To ask if most people think a child's 'main' home should be with Mum? (Co-parenting)

[CarrieMatthison]

This is my brothers situation not mine, but just wanted to ask for opinions.

My brother has a son who has just turned 4. He was never with his sons mum, it was a short relationship that ended before DN was born but they've co-parented the last 4 years and DN is a happy little boy with a great relationship with both parents.

Since DN was around 18 months they have done a fairly 50/50 split but I'd say in terms of 'responsibilities' my DB does more - he sorts most of his appointments, takes him to clubs and is generally very hands on and engaged. I can't speak for what his ex does as I really don't know her, but DB thinks he is the more 'primary' parent at this point. I suspect she would disagree.

Anyway, the issue is that they need to start looking at primary schools for next September and they can't agree on where his 'main' residence should be and therefore what schools to apply for. They both want it to be their address, local schools to them but they both live in different towns so drop offs and pick ups and therefore continuing 50/50 will be difficult for the parent who ends up not being the resident one. They both very much want to do it though. It'd not financially or logistically possible for either to move.

It's tricky because deep down and as a mother to my own kids I would never in a million years want their main home to be somewhere other than with me! As fabulous as my DH (and DB) is, I'm their mum and it would break me. But DB is adamant that this is just reverse sexism and if they went through court to decide she would 'win' just because she's a woman.

Would love to know what other mums think?

they need to agree to live in same town. Then it will be a lot easier all round

Is there an option in between? You can put a reason on not selecting the local school

I'm a dad, but have co-parented for almost the whole of my child's life.
We put our cold first at every point. Strictly 50/50 split and a commitment to live within a couple of miles of each other until he has left school.
Cold doesn't have a main residence, there are 2 homes, both equal. For financial reasons for things like child benefit my ex was registered as the primary household, but for everything else it depends on which address was better. It's not easy and requires sacrifice for both adults, but you just can't do 50/50 whilst living too far apart.

@Breli It does matter. They cannot have two catchment schools, one for mum and one for dad. The resident parent should be the one who has registered the doctors surgery and receives child benefit. It’s not just about workload because this can depend on jobs.
Of course they must decide on who is the resident parent OP and your DB needs to stop arguing! It’s about what’s best for dc, not fighting against a woman. He needs to grow up for the sake of dc.

I agree. It’s lovely that he does lots and overnights but she has been his main attachment figure for so long, and worked so well with your brother I don’t think she should be punished for doing this. He takes him to activities but who is doing the medical appointments and immunizations? Who is doing play dates?
also who has a car and more flexible jobs?
I don’t think it’s good for a child to do a 40 min drive before school they should have a brisk walk or scoot there that’s much better for them.
I think your brother either needs to move near his ex or accept a commute. It would be awful to basically take this child away from a good mother (as he’d have to have her more in the week) just because your brother doesn’t want a long commute. Yes I maybe biased but I’d hate this to happen to me!

So the poor child will have no local friends to play with in walking distance

Ps why on earth would he drag this poor woman through court I hope he doesn’t.

@Bobbingtons Why do dc have to be carved up to your wishes? Many many parents cannot afford to run 2 homes in a town, especially if the area is expensive. It’s really not possible and many people have to have less than 50 % due to work commitments. When dc are living in two homes it can become confusing and unsettled. It’s not child centred at all, it’s adult centred in terms of getting their share.

It does sound horrible. They do one week for each parent don't they? That sounds utterly dire.

My ex has EOW and a midweek night and half hols. Standard.

Child has stuff we each provide at each of our homes, but I have lives with and this is her home. She's been here all her life and he moved around a lot and moved his girlfriend in soon after moving to his own place.

I know my child is safe and secure at her dad's though and he pays for anything they do and I pay for anything I do.

We don't have much messing around to be honest and my child does have a secure home.

Has the chile encountered any issues with not having a main permanent home? Do you bicker about finances if the balance falls out? If child wants to do an extra night at one house for whatever reason do you both allow it?

My Dc as an adult still says what we did was the best thing in the circumstances when she compares it with other friends of hers.
Our changeover day was a Friday evening and we made sure she had everything she needed. She ould get to secondary school quite easily from both houses. She had her bedroom in each house as she liked it - no sharing with siblings. She had double parties sometimes, one at each house with the relevant families. We never discussed money because we didn’t need to - as a teen she had her own allowance for clothes in her own account which we paid her family allowance as it was then called into. I tended to buy her clothes at other times and her dad would just pay me half.
Shes a parent now, we all spend time together as a family with her DD and I honestly believe it absolutely was the best thing to do

Actually I'd say he has a wonderful attachment to my DB as well. And she's not worked with him, they've worked together. Brilliantly, I might add.

But why is it a punishment to do it to her but not the other way around?

They both do medical appointments. Both do play dates. Both drive and can work flexibly. Literally all things are equal apart from he is dad and she is mum.

My gut agrees with what you're saying as it's how I feel as my kids mum too, but I just wonder why this is.

I've tried not to make comparisons because I genuinely think they are both excellent parents and he is a credit to them both, but in fairness to DB he literally makes it his life's work to ensure that little boy has everything he needs, eats well, has a good routine, good relationships with family etc. He's perfectly capable of all the 'life admin that people talk about on here, filling in forms, buying birthday gifts, getting him where he needs to be on time and looking presentable etc. He's more organised than me to be honest!

They both own their own places but neither can afford the moving costs- solicitors, stamp duty etc. Everything is tight as it is. He's looked into it so many times but it just isn't financially doable as much as he wants it to be.

50/50 is shit for kids as they get older. I'm constantly dropping uniform or items to the school. Pets have to be left for half the week. Can't accept play dates and parties without having to contact other parent. It's for the benefit of parents not kids. It's great for kids to have 2 loving parents in their lives but they don't need to be sliced up like a pizza.

I actually do think they should look at somewhere in between that they would both be happy living - even if not right now than in the future. Then hopefully get a school place there with the view to moving in the future. It won't matter so much whilst little but as he gets older will want to be near friends to socialise with.

Yes I think you are right in most cases. Of course, not all. Women ARE more nurturing after all and it's been that way since the beginning of time.

But how do they split the 50/50? Unless its week on week off, one parent will be doing more of the school week. Who is it currently?

The biggest gift they could give the child is to move within walking distance of each other. Financials may suffer, but that’s the best outcome for the child who will want to walk home from school within the next 3-4 years

Its not about gender. Where is best? What town is the school in? How long wld it take to get from each place?

I work in a school, parents use this to their advantage and list the main residence as that that’s in the best catchment area….

I'd say for the majority of people I know, Mum would be "better" at it, but I know of a few families where Dad is more the 'primary' parent (though they are all still married) so I do see that there are situations where the Dad should be the 'main' caregiver. In this situation, they should look at the school options, and choose which school is the best for for the child.

I would have absolutely hated 50/50 parenting as a child. I know it was a long time ago but I really only wanted one main home to come to every day. The idea of the school midway between them also sounds horrible, it won't be close to any of his school friends and won't be walkable or anything, and when he gets to the stage when he wants to go with friends he'll never be able to.
I would just pick one school near one of the houses. Sounds like the mother is the resident parent as CB and GP are based on her address. GP is based on address and dentists are not.

@CarrieMatthisonYou are not looking at this from a child perspective. Only from an adult one who wants their share of dc. Thats not often best for dc. Often one home from Monday to at least Thursday works best. The child has a base and the school should be the catchment one for that property. Local Authorities have rules about applications for schools and you and DB should read them. You cannot get offers of two places for one child. They need to work out logistics for one school and bear in mind that consistency is best during the school week for reading practice, play dates, chat with school etc.

If they continue to disagree they will have to go to court but that can take ages. As mum has registered doctor and presumably has child benefit, most LAs and schools would say she is the resident parent and it’s her address to be used. For the good of dc, your DB needs to back off.

Kids can make friends that have nothing to do with school. Stuff like clubs, church and sports as well as playing out with local kids

No idea why all friends should be school related

Many kids can't walk home from school. One of mine would've had a 7 mile trip each way. My DGS Can't walk the 4 miles to his school either.

Neither arested by 50/50 care

I agree with this. It isn’t fair to a child to share it out as though it was a cake. Everybody needs a have a place they call home. Not 2 different places where they lodge at different times of the week.