper, and hadn’t deserved to be there. The mum is oblivious and thinks it was nice that her friend also came. Maybe your DSS will have a similar experience: mum not considering/ assuming how he feels, which adds to the bigger picture.

I doubt he wants to have them together on the day. Why would he? The mum had made this very difficult for her son. She could have just left it at two tickets each for her and DH and given no thought to who he was bribing with him - because it is none of her business.

You do know that Mumsnet has made it so you can’t post on one thread under two different usernames now, right?

Sounds like Needspaceforlego was just clarifying the situation for posters who haven’t bothered reading the thread and are still saying that DSS probably doesn’t want the OP there and she should stay away.

Thanks, been using this name since about January. Due a new name soon.

The issue was never going to be who sat in which seats the issue was going to celebrate after it, Mum was hoping her and Dad could put there differances aside for the boy and go out together.
Boy has solved the issue going with his pals.

There is another poster who is Needsmorelego, or something like that.

These are the kind of mothers when their adult kids go NC on them, they blame kids rather than themselves. Just because you are a mother, you don’t own your child.

You should tell him the truth. She bought all 4 tickets to block you and his father to attend the graduation. This mother sounds crazy.

Even though DSS wants her there and she has funded his education?

Yes it's probably worth just warning him that she bought up all 4 allocated tickets, you're still going, but she might be surprised to see you both there. So that if she does see you there and kick off he won't be completely blindsided. And maybe he could arrange a lift to the party with a friend instead of from you, to help take the wind out of her sails.

I'd forgotten that! 🤭
Oops thank you 😁

That’s a brilliant update. I’m so pleased that you are going.

And I look forward to the update of how his mum reacts when she finds out. I really hope she can manage to not make the actual event all about her.

DSS has now said it’s just easier if him and his mum go. She’s being really difficult around the whole event, which is sad.

Bless him , I bet he feels pressured by her . Don’t hold it against him . Just be proud of him and be there for him as you always been . I’m assuming you will be at the graduation just not go with him ?

That's a real shame, OP. But I think you have to respect his wishes and try not to make him feel bad about it. He will thank you in the longer term for not making things difficult.

Perhaps you could find a different way for you and your DH to celebrate his achievement with him on a different date?

Im sorry to read this update. I can understand where he's coming from, its such a big milestone in his life and all this drama must feel overwhelming. Just remember its a long game. All these cumulative acts of selfishness and spite will one day reach a tipping point and then he will have had enough. Perhaps he doesnt have the age or maturity to challenge her yet. Keep providing a positive example and be there for him. Maybe take him out for a seperate celebration or dinner so you can mark the occasion and let him know how proud you are of him and how well he has done.

If there is other tickets available and dss wants you there then you should go. It’s not always about mum and her wishes trumping everyone else’s. Will these people saying you shouldn’t go also be saying this at dss wedding?!

I really don't understand all the fuss when this kid has merely left school after completing the equivalent of A levels. The OP must be dreading the graduation from university.

Just saw your update - I get a feeling she was difficult throughout your and dh whole relationship. It’s about control op

Why can’t your dh still attend?

Your latest is incredibly sad, OP.

Without suggesting that DH has been attempting to buy his love, I think the support, financial and otherwise, that you and DH have been providing to DSS makes it worse. So much so that after graduation DH may want to tell DSS that this decision was very hurtful and ask what kind of relationship he would like with you both in the future.

He, and more importantly his mum, should not expect the benefits that flow from a generous dad and stepmum if they are going to exclude that couple from the celebration of life’s milestones.

Wow. Poor DSS having such a selfish mother.

@poetryandwine raises some interesting points about the future. Because if his mother is shameless enough to emotionally blackmail her own son and cause all this drama over a high school graduation then presumably she will do the same for Uni and beyond.

Oh and reduce the maintenance. No one needs £5k per month to cover half the costs of one child.

@IAmKerplunk his son doesn’t want him
there for fear of upsetting his mum.

That’s sad - because initially she was alright with him attending wasn’t she? Can he make peace with her and both agree to attend with no bad blood and no drama?

I am so sorry OP, this is really sad.

It’s very sad that the mum acted the way she did with her demands and then the dad and sm acted the way they did by getting furious and taking to their bed in tears. Leads me to think there is drama on both sides and ££ is used as a weapon. The parents will have known the high school graduation was on the horizon so why didn’t the dad reach out to the mum asking for a chat about it? The saddest thing is the dad not going but there must be some way back from that.