To ask if most people think a child's 'main' home should be with Mum? (Co-parenting)

[CarrieMatthison]

This is my brothers situation not mine, but just wanted to ask for opinions.

My brother has a son who has just turned 4. He was never with his sons mum, it was a short relationship that ended before DN was born but they've co-parented the last 4 years and DN is a happy little boy with a great relationship with both parents.

Since DN was around 18 months they have done a fairly 50/50 split but I'd say in terms of 'responsibilities' my DB does more - he sorts most of his appointments, takes him to clubs and is generally very hands on and engaged. I can't speak for what his ex does as I really don't know her, but DB thinks he is the more 'primary' parent at this point. I suspect she would disagree.

Anyway, the issue is that they need to start looking at primary schools for next September and they can't agree on where his 'main' residence should be and therefore what schools to apply for. They both want it to be their address, local schools to them but they both live in different towns so drop offs and pick ups and therefore continuing 50/50 will be difficult for the parent who ends up not being the resident one. They both very much want to do it though. It'd not financially or logistically possible for either to move.

It's tricky because deep down and as a mother to my own kids I would never in a million years want their main home to be somewhere other than with me! As fabulous as my DH (and DB) is, I'm their mum and it would break me. But DB is adamant that this is just reverse sexism and if they went through court to decide she would 'win' just because she's a woman.

Would love to know what other mums think?

It depends on the quality of both parents. 🤷‍♀️

Something I have seen suggested, that I think is quite interesting, is that the child remains in one home and the parents move between the house depending on custody agreements. Not sure how feasible it really is, but the fact that so many adults would outright refuse shows that 50/50 isn’t fair on the children!

And women always make sweeping generalisations

Agree with others, it may be that your db and his ex need to figure out where they both live to better and more easily manage when dc start school. This isnt a unique situation based on co parenting. Lots of parents have to thibk about how to adjust things when their dc start school - work, childcare, etc.

So now that there will be a new routine, its about a lot more than just where your nephew lives. They have a LOT of things to navigate.

I 100% agree about the societal shift. My Dh and I are also pretty 50/50 parents but he gets so much praise for his 50% whereas I feel guilty all the time that I should be doing more!

I feel like (and I'm sure DBs ex feels the same) that if there was a split I'd get judged for not being their 'main carer' and DH would be seen as superman, whereas the other way around is just normal, no judgement on the dad for just pitching in where he can.

Have any of you actually been the ‘50/50, exactly fair’ child in all this? I have, it was utterly miserable. Having your belongings spread over 2 houses is shit, I was constantly forgetting school books, leaving items I wanted at the other house, and traipsing an overnight bag to school every few days was miserable. Neither house felt like home, just like I was staying with mum/dad and their partners who I intensely disliked (and disliked me). Both wanted me to have birthday parties etc at the other house and bickered over who owed who what financially if I stayed one extra night out of schedule at one of their houses.

This is why I will NEVER put my kids through this unless I have no choice aka DP leaves me. Every other weekend and 1 night midweek is absolutely fine so long as you’re calling/texting regularly.

If they only live around 40 mins from each other, if they both moved 20 mins nearer each other, then they would live round the corner from each other, but still only 20 mins away from where they live now (for work purposes or whatever)

Do they rent or do they own? Easier to move if you rent. Perhaps they could try to find flats in the same block or street or something.

If they own, thats not so easy. (although rentals are hard to come by these days too)

That poster isn’t wrong.

My dad was absolutely relentless in examining the minutiae of ‘what he did for us’ - when it was no more than mum did. He sat getting drunk with his girlfriend every night and short of leaving the front door open for us did fuck all else

The LA may have specific guidance on which would be considered his home. Criteria such as who receives Child Benefit or where the child is registered for gp, or they may leave it to parents to agree,

What are their working patterns? How is the 50/50 split? Who is likely to be most available at the school gates, or for parents evenings, or to have friends come over?
You say DB does more activities, is that because most of his time falls on the weekend for example?

Will pick ups / drops off be 50/50? How will the split work?

It makes the most sense to go for a school 20 mins from each of them thus in the middle of both parents. Also consider secondary schools though - where is the best option for that? Because child is going to make friends in primary and want to go to secondary school with those children.

I was in this situation. DS was pretty much 50/50 since a year old and his dad and I never lived together. 20 mins or so drive apart.

He used my address for primary school simply as the schools are better.. However his school was still a drive for both of us

It doesn't tend to work like that though. By the time DS was a teenager he just rocked up at whatever house he fancied. He had everything he needed at both houses so not much charged back and forth

I think they should look at secondary schools too before making a choice on primary. Pick whichever primary is most likely to lead to a good secondary.

Both parents need to just figure out a plan that allows them to be equally involved now that the child has a busier life. They need to think long term, all the way through secondary school. One or both parents moving should be on the table to make life easier for the child.

@Anthempart2doesnt make that poster right, just means you relate 🤷🏻‍♀️

How can you tell what a secondary school will be like in 7 years time??

And the primary doesn't ad much difference if you live out of area by secondary age. Only one out of my 3 went to the secondary school that the majority of primary schoolmates did. And ironically that child was only in the primary just over a year ( started year 5)

Sure they might improve or decrease in some areas but change can take a long time. They might be very different to each other in terms of demographics, ethos, accessibility. These fundamentals won't change really.

For a long time my dc main residence for school/drs/dentist etc has been xh's address, but only because he stayed in the marital home whilst I moved around a few different rentals. Dd1 had already started school when we split. The furthest apart we lived was about 15 minutes, but the morning school run for me was half an hour or so.

More recently I've bought a house 5 minutes away from xh. Both dds are now in high school and I wanted them to be able to go to school/between homes independently. I have always claimed the CB though, and my address is registered with the school now.

Can they look further ahead to make plans? Where will dn go to secondary? Should they be thinking about catchment for that? Lots to consider but personally I don't think 50/50 is practical with how far apart they live

I see someone has got there before me but in cases where I've seen genuine 50:50 care work well (yes I think it is possible) there is no packing up of belongings involved, the children have complete sets of everything, one at each house (two sets of school uniform and home clothes, PE kit, toys, computers, bikes, XBox, toiletries, medications, the lot). The only things that need to move with them are special comfort items and occasionally big ticket items like musical instruments or 'big' sports/hobby kit that it's impractical to have two of. The children genuinely do feel as though they have two complete and stable homes, not that they're moving their one home each day or week or constantly changing. As they get older this has a lot of benefits as they can move flexibily between houses based on what they've got on and how they're feeling. Obviously this is expensive for the parents (maintaining two complete separate homes) and only tends to work where there's geographical proximity plus a good degree of tolerance and cooperation between the parents, and I do agree it's probably a more suitable solution for primary aged kids onwards than babies and preschoolers but it can be absolutely brilliant for teens...

But if neither of you live in the" right" area then it won't make much Odds and certainly the primary school makes no difference to secondary places

We lived 15 miles apart and did 50/50 which involved a round trip of 25 miles every morning and evening but only every other week. It was doable. I would work longer hours on the week dc was with ex.

Put the issue of main residence aside and look at all possible together school in both towns, and decide on the most suitable one. It may ease the stalemate.

I'm just giving an opinion that the parents might want to consider where they might want their kid to go to secondary, when they're picking which primary to apply for, in which town. It might not make a difference, sure. But using where I live as an example, it would. There is 1 secondary school in my town that all the primaries go to. If you drive 30-40 mins away then there are completely different secondary schools and none of the kids come here to school. If it's not relevant then no worries. It's just a suggestion to consider. Primary school goes quickly!

Your dad is one man, not all men. My kids' father thinks he's an equal parent, but he isn't. My father was absolutely equal, so is my brother, and my best friend's husband.