Asking partner not to eat food I’m severely allergic to ?

[mermaidproblems]

Am I BU? I didn’t think so ?!!!

MIL has lost it today over DP not being able to have fish and chips with her . I’m allergic to fish, shellfish and peanuts. We’ve always had the agreement he avoids these foods too. She has sent me a message telling me I’m too controlling and ‘you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat’

It's your MiL being controlling here, and pretty nasty.

I would be tempted to reply along the lines of "I don't make him do anything, but as he loves me he does try not kill me. I would thank you for raising a lovely, considerate man, but it seems that must have come from elsewhere." However, that's a bad idea. Ignore it. Just block her number so she can't message you again.

Your DP is doing what he needs to. It's a shame he has such a sorry excuse for a parent, but he seems to be resilient and has not let it make him unreasonable.

I actually wouldn’t know what to reply to a message like that from my MIL. So I wouldn’t reply at all. Your allergies are none of her business, your boyfriend can handle his own mum. I don’t see where you come into this

Really??

What if op @mermaidproblems is severely allergic... If he had a tiny amount of fish in his lips and kissed her and she had anaphylaxis and died??

Is that controlling?!

I've been around people that even if the allergen is in the air - they have to use an epipen...

Allergies are real!!

How long have you been together?

I'd just reply and say "I'm sorry that you feel that I am being controlling. My severe allergy to fish is life threatening and this is a decision your very lovely son has made of his own accord so that I don't end up in hospital. Again.
You have raised a really fantastic man and I am lucky to have him"

And then see if she has any come back 😜

Not unreasonable at all when you are that sensitive to traces of it.

When I was at University my housemates girlfriend was similarly sensitive to eggs. He stopped eating them and I wouldn't cook them if she was visiting or staying over. It's just not worth the risk or the worry.

"He said he explained to her, she was upset as wanted to have the same as apparently when you have fish and chips everyone has the same..."
After a lifetime of eating fish and chips in various parts of the UK I've never heard of everyone having to have the same meal if it's F&C! DH quite often has battered sausage. Not a euphemism.
It's just about control on your MIL's part.
(Then she can tell everyone about your "supposed" allergy cos her DS ate it and you were absolutely fine.... whether you were ok or not. Nasty and ignorant.)

MIL was going on about how he loved fish and he’s being deprived. He was more than happy to have a meal with her but she wanted them to have the same !

She sounds like the controlling one. I'd simply ignore her.

She should take your/your partner's word for it that to be around fish makes you unwell and that he's chosen not to eat it, in order to protect you.

However, trying to play devil's advocate a bit. You said that your DP saw the result of your allergy when you first got together. Presumably he avoided fish after that.

But your MIL presumably didn't see this, so is she actually aware of what happens when you come into contact with fish? Could it be that she think you only get a mild, rather than very severe, reaction, or just come out in a rash?

If she IS aware then she's a melodramatic cowbag, who needs to educate herself.

Your MIL sounds the controlling one. If sh wants to have lunch with her son, why can't she just go somewhere else?

I think the bigger problem her is the way she lashed out at you.

YANBU op. I have a similar issue with a slightly weirder, harder to avoid allergy.

My oh made the same choice as yours. Just don't have it then there's no problem. In return he doesn't like fish so I don't eat it.

Maybe once a year he'll treat himself to my allergy foods but only if we're apart long enough for it to no longer be issue when we're back together. (And I'll sneak a fish cake!)

But as you can see a lot of people just don't get it, including your MIL. It's just not worth the effort to explain it, just let it wash over you.

Well, is she prepared to have him go to her house afterwards to wait a while, then shower, clean his teeth and change, while she washes his clothes? I know my niece ended up in the emergency room after a friend she was playing with had eaten a peanut butter sandwich several hours before, then breathed on her. Another friend had to use an epipen after touching a door handle used by someone who had just handled tuna. I don't know how sensitive you are, but she is being a CF.

I think unless you have seen a full blown allergy reaction in progress you may not have a clue just how fast and severe they can be. Most people can imagine, although MIL clearly can’t even do that, but it’s impossible to convey to those that think it’s just a wee glitch.

I think your partner has the right approach quite honestly in avoiding altogether, he’s a keeper. His mum can do one.

I know fancy actually WANTING to stay alive

Totally selfish

Never heard of that! I'm surprised it hasn't cropped up on one of the Fife threads!

It sounds like it’s been entirely his choice to give up fish. He needs to tell his mum this.

He prefers kissing his wife to eating one option off of the menu with his mum.

12 years

Every day is a school day. Have to say the photo on Wikipedia does it no favors

sounds like she is the controlling one here

DH is severely allergic to peanuts, me and the kids bloody love peanuts. Do we eat them - no of course not - It’s not worth risking someone we love for a food! She sounds like the controlling one. We do eat them out the house when he’s gone away for a few days - he is starting to get a little offended at how excited we are when he announces he’s got a work trip 🤣

If my husband was allergic to something I wouldn’t even question not eating it or having it in the house.

personally I don’t even think the amount of time you’ve been together makes any difference but the fact it’s 12 years makes me even more surprised this is a conversation!

also that your MIL thinks it’s her place to message you about what he eats. She sounds awful. She needs to get a grip and choose another food type!

You should update your post to say the bit about cross contamination. You are definitely not being unreasonable. It could kill you! She needs educating clearly!!

This is entirely a MIL issue so hand it off to hubby. He's clearly making his own decisions based on his, and your, personal experience.

I'd just use as a(nother) lesson in when people show you who they are, believe them and, in this case, move on.

"Of course, MIL, understood - if you and DH chow down, though, do just remind him no sexual contact of any kind between he and I until the anaphylactic danger's passed? In the meantime, enjoy!"

You’re saying he can’t eat fish ever again? Even if you’re not there?