To ask if most people think a child's 'main' home should be with Mum? (Co-parenting)

[CarrieMatthison]

This is my brothers situation not mine, but just wanted to ask for opinions.

My brother has a son who has just turned 4. He was never with his sons mum, it was a short relationship that ended before DN was born but they've co-parented the last 4 years and DN is a happy little boy with a great relationship with both parents.

Since DN was around 18 months they have done a fairly 50/50 split but I'd say in terms of 'responsibilities' my DB does more - he sorts most of his appointments, takes him to clubs and is generally very hands on and engaged. I can't speak for what his ex does as I really don't know her, but DB thinks he is the more 'primary' parent at this point. I suspect she would disagree.

Anyway, the issue is that they need to start looking at primary schools for next September and they can't agree on where his 'main' residence should be and therefore what schools to apply for. They both want it to be their address, local schools to them but they both live in different towns so drop offs and pick ups and therefore continuing 50/50 will be difficult for the parent who ends up not being the resident one. They both very much want to do it though. It'd not financially or logistically possible for either to move.

It's tricky because deep down and as a mother to my own kids I would never in a million years want their main home to be somewhere other than with me! As fabulous as my DH (and DB) is, I'm their mum and it would break me. But DB is adamant that this is just reverse sexism and if they went through court to decide she would 'win' just because she's a woman.

Would love to know what other mums think?

Lots of family and friends in both. So far activities just in DBs area but no reason why couldn't be either/both.

Mum.

Sorry Op, however, this is one thing only your brother and mum will know what is best for the child. You simply cannot accept 100% what your brother says to you. You literally have to live this exact scenario to have a fair opinion. Those who mentioned mediation have got it 100%

I agree with this.

He absolutely was there for the first 18 months. Not in the same way because DN was a small breastfed baby who needed his mum, but he took a good chunk of paternity and helped her every way he could. They gradually built up to 50/50 at her request but he has ALWAYS been present. The older he got the more DB took on and now they both have equally strong bonds.

You're so funny - I was just gonna say that myself !

He is a lucky boy to be fair, no shortage of love either side!

This would be my experience, but only you know your brother OP - do you think he completely genuinely does 50% or more of every aspect of raising his child, or does he have him for 50% of the hours and think that means the same thing?

You know, this is spot on. Start with finding thr school best suited to DN and work back from there.

Agree with PP they need to properly look at schools. Not just results but clubs, wraparound care, logistics of getting there and back. That should be the starting point then how they can make it happen. They might have to change access arrangements round a bit as well.

Very young children should have main home with mum.

under 1 definitely mum.

By the time you are looking at school age it’s much less clear. If they both live in different towns then someone is going to lose here.

Maybe if he’s already settled with a childminder the school should be near her so that they can continue using her for some pick-ups/drop-offs and holiday cover.

Ultimately it should come down to which school will be best for DN for both his education and social life - what after school provision is there, clubs etc, where will his friends go, who’s likely to be able to facilitate play dates and that kind of thing.

Personally I also think we need a societal shift so people stop judging mums who aren’t the primary parent (even if it’s only by a few hours with 50:50). For a number of reasons - and none related to parenting or how well we got on - one of mine lived full time with their dad as a teen. I’ve never felt more judged before or since “ohhh, I could never do that…”. People behaved as though I was some low-life, neglectful, emotionless mother and treated their dad like a superhero! It broke my heart but was the absolute best thing for DC.

Sorry, didn’t meant to de-rail and rant! I really hope your DB and his ex can work together to do the best for DN and not use it as a point scoring exercise.

He is my brother so I feel I can answer this honestly. He tries so hard and cares so much. He will research everything and try to give him all the opportunities and seems to genuinely love doing all the 'boring' things like appointments and haircuts and bath/bed time. He's so organised and was born to be a parent, I genuinely think he would do it all if his ex let him. I know what a disney dad is because our dad was one, and DB is definitely not.

30-45 mins away isn’t that far. I drive my DD to nursery 50 mins away daily. (My mum does childcare for us and nursery pick ups)

Can they not agree on a school that’s sort of in the middle of them both, so that school might be 20 mins away from each other?

It would be the biggest gift to their child if they could manage to live walking distance apart.

I think that the fact he goes to a child minder already near your brother means that he should consider that area because of the link that is already there, child minder cover is important.

Sorry I meant DB lives closer to the childminders than to his ex's rather than he lives closer to CM than ex does if that makes sense! She is kind of mid way between them, maybe slightly closer to ex but negligible.

I did say to DB a while back what about a schools equidistant to them both but I also said that I didn't think it was that ideal. My kids school is walkable and it's worth it's weight in gold, plus the fact that around here kids tend to get into schools based on distance so they'd be at a disadvantage.

It’s really great to read a post where the dad is pulling his weight when most posts on here are about how he doesn’t!

It sounds a tricky situation, and if they can’t resolve it between them, mediation would be best.

I would get them both to look around each of the different school options - if one stands out to both of them, put down the parent who is closer.

if they’re still undecided, as others have said, look at all other aspects - wraparound care, which parent will find it easier to drop everything to pick up early if called, which parent would have the better/easier journey if they’re the one travelling (eg they might be 10 miles apart, but one direction could take 50 mins where as the opposite takes 20 mins due to traffic at school run time), does their child have any friends moving to one of the schools, or already there?

In an ideal world, once the school has been picked (assuming they get a place there), the other parent would look to find a way of moving closer.

He sounds great then, but it makes it all the more difficult to sort the school thing. Is there absolutely no way either of the could move closer?

Barring that, as PPs have said it'll mean considering all the pros and cons of all the available schools and choosing the best one for the child. And one or other of them will have to do the extra distance for pick ups etc. It would certainly be a shame for him to have less time with his child.

Which parent claims the child benefit?

I think we would all hate to pack up our belongings and live in a different home each week especially as the child gets older. Older children need a settled base to call home parents should do everything to live closer to each other and put the child’s needs first.

They are right to be planning this now. They need to focus on the child and ensure the child's commute is as minimal as possible whilst still seeing both parents as much as possible.
50/50 might have to go by the way side for the good of the child and/or it gets a bit more complicated in terms of thinking over a 2 week period. 1 week and 1 week is hideous. But taking dad now 1-2 nights doesn't have to be the answer here.
Moving to be nearer each other is ultimately the best thing.
Check the catchment of each school carefully and the admissions policy. Does the council have known children data on the website
For goodness sake don't let them both apply in different LAs.

Why ?

50/50 is usually only good for the parents - in my experience it was shit as the child in the scenario - don't really have a home as neither is permanent - most adults wouldn't want to live that way. Depending on where the school is may change the 50/50 dynamic, whether intentional or not.

In their situation I'd list all the schools in catchment for both homes and then decide on the schools merits - regardless of location.

Maybe I’m not picking up on something but you say that your brother does a lot - all the activities are in his town, he does most of the caring responsibilities. Therefore he should be the main residence because he IS the main parent. It would still be possible to do 50/50, just slightly more disruptive.