To ask if most people think a child's 'main' home should be with Mum? (Co-parenting)

[CarrieMatthison]

This is my brothers situation not mine, but just wanted to ask for opinions.

My brother has a son who has just turned 4. He was never with his sons mum, it was a short relationship that ended before DN was born but they've co-parented the last 4 years and DN is a happy little boy with a great relationship with both parents.

Since DN was around 18 months they have done a fairly 50/50 split but I'd say in terms of 'responsibilities' my DB does more - he sorts most of his appointments, takes him to clubs and is generally very hands on and engaged. I can't speak for what his ex does as I really don't know her, but DB thinks he is the more 'primary' parent at this point. I suspect she would disagree.

Anyway, the issue is that they need to start looking at primary schools for next September and they can't agree on where his 'main' residence should be and therefore what schools to apply for. They both want it to be their address, local schools to them but they both live in different towns so drop offs and pick ups and therefore continuing 50/50 will be difficult for the parent who ends up not being the resident one. They both very much want to do it though. It'd not financially or logistically possible for either to move.

It's tricky because deep down and as a mother to my own kids I would never in a million years want their main home to be somewhere other than with me! As fabulous as my DH (and DB) is, I'm their mum and it would break me. But DB is adamant that this is just reverse sexism and if they went through court to decide she would 'win' just because she's a woman.

Would love to know what other mums think?

Personally I would be heartbroken if my child wasn’t living with me, and I know my husband would also be equally as heartbroken.

In your case, if it’s 50/50 then it doesn’t really matter which house they put down as the child is spending equal time at both. They should look at the schools and agree together which one would be better for the child.

Doesn't really matter who is primary parent and its not worth a fight about it. I know that you say they can't but I think that the only way for it to continue as 50:50 is for one or both of them to move so that they live closer together, ideally walking distance.

There is no one size fits all.

each situation and family requires different circumstances.

Which town is the GP/dentist in, and who gets CB?

was just about to ask this. Whoever has this is the resident parent. Also it’s worth checking which school is better for the child.

nothing to add I’m afraid other than fearing if one just decides and applies just before the deadline…. What will happen?

where is child currently at nursery? Which school is better?
one parent is going to lose this battle unless a parent moves.

I'm an advocate of 50:50 parenting but it gets complicated if the parents don't live in the same area. I don't think that there should be an automatic assumption that a mother should always be the primary parent simply by virtue of her sex but then I was a male lone parent for many years so maybe I'm biased.

Legally, and assuming they've both got PR, your brother and his ex are obliged to discuss schooling between them. If they can't reach agreement then mediation/courts is the only realistic venue.

How far are they actually away from each other? Are we talking about towns next to each other or 1 hour away

Babies and pre-schoolers yes. Not older ones. DD is 6 and we are divorcing and will be 50/50 but it was 50/50 when married anyway.

3 child free days to work late, do the chores and exercise/socialise. Then 4 days being a “present” parent spending quality time is actually really good!

They need mediation. This was always going to become an issue for school.

Sounds like the parents should agree to live in the same place rather than fighting over how difficult it will be to look after their daughter.

Personally I’d pick the area that has the best schools and then work out the best way for us to facilitate that. It isn’t about either of the parents it’s about the child.

They need to look again at why one or both of them cant move.

How are they sharing the drop offs and pick ups of nursery, friends, clubs etc if they dont live near each other?

Where is the best support network for the child located - before and after school care, extended family, child's friends, activities? Where is the best school for the child? The parents will find it very hard to co parent in different towns, how have they managed up to now? One of them will probably have to move, or not have 50/50.

Up until 18 months it was different. Was he doing 100% of the care until then? Of course he wasn’t. She was doing most of it. For over a third of his life she was the primary carer, and his first strong attachment.

Normally I’d feel very sympathetic towards your DB, if he genuinely does a decent 50:50. But the ‘reverse sexism’ ‘courts will do x’ makes him sound not only like a F4J type, but also as though he doesn’t appreciate the work she did, and the bond she formed, for the first 18 months.

This sounds like an almost impossible situation because it's so subjective. Your DB thinks he's doing more care partly because he takes their son to clubs, but hanging out at home is equally valid parenting.

Using CB as an indicator feels unfair because it incentivises claiming the CB. The ideal would be to work out which school is most suitable and the child is likely to get a place at and plan applications around that. But both parents will have a bias towards schools near them. I don't think there necessarily is a 'best' to choose.

Your DB sounds great. Your nephew is lucky to have two parents who care and are involved.

I think it’s complex but in this case I’d hope dh and i would be pragmatic so Who lives near the better school?

Anyone can claim child benefit and if the person gets in first, ergo they receive the CB.

I would imagine in this case, by default the mother is in reciept anyway.

However my point is, its not quite the marker of who does the most care or who the child lives with that people think it is.

She gets CB I think, because DB has never mentioned that. Dentist is in DBs town and doctors in hers!

Vehicle access and work would come into it.

My daughter's dad lives over an hour away but he drives her to school and back home after contact.

I don't drive. School will be in my area as resident parent but also because she will go to school near home so we can walk there every day.

Does he drive? It's less of an issue if he drives.

What you’re asking really is who gets to choose the school closest to them?

I think partly this probably comes down to which is the better school for the child. But on a practical level, it has to do with who will - on a long term basis - be shouldering more of the work of the child going to school. Who is going to be doing the school runs? Which one of them has the flexibility to do the 3pm pick ups? Who will be doing the sick days and the meetings about phonics in the middle of the day and the cake sales? There is a lot of stuff that requires you to turn up in the middle of the day at school and the days are quite short.

Realistically, it’s worth considering that 50/50 will probably need to change during the school years. It will be a lot for a child to travel to school if we’re talking say 40 minutes each way instead of 10 minutes. It will also be a lot to swap back and forth every week between homes when there are activities and birthday parties and play dates. It may be that the child needs to be with one parent during the week or most of it and will the other outside of that. The parent who can facilitate that, has the most flexible hours, not working shifts, able to finish by 3pm is likely to be the best parent for that, all other things being equal. Contact should be built around maximising quality time with each parent.

He currently attends a childminder who is a family friend of hers who happily lives closer to DB than his ex - pick up and drop off times are much more flexible than with school and he's not there FT so has been less of an issue than school will be...

They've not seen the schools yet but all have good Reputations AFAIK in both areas.

One needs to move closer to the other to maintain 50/50. If one isn’t willing to move closer then drop 50/50. The child needs an education. Sometimes 50/50 isn’t feasible but that doesn’t mean both parents aren’t good loving parents to the child. Who is receiving the cb?

30-45 mins depending on time of day. Both drive

50/50 care only works if you live close together. Otherwise, a main residence is needed.

I wouldn't be so quick to believe him when he says he does most of the work either. Men always vastly overestimate their contribution to life.

I think 50/50 is horrible for children. It's more about selfish parents and their needs. A child needs a main base.

I was a 50/50 kid and I would rather be the secondary parent than ever do the same to mine.

If they loved the kid they'd pick the school best suited for him and the house that has a parent most available to parent.