To ask if most people think a child's 'main' home should be with Mum? (Co-parenting)

[CarrieMatthison]

This is my brothers situation not mine, but just wanted to ask for opinions.

My brother has a son who has just turned 4. He was never with his sons mum, it was a short relationship that ended before DN was born but they've co-parented the last 4 years and DN is a happy little boy with a great relationship with both parents.

Since DN was around 18 months they have done a fairly 50/50 split but I'd say in terms of 'responsibilities' my DB does more - he sorts most of his appointments, takes him to clubs and is generally very hands on and engaged. I can't speak for what his ex does as I really don't know her, but DB thinks he is the more 'primary' parent at this point. I suspect she would disagree.

Anyway, the issue is that they need to start looking at primary schools for next September and they can't agree on where his 'main' residence should be and therefore what schools to apply for. They both want it to be their address, local schools to them but they both live in different towns so drop offs and pick ups and therefore continuing 50/50 will be difficult for the parent who ends up not being the resident one. They both very much want to do it though. It'd not financially or logistically possible for either to move.

It's tricky because deep down and as a mother to my own kids I would never in a million years want their main home to be somewhere other than with me! As fabulous as my DH (and DB) is, I'm their mum and it would break me. But DB is adamant that this is just reverse sexism and if they went through court to decide she would 'win' just because she's a woman.

Would love to know what other mums think?

Other posters hold similar views about these type of arrangements so I don't think I am in isolation about it! It's utterly selfish and done only to please the parents. It's got nothing to do with the welfare of the children in all these situations with 2-2-3 custody arrangements.

And the children are unable to get time to make friends in the local neighbourhood at either house because they're too busy flitting back and forth. Again, utterly selfish.

The op has said clearly that they both do the appointments. It’s rather patronising it’s ’lovely he does lots and overnights’. How fecking rude. Would you say ‘isn’t it sweet she does lots and has overnights’?

they both parent equally. It happens regardless of sexist views that men couldn’t possible parent as well. I’ve known some men who are leagues better than the mums.

the OP also clearly states they both drive. Maybe reading the OP rather than leaping in with sexiest rhetoric would be wise. And yes it would be better if they lived closer. Perhaps mum should move

I think it can be either. But personally not a fan of 50-50, think a primary base is better

Or the mother could move closer to the father

See I lived with my dad after my parents divorced when I was 8. I wasn't heartbroken. What a strange comment

And a child that's never known 2 parents together had a different normal to kids whose parents have split up

@bumbaloo Why are you so angry? The standard position is for pre school and young KS1 dc to be with the primary carer unless there’s a very good reason not to. In fact the default arrangement is 9/14 nights with mum. Parents very rarely parent equally. Dads tot up what they do and ignore half of what mum does because they see childcare as transactional. It’s something to win and prove you are good at it. That doesn’t make it equal though and arguing over a night or two with DSs mum is, frankly, making him a poor parent as it’s all about him and not DS.

Where the address is that's used for the child's healthcare should be what the main residence is. Right now the parents are making it about them instead of the child. I moved town under different circumstances but it was the best decision because of the school my son went to, he has additional needs and they went above and beyond for him. Co-parenting is really hard for everyone, my kids have lived with their father and it didn't work out when it came to education. Ultimately it needs to be stripped down to the basics in regards to the needs and opportunities for the child in order to come to the correct decision.

Just by reading these comments and the entitlement of these good auld mumsnet mums as usual..your brother is very right in what he says..omg of course the Mum should have him it's only right..fgs give over.. your brother sounds great,I hope they can resolve this and he's not left as a part time Dad,alot of these miserable bitches on here are only jealous they couldn't find a man like him xx

Over my dead body would my children's main residence not be with me. I grew them, breastfed them, co-slept for two years each, then provided most of their care. I am fond of their father and he's a good dad but they very much live with me and I won't have it otherwise until they're teenagers (if they wanted 50:50 then)

I agree 50:50 is about the adults not the children.

In reality your DB is a part time dad already because he has 50/50.
As a divorced mum the hardest part of the divorce was not to have my babies with me 100% of the time as they previously had been and I had more than 50%. I can honestly say it took me years to get over them not being around when they were young...now they are teens, I have no problem with it

Not the case with the OPs brother though. People don't seem to see the difference between a child that's lived with2 parents who later split up and a child whose parents have never lived together

A judge likely wouldn’t agree with you if it was contested!

I breastfed DD for 26 months, coslept etc but we are still doing 50/50 (she is now 6). Fortunately we agreed things amicably but a judge would have awarded it anyway.

We are flexibly co-parenting so don’t count the minutes or care about money.

What you want doesn’t carry much weight in decisions.

How would you know what a judge would do if you didn't try?

It's the parent that gets the Child benefit paid. That's the one the government says is primary parent. That's the address that gets the letters. Which address is on the GP system?

A close family member is a family law barrister. Another is a magistrate in family court. I know exactly how it works. I chose not to contest it because I think it’s the right thing to do.

Our family set up while married was that my husband did about 50/50 anyway so I had no desire to upset that dynamic. I needed him to do his share so I could continue in my career. On my office days I am out of the house for 14 hours, so DD is used to that. The only change is at the weekends and it’s actually quite good to have some alone time.

If we’d split when she was a baby that’d be different, but as amicable co-parents living near each other it’s fine. We are happy to
flex things, I do the swimming lessons every Sat morning because I want to. We did 50/50 of school hols anyway so that’s not changed. I do more parties because I like the mum gossip and ex not as keen but he will do any I can’t and would do half it I wanted him to. Equally if he wants to go and visit his batshit mother overseas a few times a year I’m happy for him to take DD.

We can still manage an occasional “family” outing too. We may even spend some
Christmas days together in the future. It doesn’t have to be awful (there was no abuse or anything particularly bad in our relationship).

@FancyCatSlave I thought family courts didn’t have Magistrates, only judges? Magistrates are laypeople who are not legally trained, they work in criminal courts but I’ve never heard of a family court Magistrate..?

They have a different remit to judges, but they definitely do exist. I had lunch with my family member today!
https://www.magistrates-association.org.uk/about-magistrates/jurisdictions/family-court/

https://www.gov.uk/become-magistrate

Someone needs to move, 50:50 won’t work for them, it’s unfair on the kid to do that amount of travel. DH and his ex have 50:50 with DSD and have since she was a toddler but we live literally a 5 min drive apart. I strongly believe 50:50 is best but only where parents live close together, otherwise it’s unfair for school, clubs, wanting to go out with friends when older, etc.

@Anthempart2 Unforrunately family cases are heard in magistrates courts! Fairly common and probably not acceptable as they are not fully trained and don’t have the same background as most judges.