Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

You’re right they do - but if op has been happy to maintenance and said she will continue paying maintenance until a certain date why would she stop early if that would just punish the dss?

Because in regards to the mother - she can't have her cake and eat it. OP has been subsidizing her rent and significantly contributing to school fees. Yet she treats OP with contempt.

DSS should be living the lifestyle/receiving the education his father and mother can afford.

OP needs to start putting herself first. She has been tremendously supportive - but things clearly need to be re-evaluated.

I agree OP should put herself first - but paying maintenance is not subsidising the mum. My ex tried that one on me (in court) and it didn’t wash then. She has chosen to pay what she pays. We don’t know why the dad isn’t paying. But I do agree the waters have been muddied by the amount of £££ paid by the op ( have clearly caused discord and bitterness (on both sides rightly or wrongly) I just hope dss never finds out his step mum thinks he couldn’t have passed high school without her financial input because that is really not a nice thing to say.
I think when there is a big disparity in income/finances between 2 separated parents it can cause a huge divide where both sides think they are due something for whatever reason.

Did the OP actually say that the SS couldn't have passed high school? She might well have said (truthfully) that the parents couldn't have afforded the private school without her input and therefore wouldn't be graduating from that particular school.

I

Open to interpretation but still not a nice thing to say.

The OP clearly means that he would not have been graduating from that particular private school. She's telling the truth and I'm sure that she doesn't need to say that to her SS - he'll be well aware of it, particularly since the maintenance only

In another post, the OP has said that the maintenance halves upon completion of high school and that the SS will receive that until he's 21. There's no suggestion that the OP would consider stopping that. However, she's currently paying much more than that and it would be sensible of her to stop doing so.

The maintenance which will be paid for the next three years should be more than enough. OP has stated: "The financial commitment to to DSS, not her directly. As long as he lives with her then we will support that, until he is 21. If he moves out it stops. DH will probably give the money directly to him, the it’s up to him to pay his mum board etc."

But he still could have graduated a high school? An a-level is an a-level whatever the school. I
think it’s great the op is doing all that (why not the dad?) but as I said before financial disparity can cause issues between separated parents and the dss should not be put in the middle.
I will also say again things are not black and white, they are more nuanced and I struggle to believe most posters when they state they have behaved perfectly and the opposite parent is crazy/unreasonable etc because that is all subjective. The only part the op admitted to was taking to her bed in tears which I do find a tad dramatic considering it was one text message and nobody had even spoken to the dss at that point. The op may well be a fairy godmother step mum but that still doesn’t mean that either the dad (livid) and mum (making demands) handled things correctly.

So the Mother has thrown a tantrum and is going to make her son feel so shit that he'll end up bending to give her her way on his day.

That poor lad.

She has absolutely no right to do this. She doesn't even pay towards the school he's graduating from, FFS!

Horrible and utterly selfish.

Hard disagree.

She's literally paying for the kid's education, FFS.

Everyone else, including the son, is suffering because Mum is entitled and incapable of putting her child first.

Obviously he would have graduated high school. Just not that one. Clearly, that's what the OP meant.

Its really clear from the OPs sentence: graduation from the school vs graduation from school. We also know that that OP has been paying monthly, over and above whatever legal maintenance the DH owes for attendance at this private school. Context and syntax make the meaning really clear.

Again, nobody can acknowledge that things aren’t always black and white? Nobody can acknowledge that mum and dad haven’t handled this the best? Nobody can acknowledge that dss knew this issue was going to come up and he didn’t know which way to turn? Nobody can acknowledge that maybe however each parent talked to the dss they would be putting their own bias/spin on it? If dad and mum have been separated for years why are things still so awful between them? I just don’t believe it is 100% one sides fault and 0% the other but apparently nobody else can apply any critical thinking and say ‘hang on…’ And that is not to say the OP is not a fabulous step mum!

I can if that helps!

Yay - there is 2 of us 🤣

Just go so you can both watch him graduate but dont sit near the ex or talk to her. No reason she should know youre their together, quietly. What matters is seeing him walk the stage.

I think the majority of posters would acknowledge that its never 100% any one persons fault. I think everyone here feels sorry for the DSS being caught between his parents conflict. Its also possible to hold that opinion, and still feel that in this situation the mother has behaved horribly from the outset at what is ultimately her sons expense.

The point still stands, as the OP is paying more so that they could pay private school fees and pay over and above the legal maintenance, the comment clearly meant her stepson would not be graduating from that school without that financial input. Its not unkind to acknowledge that, and it is unkind to suggest she's passing comment on the boys academic abilities.

I have read right through this and am still of the opinion that absolutely no-one can ban DF from going to a school function, to watch his son "graduate" from senior school (a completely nonsense Americanised concept but each to their own). He is as entitled as DS' DM to be there, not least because without him (or maybe his relationship with the OP), DS would not have had the educational opportunity that's been provided to him by that school, to give him, potentially, a better leg-up to uni. If DF doesn't want to make things tricky for DS - his exW deserves no consideration - he can take a seat nowhere near them, but still watch and be proud of DS, and then leave quietly. Then DF has seen what he wanted to see, even if the chance to congratulate DS in person on the day has been denied him by his bitch of an exW.

I certain don't think the fault is one sided. But we only have Ops side of the story. The Op has been with the Dad for years. which means there is a heck of a back story.

What happened at nursery graduation, primary leavers do? And other school events.

Why in all these years were they unable to get to a mutual point without Op running of in tears and Mum feeling like shes sidelined?

This is sad. I have a friend whose DM has bipolar and this doesn't sound dissimilar. Does she have mental health issues?

The sad thing is this will taint every occasion- DSS getting married etc. It's wicked emotional manipulation.
As the child you end up as the peace keeper.

Sounds like DSS is being manipulated by his mum. Hopefully he’ll move away for university and be able to make his own decisions about things. In situations like this you have to play the long game. Be the constant steady support that he knows he can count on and let him work out for himself how awful his mother is. It think you’ve handled it very well OP. Though to some people on here the very fact that you are a step mum automatically makes you wrong in their eyes.

Sad that you didn't listen to the dozens if not hundreds of posters who suggested you step back so he wouldn't find himself in this position! Poor kid.

Yes it was obvious how the ops dh's son would feel.

Again the dm is 100% wrong but the feelings of a kid caught in the middle of separated parents should always be the priority.

It was weird how the dh knew how this would pan out but went ahead sourcing tickets and arranging transport with the ds knowing the shit would hit the fan sooner or later.

Your ex who is presumably the other parent, so not the same. OP shouldn't be paying anything, she is actually subsidising the ex because she isn't responsible for maintenance for a child that's not hers.

His mum has put him in this position, no one else. It is not up to OP to always correct his mum's shortcomings.

Exactly.

My Mum used to do the same thing and I did the same as DS, appeased her to keep the peace which meant my Dad and Step Mum missed out.

Funnily enough I no longer speak to her and she's not invited to any of mine or my children's events, whereas I am very close to my Dad and Step Mum.

People making out the OP and her H are in anyway the problem here are bonkers.

Some people cannot see past 'step' and immediately attack. Being someone's biological mother doesn't in any way mean they're not a shitty person.