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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking partner not to eat food I’m severely allergic to ?

431 replies

mermaidproblems · 15/10/2025 17:24

Am I BU? I didn’t think so ?!!!

MIL has lost it today over DP not being able to have fish and chips with her . I’m allergic to fish, shellfish and peanuts. We’ve always had the agreement he avoids these foods too. She has sent me a message telling me I’m too controlling and ‘you can’t tell someone what they can and can’t eat’

OP posts:
ThatAgileRosePanda · 17/10/2025 15:35

Wolfpa · 15/10/2025 17:25

Will him eating them with his mum cause you to have a reaction?

Someone eating prawns or nuts then having close contact would definitely set my ds allergic reaction off. Fish, shellfish and nuts are inside the person that eats them, in their saliva and body fluids, traces in their hair, hands, clothes. It’s not nice.
My MIL actually shouted at me that I was ridiculous when she had eaten nuts and it gave ds an allergic reaction when she hugged him and kissed him on the cheek 24 hours after she had eaten the nuts - she denied it had anything to do with her but the rash/hives on his face where she kissed him and the wheezing was very obvious within a few minutes. Upsetting and unnecessary.

gruberandassocs · 17/10/2025 16:07

Not sure why your dh wouldn't just have said to his mum, I don't want/like fish anymore I would rather have something else. He didn't need to mention you at all.

InSpainTheRain · 17/10/2025 16:42

I think your DP needs to speak with his mum and tell her two things: firstly you are severely allergic (even kissing after he's had fish causes a reaction) and secondly he has decided not to have fish. It's his decision, you didn't push for it; you're quite ok with him having it and sleeping in the spare room. That's the root of the problem - not you at all!

It's probably grown to be far bigger in MIL's mind than it needs to be. I think the majority of people (myself included) would just want to avoid something a partner was allergic to. One of our colleagues is highly allergic to nuts, if we have a catered event we just ensure there are no nuts and no nut oil for everyone. If DH was allergic to something I wouldn't have it in the house, I might have it on the first night away of a trip without him if I really wanted it although I can't imagine feel that hard done by. It's common sense - we're not deprived, but being sensible.

Todayismyfavouriteday · 17/10/2025 21:14

Throwaway65131 · 17/10/2025 13:07

But it does affect her. If you go to OP’s post and click “see all” in the bottom right hand corner of it you can see all the comments OP has made in this thread. There you will see that she had severe anaphylactic shock after kissing him some 8 hours after he had consumed fish, despite him having brushed his teeth.

Some allergies are so severe that people cannot be in the same room as the allergen hours after the allergen has been there (I knew someone with a fish allergy who ended up hospitalised because wrapped fish from the fishmongers had been in the house a few hours earlier). I have a very sensitive non coeliac gluten intolerance and if my DP has had gluten, I can’t have any physical contact with him, including sleeping in the same bed, or I get debilitating symptoms that last sometimes weeks. I have to be incredibly careful to avoid cross contact, but I can’t even imagine how terrifying it must be with a life threatening allergy, and completely understand why OP’s DH doesn’t want to risk her health, for the sake of eating fish especially when there are plenty of other options available.

Show quote history

That's terrible. I had no idea allergies could be so extreme! I've never known anyone allergic to anything, really... Just heard about it.

BeFastDreamer · 18/10/2025 13:36

mermaidproblems · 15/10/2025 17:29

Severely allergic . I have epi pens and have been hospitalised previously. I react from cross contamination etc. When I first knew DP we had an incident where he had eaten fish at lunchtime and in the evening I had a reaction just from kissing. MIL was going on about how he loved fish and he’s being deprived. He was more than happy to have a meal with her but she wanted them to have the same !

Ok yeah this is psychotic! “Wanted them to have the same” 🙄 she needs to get a grip would she kick off if he just fancied a sausage supper instead 🤣

Ivelostmyglasses · 18/10/2025 14:02

AutumnDayswhen · 15/10/2025 17:42

Surely you don't need to stop him eating it, you just agree that where he has eaten it you don't kiss for (say) 24 hours (and he makes sure he uses mouth wash and brushes his teeth thoroughly

Thats how DH and I deal with mine

Maybe he wants to kiss his girlfriend when he comes home from his Mum's. It doesn't sound like she likes her son's girlfriend very much.😕

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 18/10/2025 14:19

mermaidproblems · 15/10/2025 17:29

Severely allergic . I have epi pens and have been hospitalised previously. I react from cross contamination etc. When I first knew DP we had an incident where he had eaten fish at lunchtime and in the evening I had a reaction just from kissing. MIL was going on about how he loved fish and he’s being deprived. He was more than happy to have a meal with her but she wanted them to have the same !

Ultimately, if this has happened before when he's eaten these things away from you then it's too risky. It's more of a red flag/weird to me that he's a grown adult and hasn't told his mum where to go! You're not "telling him" he's made a grown up and sensible decision based on a past incident that put the person he loves at risk.
Ultimately, he can eat those things, he doesn't because he loves you and HE doesn't want to eat the due to your allergies. Why hasn't he put her in her place. Is he saying "aah I'd love to mum but her indoors won't let me"? I hope he's not.

BlueberryClouds · 18/10/2025 15:56

It astounds me how ill informed people are about severe allergies. No you are not being controlling or unreasonable. I have kids with allergies and it is massively challenging at times. I have had particular issues with the older generation of our family. They seem to just think its all in our head.

AnonoMisss · 18/10/2025 18:01

thisishowloween · 15/10/2025 17:29

Why can't he eat them when you're not around?

She literally explained it above your question 🙄

AnonoMisss · 18/10/2025 18:04

NellieElephantine · 15/10/2025 17:31

Googled, looks like a sausage supper!

@mermaidproblems do you mean he's never, ever allowed to eat fish again, even if not near you?

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Did you read anything before you posted this? HE decided he wasn't going to do it due to a previous reaction and cross contamination.

AnonoMisss · 18/10/2025 18:09

Boomer55 · 15/10/2025 17:38

If he’s not with you, it needn’t be a problem. My dad was highly allergic to crab meat, but it didn’t affect him if people ate it elsewhere.

Well she already explained why it is a problem and people have different allergy levels so just because your dad was ok doesn't mean everyone else will be. Not sure why people are so determined to make out OP as the bad person here when his mum is a crack pot!

BassBug · 18/10/2025 18:15

Would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry to be blunt but I like my food and my only allergy is Brazil nuts. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who is allergic to fish and chips or peanuts!

AnonoMisss · 18/10/2025 18:26

Blushingm · 15/10/2025 19:19

You’re saying he can’t eat fish ever again? Even if you’re not there?

You need to go to Specsavers! 🙈

VaccineSticker · 18/10/2025 18:29

It’s your mother in law who is controlling and needs to get a grip.

@mermaidproblems you have a lovely husband.

sars125sdsd · 18/10/2025 18:33

I think you are over reacting, he is not with you. As long as not eating when you are there. It’s unfair to expect them not to eat at all.

JustMyView13 · 18/10/2025 18:36

Let me get this straight.
MIL is complaining YOU are controlling, because he avoids fish to protect you from a severe allergy, which has prevented her from controlling his food choice?

🤯🤯🤯
Batshit crazy springs to mind.

JustMyView13 · 18/10/2025 18:37

sars125sdsd · 18/10/2025 18:33

I think you are over reacting, he is not with you. As long as not eating when you are there. It’s unfair to expect them not to eat at all.

Which bit of the thread didn’t you read?

Gagala · 18/10/2025 18:37

SmoothCollie · 15/10/2025 17:39

Experts agree that brushing teeth isn't enough, dunno why people keep saying that. Anyway, does it really matter? At the end of the day OPs partner has decided not to eat her allergens and his mother is having a strop about it. That's crazy unreasonable it's literally none of her business and she's getting angsty because her son wanted to order a different meal to her. Unhinged behaviour to message OP about it.

Exactly. op has said over and over again it was his decision.

Op, I’m like your partner. I’d just rather cut out a food group if my partner was severely allergic. I just couldn’t be bothered with feeling stressed as to whether I’ve brushed my teeth thoroughly enough and having to sleep in the spare room etc. He sounds like a decent man and your MIL is being pathetic.

Disenchantedone · 18/10/2025 18:40

My general opinion is you MIL is a selfish bitch. She would be ok if you died just so her and her precious son could eat fish and chips. I would distance myself from her, she doesn't care about you!

Stroppyfeminist · 18/10/2025 18:42

When people are as controlling as the MIL they need to be kept an eye on. You can’t put it past them not to slip something into his food just to try and make a point. Take care of yourself and watch your back.

Martygirl · 18/10/2025 18:42

Your mil surely must understand the risks? If she doesn't then she needs to know the consequences it will cause you. By the way, this is not you being controlling, it sounds as if she is the one trying to do that. Stick to your guns. It's far too important.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/10/2025 18:43

You can’t tell him what to eat, but she can tell you to put your health at risk? This is so out of order

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/10/2025 18:43

I would block her so she can’t message you again

Bolliocks · 18/10/2025 18:53

Your DP sounds absolutely lovely

Schmellywelly · 18/10/2025 18:53

muggart · 16/10/2025 20:25

oh my gosh this is horrendous. those poor, poor teens.

i really feel for kids, like my daughter, who will have to manage dating and relationships with allergies. what a minefield.

Show quote history

As well as a teenage DC1 having a severe nut allergy where we now have to worry about relationshios starting, DC2 had an anaphylactic reaction that started at school and they ended up hospitalised. A cause hasnt been found so far so we have no idea why it happened but the consultant did say it could be exercise induced or an allergy to a chemical they came into contact with, he then listed all the rare and unusual things that can trigger anaphylaxis and the list was suprisingly long (and quite scary!)